Would You Stay Or Leave - Kids Sakes

[LightPizza]

I have been with my partner for 7 years and we have 2 children (5 and 2)

He also has a child from a previous relationship (9)

If I'm being honest things have not been good for a while "the ick" set in shortly after the little one was born 2.5 years ago.

We have sex maybe once every 3/4 months. (? Maybe? If that) he doesn't seem interested at all and I've stopped trying to initiate it because it was always me the very few times we did do it and to be honest it wasn't that great anyway (I feel as if I was initiating it because I felt I should have been rather than because I wanted to)

I've thought about and talked to him about leaving because obviously the situation is not a good set-up relationship wise, but I just can't get over the thought of my kids not having their mum and dad together. He's very hands on with them and they have a good life - it's just me (and him?) that doesn't.

The sticking point for me I think is that I know that it isn't good for kids to be exposed to constant arguments and animosity, but we don't fall in to that category. We don't ever argue... we just sort of plod along together distant but separate. But a family unit who does a lot together.

A lot of strain has come from the previous relationship - there is constant drama with the ex who he is currently having to go through court with to get access to his older child. She stops and starts contact all the time, picks holes with everything that happens when she is here and just generally is a huge black cloud over everything all the time. I know this will potentially get better once court ordered contact is in place, but honestly I suspect it won't be and will be a continuous ongoing battle.

I've put on so much weight because I just don't feel good within myself and feel stressed and energyless all the time, but I also would happily plod on if it would make the kids happier.

So what's better? Having separated parents (when there's already a half-sibling they see sometimes but not always) or having parents together and I just get a bit of backbone and get on with it?

I'm interested to hear others perspectives / experience if possible.

We never discuss sex - I don't see the point to be honest, We have discussed breaking up but he insists he doesn't want to and would be devastated.

The extent of our physical relationship is a peck on the forehead each night at bedtime.

Thanks for reading if you made it this far!

In these situations I alway think you need to consider what relationship example you want to set for you DC? Would you want them to be in the same type of relationship when they’re older because that’s what they think a relationship is?
I appreciate that you don’t argue and it’s not toxic in that way but it sounds quite sad to me and it’s clearly having an impact on you. Your children will start picking up on that as they get older (probably already are). I had a close friend whose parents “stayed together for the kids” and he said the responsibility for his parents spending a decade plus of their lives miserable was awful. I think it’s a no win in some ways as splitting up will cause pain but the long term benefits are what makes it worth it if you do feel the relationship isn’t salvageable.

Whose sake would you be staying for, theirs or most likely your own because it’s easier somehow.

Do not stay in a relationship for the children, you already have the ick re your partner and once that is there it does not go away. These children won’t thank you for doing that to them, it places a huge burden upon them too and they will know. Even though you do not argue they can and do pick up on all the antipathy and vibes both spoken and unspoken here.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here from you two?.

Would you want your children as adults to be in such a relationship too, no you would not.

Thank you for taking the time to reply...

Honestly I would absolutely hate to think of them in relationships like this when they are older.

We moved house 2 years ago, and they had to move nursery, and now their life has been put on hold from Coronavirus... I just feel like I don't want to put them through any more upheaval, and that they'll be disadvantaged by having separated parents... especially in an already complicated situation with regards to his older child.

It is taking its toll on me, but I feel as though I would get on with that toll if I thought it would be better for them to have us both together.

I just feel bogged down with everything.

I honestly don't think I'd want a relationship again. I feel like I'm better on my own doing my own things, so I wouldn't be modelling a relationship for them even if separated. But I'd maybe have more mental positive energy to give to them.

I just feel like I've totally failed them.

I actually did "break up" back in February and had genuine plans to move out, and then obviously Coronavirus happened and we've just sort of plodded on, back to "normal" as if it never happened.

I am a product of parents who stayed together for the children and would not recommend it. Its definitely had an impact on me as an adult. Although you may not argue, the children will still pick up on the atmosphere and that their parents are not happy. There's lots of evidence to support the theory that separated happy parents are much better than families who stick together but are miserable

I always think it's for dc to have two happy parents than two parents together who are miserable. I say this as the child of divorced parents. I'm so grateful mine split up. The atmosphere in the house of two absolutely miserable people is so damaging.

But is there any chance you could get back what you once had? It sounds like you have a lot of life stress and also have had two small children and not quite got things back after youngest was born. Those 2 first years are really tough and it takes time to find each other again. Could you take time out to be together? Regular date nights? A weekend away when life is a bit more normal? Focus on your family instead of letting his ex's drama spill over into everything.

This is my situation right now! I just don’t know if I’d have the guts to go through with it! I work but couldn’t afford much of a home in the area we live. I worry if my depression/anxiety was to come back with all the extra stress! My child is already saying she is down due to lockdown and not seeing friends this might send her over the edge and I can’t do that to her. It’s an awful situation to be in. I sympathise with you xx

I'm just finding it all really hard to deal with and feel as though I need a bit of perspective so these replies are really helpful...thank you!

Sorry, I pressed post too early!

So yes things haven't really ever got back to normal since the little one... but to be honest they weren't really great before that either. It had started going downhill during that pregnancy - like I say nothing major though. Certainly nothing "bad" like abuse or arguments or anything, just a sort of nothing? We just sort of live together and pass each other like ships and that's about it.

The thing that sent this whole thing in to motion though was my childhood pet dying last week... when I told him I got a "oh what a shame, how is your mum?" Now I didn't obviously live with the pet anymore but they were still my pet and I was heartbroken. I haven't even so much as had the offer of a cuddle since... just "how's your mum" It just made me think like what am I supposed to have to ask the person who claims to love me and doesn't want me to leave for a cuddle when my pet dies?

I don't know if I'm totally overreacting though. I feel like I've lost sight of everything in a total haze.

I was out on antidepressants after the little one was born... had 3 different types of medication over the past 2 years but nothing has actually helped so I'm off everything now.

But then maybe it's the situation that's the problem not the medicine. Just feel a bit lost. I'm really benefiting from just writing it down though and appreciate people taking the time to reply x

@Popsmummy1 This is what I feel like - I feel like I just don't have the guts to actually go through with it. It's so horrible... hugs to you

Are you worried about practicalities and money? Just wondering how running two houses from the same amount of money looks.
You sound defeated and like it just doesn’t work any more. Does your partner ever go away? If so what’s it like then?

So you are in more of a house-mate co-parenting situation?
How do you feel when you picture being in this situation in a years time, 5 years, 20 years etc?

Yes I would say that's exactly what it's like - flatmates who have kids together...as soon as they're in their beds we sit at opposite ends of the couch and watch TV / sit on phones in silence. We're pleasant enough to each other like I say but there isn't really any substance behind it.

He hasn't been away recently - I did send him away to his friends overnight last year and honestly it was nice him not being here - but that was just one night.

I don't want to give too many details in case it's outing but the house we have is his in his name only so based on his wage only so I assume he could manage everything on his own. It would be me that would have to move out, because it's his house.

I worry how I would cope financially, I don't really know where to start tbh and I'm not working at the moment because I lost my job recently due to Coronavirus.

So I suppose I would really need to have another job in place before moving would be an option because I would have to rent somewhere.

But in terms of coping generally, he is very hands on with the kids and I worry how I'd cope myself. I have some anxiety so it's him who takes them out the majority of walks / bikes etc as opposed to me. I do crafty / baking / teaching stuff with them, but I worry about how I'd juggle everything with 2 small kids myself and getting them out the house.

I think in 20 years time I'd probably move on with my own life. The kids would be grown by that stage though so I could make decisions without them being impacted (?) Was my thinking, although as others have said they probably will be impacted anyway either way

" I think in 20 years time I'd probably move on with my own life. The kids would be grown by that stage though so I could make decisions without them being impacted (?)"

Do not kid yourself here.

Why are you so afraid to move on with your own life is a question I would be asking you.
Why wait 20 years as well to move on with your life?. They will be impacted a lot if you were to stay with him with you doing your bit in the meantime to teach them that this frankly rubbish sounding relationship is still acceptable to you. If you stay because of them they will certainly not thank you for doing so. They could call you daft for staying and could well accuse you also of putting him before them. Your own relationship with them will then be further damaged.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships; by staying with him you could well be showing them that a happy relationship is not their birthright either. Living in mediocrity or worse burdens children with very confusing messages about relationships and happiness.

Waiting for the children to go off to college and then separating may make the kids feel guilty that their parents sacrificed their own happiness for them. We owe our children much more than the physicality of an intact family. We owe them our truth. Time and time again on this site adults have written that they dearly wish their parents had not stayed because or for them. It leaves them with heavy burdens not just to say emotional problems when it comes to forming their own adult relationships.

Not infrequently, people are simply afraid to move on with their lives and take their own responsibility for happiness. Financial concerns or the fear of being alone often motivate such paralysis, hidden beneath the mask of staying together for the children. At other times, it’s easier to blame your partner for your discontent than to come out of your sense of victimhood. Unloving or conflicted relationships often follow a lineage as they are passed down from generation to generation. And so the cycle continues. Is this what we really wish for our children? It is much more challenging to come to terms with our own circumstances and face our fears than it is to hide behind them as we stay together “for the kids.”

but I also would happily plod on if it would make the kids happier.

How will you know what makes them happier? Are you just going to assume they will be happier if you stay?
Children need a happy, energised, engaged mum. Not one who is downtrodden and ‘plodding’ through life. (Not criticising your parenting at all, I just mean it’s better for them to see you enjoying life).
Don’t use the children as an excuse to stay, use them as a reason to leave.

The sticking point for me I think is that I know that it isn't good for kids to be exposed to constant arguments and animosity, but we don't fall in to that category. We don't ever argue... we just sort of plod along together distant but separate. But a family unit who does a lot together

You're assuming that it will stay like this..but more than likely it won't. Lots of people plod along...until they don't.
Resentment, annoyance, frustration etc. set in. One of you might get some attention from someone else and start to feel some excitement again and see what you're missing and the family unit might break up for that reason. You don't know.

I honestly don't think I'd want a relationship again. I feel like I'm better on my own doing my own things, so I wouldn't be modelling a relationship for them even if separated.

Maybe you wouldn't have a relationship but you could certainly model the single relationship status and show them that it can be a positive one. You can show them that not everyone needs a relationship and can be strong, independent, happy and have a full life without one.

I know you said you've had depression and struggle with anxiety and so on so maybe you don't see yourself as being that strong independent woman, but it's a journey for most people, and you can take baby steps.

@LightPizza kids pick up what they see. DOn't model marriage and relationship to them in this way. As for this -> and that they'll be disadvantaged by having separated parents no they won't. They will possibly have two loving homes, with two happy people. Once you both move on, you will feel better and the kids will understand.

The good thing is you are amicable, so leaving won't be a battle. You deserve to be loved, humans need physical contact and not having it makes us sad, and all that comes with it. As hard as it seems, I would pick myself up and go. Better when they are 2/5 then when they are teenagers and you have to deal with the teen emotions as well.

Thank you again, these replies are (unfortunately) exactly what I needed to hear x

Sorry I'm keeping replies short, I'm really taking everything written in and I appreciate everybody's time x

How old are you both? What was the relationship like for the first few years?

To me a relationship can be worked on if there is no abuse. In the example of your pet, what would he do of you asked him for a hug? Is he affectionate to the children?

Why did his first marriage break up?

Is it me, or is there not anyone who is in favour of you staying married? Just because things have gone stale in your marriage it doesn't follow that you should separate. It seems that the overwhelming opinion on MN seems to be 'get divorced'. I'm bored reading people jumping to that conclusion so quickly. No one knows what the future holds. My advice is to try to comminucate with your husband in small amounts, and gradually find out what he wants to do as well. Good luck!

I'm in my 30s, he's in his 40s - there's 11 years between us.

In the beginning the relationship was great, I really loved him and vice versa. We had a lot of laughs and trips etc, and then it's gradually just went downhill.

His ex left him, and like I say has really infiltrated our life through things like stopping his contact last minute and messaging him / me about insignificant stuff in the aftermath of the small amount of time she is here. We've tried to take steps over the years to lessen this but honestly a huge amount of mental energy goes to her. She refused to communicate with him through email only, he tried greyrock it made her 20x worse... and like I say he's now having to go through court to get access because it's been cut to twice a month by her singlehandedly. It's caused a massive strain. His child as a result does not have a great relationship with our kids (her half siblings) although she is okay with me. But my feelings for her are affected by everything and I usually make myself scarce to give them time together when she's here because she acts up and hits the younger ones and wants my attention all the time she's here.

I don't know the ins and outs of the breakup but as far as I'm aware she just "fell out of love" with him... so I feel as if I'm just reliving the exact same thing.

He's a great dad. If we split I would be happy for him to have the kids as often as he could, because he's always been great / affectionate in that area there's no denying he's amazing in that role. And he's a good guy... just not a great partner (or maybe I'm just not the right partner)

Not blaming him, I know I have my flaws too. But I've gave up trying and when I've gave up trying he's NOT tried either and now it's just... meh.

Going through court for access and a poisonous ex are incredibly stressful things to go through. I can completely understand why you feel neglected, but stress on that scale does a lot for your mental health. I would talk to him, find out how he is feeling, tell him how you feel. Tell him what your loved about him when you were happy. Then try and get that spark back, by date nights, appreciating each other, doing things together. If you are going to stay for the kids, why not work on it for yourself?

I did the downtrodden, unhappy mum thing for years because I thought it was better to stay together for the children and we didn't shout and argue etc. They were also being modelled a poor relationship though as we were like housemates.

Eventually I just became more and more unhappy and was a crappy mother because I was so unhappy. Their dad was too although he didn't want to split and his default parenting seems to be snappy and impatient with them a lot and quite critical.

We did split in the end and I've never been happier. Mine are older than yours and my eldest took it the hardest, my youngest adapted much more quickly. I think children do when they are younger rather than getting to the tween years.

It was best all round as I am far more patientand happier and I have noticed the kids are calmer too, although they say they can't see a difference, I really can. Ex wasn't/isn't happy with it but ultimately his happiness is not my responsibility.