Would You Stay Or Leave - Kids Sakes

[LightPizza]

I have been with my partner for 7 years and we have 2 children (5 and 2)

He also has a child from a previous relationship (9)

If I'm being honest things have not been good for a while "the ick" set in shortly after the little one was born 2.5 years ago.

We have sex maybe once every 3/4 months. (? Maybe? If that) he doesn't seem interested at all and I've stopped trying to initiate it because it was always me the very few times we did do it and to be honest it wasn't that great anyway (I feel as if I was initiating it because I felt I should have been rather than because I wanted to)

I've thought about and talked to him about leaving because obviously the situation is not a good set-up relationship wise, but I just can't get over the thought of my kids not having their mum and dad together. He's very hands on with them and they have a good life - it's just me (and him?) that doesn't.

The sticking point for me I think is that I know that it isn't good for kids to be exposed to constant arguments and animosity, but we don't fall in to that category. We don't ever argue... we just sort of plod along together distant but separate. But a family unit who does a lot together.

A lot of strain has come from the previous relationship - there is constant drama with the ex who he is currently having to go through court with to get access to his older child. She stops and starts contact all the time, picks holes with everything that happens when she is here and just generally is a huge black cloud over everything all the time. I know this will potentially get better once court ordered contact is in place, but honestly I suspect it won't be and will be a continuous ongoing battle.

I've put on so much weight because I just don't feel good within myself and feel stressed and energyless all the time, but I also would happily plod on if it would make the kids happier.

So what's better? Having separated parents (when there's already a half-sibling they see sometimes but not always) or having parents together and I just get a bit of backbone and get on with it?

I'm interested to hear others perspectives / experience if possible.

We never discuss sex - I don't see the point to be honest, We have discussed breaking up but he insists he doesn't want to and would be devastated.

The extent of our physical relationship is a peck on the forehead each night at bedtime.

Thanks for reading if you made it this far!

It's the hardest decision you'll ever make and it pretty near broke my heart when I finally called time on my marriage last year. I'd say that you'll know when you can't stay any longer - because you will be unable to stay any longer. My exh is autistic and so likely is our eldest. The combination almost broke me. I was disappearing and I left in the end for my own sanity. I've since realised that I replicated my parents marriage - they divorced when I went to uni but were unhappy for years. I was determined not to do the same.

I won't lie, it's been bloody hard on the kids (5 and 7 when we split) and nearly 18 months down the line it's still hard and they're still adjusting. My exh is also a good dad and we have 50 50 care pretty much, so the kids have two homes. Missing the other parent is my youngest's main problem - she barely remembers us being together now.

So, I can't tell you whether it's better to stay but I would say try everything before deciding to separate, if only so you can tell yourself and the kids that you did. I mostly wish I hadn't had kids with my exh, given that things didn't work out. But we are where we are and kids are resilient. Good luck

I'm going to go against the grain here and say that two parents together is always better if their is no abuse and the atmosphere is not toxic. Especially if they are under teenage years.

MN seems to have some utopian image of single parent hood. Can I just dispel that myth. ? It's hard. Really really hard for BOTH parents. Grinding slog for the resident parent and terrible loneliness for the non residents parent. As for the children, it's just a whole load of upset , worry and uncertainty.
Of course, if what your children are living with is worse than the new life you can offer, then of course you move but it really doesn't sound like that.

This sounds like YOU need to talk to someone about how you feel. It sounds very much as though you have had untreated or poorly treated depression for years. This would not of helped with the weight gain and general feeling of malais.

I think you need to see your GP, and ask for a referral for talking therapy before you throw EVERYONES life in to turmoil. Young children, weight gain, low self esteem, depression, stressed husband (do not under estimated how awful custody battles are).. are NOT conducive for a happy relationship.

The kids won't always be young, the custody issue will get resolved, you will get a job, the kids will get older... my advice would be wait until a few of these acute stresses have passed and re-evaluate matters.

You also need to speak to your partner about what he expects from the relationship. Ask if he is happy and ask him for ideas to improve it. The 'Ick' can be permanent. However it can also be a protective mechanism. Perhaps you have consciously or subconsciously developed your 'ick' because you believe he has developed one about you.

Talk to him. See if he wants to make things better. Think about it. Talk to a therapist. Find out what would make you happy. Let some time pass and if you are sure it would be better for all concerned, then make the move.

@disorganisedsecretsquirrel I’m going to go against the grain too and say I completely agree with you.

I would also agree with @disorganisedsecretsquirrel in that it's worth trying absolutely everything first. I developed the ick with exh but that was because he rejected me so many times over the years that I stuffed the feelings I had for him. And the less you do it, the less you want to. I was also nearing a breakdown myself due to various reasons, and for a good couple of years I explored whether it was my unhappiness which was the main issue, or if it was the marriage. I was lucky that I could stop work for a bit and I got counselling and worked on myself. Eldest child was a big contributing factor as his behaviour was extremely draining and exh couldn't fill me back up because of the absence of emotional connection. I can identify with what you wrote about there being nothing bad, just an absence of anything at all. We had marriage counselling and committed to making more of an effort more than once. Then nothing would change. And that's what killed it for me in the end. I knew nothing would ever change. And I couldn't and wouldn't accept that for the rest of my life. I'm a passionate and deep person and I was starving to death with the lack of emotional connection and intimacy.

But yes, single parenthood is totally not what I would have chosen. And the kids are undoubtedly negatively affected. But the alternative wasn't any better in our case.

If nothing else, I would really try and talk to someone yourself to help get your thoughts straight. Relate do sessions for one half of the couple, if the other one won't attend. I really feel for you, it's a horrible situation to be in. Keep talking here at least if that helps. And apologies if any of this is a bit garbled - I'm supervising homeschooling with very reluctant children at the same time!

I would try relationship counselling and date nights and even movie nights at home ect. Before you give up, he seems depressed over his child situation and it would be good to try to save your relationship, at least then you could say you tried everything. X

I'm also of the opinion that it is worth working on. Or at least trying to work on. I'm saying this as someone who was convinced their marriage was going to end a few years ago.

From reading your posts, you sound like there is perhaps unresolved depression and perhaps you are relying on your DH to 'fix' you or help you. It's so true, you need to work on yourself first. Your anxiety is so bad you don't leave the house with the kids. This isn't just your bad marriage causing this OP. Do you get out much on your own? Do you do anything for yourself outside of work/mum? Do you talk about your problems? You talk about what you're not happy with, what is it that you do want? What happens when you ask outright for what you want?

Having young kids is hard and it can grind you down. It was when mine were 4 and 2 that I hit rock bottom. Our marriage had been sliding for a while before. We were at the stage of resentment setting in and having constant fights. I won't go into the full ins and outs, but what helped us was actually talking about things and listening to each other honestly as well. We asked each other what we wanted from each other and did it. I also focused on myself. I left a job I hated, I actually made sure I had time for myself and did somethings for myself. I started small, but then as my confidence came back it all snowballed and now I and we are in a better place.

Thanks again to everybody who has taken the time to reply, it has definitely given me some food for thought on both options.

I do definitely think I need treatment (moreso for anxiety probably rather than depression - but I do think the anxiety causes depression if that makes sense) It's just so frustrating when different tablets don't work, and they always make me feel so rubbish when I start taking them etc... but I will go back to the doctor to discuss my options. I was on the list for counselling before but the waiting list was enormous and I ended up giving up with that too.

Back in February when we talked about going different ways he did agree to go to couples therapy so I know it's something he would do. We enquired but again, Coronavirus hit and nothing came back.

I don't really have anything else in my life beyond kids / work. Before I had kids my job was very social and that took up all my time - I didn't have time for "hobbies" I had to move jobs after having kids (now lost that) so I now have nothing. I maybe have to start getting in to something for myself but I really don't know where to start. I've lost myself a bit. Don't even know what I'd be interested in.

Thanks everybody for letting me have a safe place to vent

Can I just ask a bit more about how hard it is, @disorganisedsecretsquirrel

I suppose it depends how much help your OH is, but I was thinking that with maybe two child free days, it would kind of balance out overall, in terms of workload.

I guess there is some duplication though.

@LightPizza vent away! I would definitely try to work on what makes you happy within the relative security of the marriage. All you need to decide is today I choose to stay. I was similar in that I needed to sort out my life, which I did and then resented my exh for not growing with me. But that's more to do with his autism.

@GreyishDays me and exh share 50 50 so I get quite a lot of time alone. But that's just it, it's neither one thing nor the other and it feel very all or nothing. It's overwhelming when the kids are here, then nothingness when they're not. I feel like I have 2 lives sometimes! It's hard not having another adult to chat to about the kids. And even with another partner, that won't ever be their dad and he's the only other person who will love them as much as me. It's hard to worry whether their behaviour is a result of the split, or if it's just normal developmental stuff. It's hard being responsible for everything, and for all big decisions. It's hard to let go of how your ex parents! There are positives of course. The biggest for me is that I've found peace of mind and I'm definitely much happier. But I wouldn't recommend it to my friends and if I thought there was any chance we could have worked it out, I'd have stayed.

Caveat: I'm a massive overthinker (it's my profession...) and the kids may well be absolutely fine!

Thank you @Misty9

[quote Lickmylegs0]@disorganisedsecretsquirrel I’m going to go against the grain too and say I completely agree with you.[/quote]
Same. I think it's really poor advice.

Children always pick up on things even when there is no abuse/arguing. There was none of that in my house but the difference in my children's temperments now compared to when their dad and I were together is huge and they haven't even realised. It's all subconscious.

Come on people, man just leave the twat if he is getting on your nerves

@GreyishDays

Can I just ask a bit more about how hard it is, *@disorganisedsecretsquirrel*

I suppose it depends how much help your OH is, but I was thinking that with maybe two child free days, it would kind of balance out overall, in terms of workload.

I guess there is some duplication though.

I don't find it hard at all. The only bit I struggle with is when I miss the kids when they are with their dad. We don't do 50/50 and I am the main parent. I did pretty much the running of everything before anyway so nothing has changed there. Ex is reliable and regular with contact and pays maintenance without question. I actually like our arrangement and much prefer it as I don't have the negative feelings which massively contributed to me being a crappy, impatient mother. I'm much more mellow now and enjoy my DCs company.

OP, I have also struggled with depression a lot over the years. I do believe now a lot of that was related to me being unhappily married.

I'm finding all the points of view very helpful and I can totally relate to a lot of them...

If we split I don't think we'd have 50/50 due to his work schedule, but I'd be happy for him to see them as often as possible because theyre so close to both of us, for different reasons and in different ways...

From the outside we probably have a good routine ie. they're with me all day, and we do things (I do take them out, I just don't really enjoy it because I stress watching them both at once out! But I try make the most of it and they get plenty outside time) then we have dinner when he comes in and then he baths them and then I settle them in bed... he does the early mornings in the weekends because he's an early riser anyway... and at weekends we do stuff together. He takes them out to give me time myself... I probably don't have anything to moan about compared to a lot of people, but I just feel... sad?

I'm definitely going to go back to the doctors to see about different medication though - I made an appointment today for next week so I'll see how that goes... 🤞

I am by no means saying 'stay for the kids' if that is how my post was understood then it's my fault entirely for not conveying the right message.

All I am saying is that sometimes MN can be so black and white. 'Marriage not all you thought it would be ? ' 'then leave' . In some cases of course this is the right response but occasionally (as I feel in this case) it may not necessarily be the answer you are looking for. If anything the consequences you be MUCH more stressful. Especially if you struggle going out with both of them and will be on your own.

What I was really saying was that the situation maybe needs a bit more exploration. It may still be that you feel leaving is best. However it may not... and it IS definitely easier to parent with 2 if the other one actually helps and most importantly, does not harm their welfare and yours . What you need to look at is does he cause harm to your welfare by his lack of emotional engagement with you ? Or are you doing it to each other because of a lack of communication. ?

@disorganisedsecretsquirrel I hear you and understand what you're saying.

Communication is a major problem for both of us I would say. He would rather ignore things and hope it gets better, and I just get tired having the same conversations over and over and eventually stop trying.... not sure if counselling would help. It is something we're both open to, but when that would be an option again and how we could afford it are two issues we'd have to consider.

We aren't actually married. We were supposed to get married next year but everything was put on hold to pay for lawyers and court over contact with his older child. So that hasn't helped.

Mortgage is in his name only, but I put a lot of money in to it up front. Adds an extra level of complication! I'd have to seek legal advice over how that would even work

Everything here has really made me think and actually I do feel calmer just getting it out. I don't have anybody I can really talk to in RL. So thanks x

Here's another vote for giving counselling a try - as others have said, your posts suggest that you have a somewhat negative, almost despairing, approach. If you never discuss sex it's not surprising you don't have enough - you need to consider why you cannot communicate about this and other issues. Having young DC is stressful and does change your relationship but if he is willing to engage then there is hope.

On a more practical level a split would be more complicated financially as you are not married, you would not necessarily start from 50 50 which is what happens in divorce, and since he is also supporting another dc this could have an impact on the settlement you would get.

I was wondering if the lack of marriage (and therefore your precarious position financially) has any bearing.? Do you feel that having borne him children then that is the least he could do ? I know I would in your position !

The lack of marriage isn't just about the commitment but about you feeling and being 'secure' financially. Lack of security is the MOST stressful thing.

My advice for now is not to make any hasty decisions. The fact that he is willing to go to couples counselling is hugely in encouraging. It signals that he knows things aren't good and is at least wanting to find a way to fix them.

Once again just to be clear. I am not saying it will fix things but it may help a lot. Or it may actually Crystalise your reasons to split. Either way it's a positive move.

As for cost . Relate do a sliding scale of fees. Look at their website. We also went through a custody battle and decided to do it ourselves. Self representation is the norm since legal aid was removed. DH just went to court and told his story. Maybe we were lucky but the family courts look to have both parents in the child's life and it is highly unusual for a judge not to allow contact if there are no welfare concerns. The difficulty arises when the child is allowed a 'voice' which has been heavily influenced by other parties be that the mother or family members.. sadly that requires legal expertise.

It's a LOT of stress and ALL relationships will struggle in that situation so don't beat yourselves up.

At the beginning of the relationship he sort of said he never wanted to get married again... and I really was okay with that at the time. That changed a couple of years ago and we had a very adult conversation about how it was basically necessary for the kids and for us if anything happened to either of us. So we decided to get married. Booked a venue. Paid deposits. Hired bands. All put on hold now since ex reduced contact again and he's having to go through court (I should add for the benefit of doubt that I actually told him to go down that route for everybody's sake. He didn't just make the decision, it was an equal choice - probably moreso me trying to push him for the sake of stability)

He never got me a ring though ever. I don't know maybe just things didn't pan out the way I thought it would in that regard (A conversation rather than a proposal, no ring etc... not exactly dazzling....)

Self representing would be the cheaper option, but honestly he just wouldn't be capable. She blows everything up and he's still scared of her taking his daughter away permanently that he's grateful for 2 days a fortnight at this point.

At the beginning of the relationship he sort of said he never wanted to get married again... and I really was okay with that at the time. That changed a couple of years ago and we had a very adult conversation about how it was basically necessary for the kids and for us if anything happened to either of us. So we decided to get married. Booked a venue. Paid deposits. Hired bands. All put on hold now since ex reduced contact again and he's having to go through court (I should add for the benefit of doubt that I actually told him to go down that route for everybody's sake. He didn't just make the decision, it was an equal choice - probably moreso me trying to push him for the sake of stability)

He never got me a ring though ever. I don't know maybe just things didn't pan out the way I thought it would in that regard (A conversation rather than a proposal, no ring etc... not exactly dazzling....)

Self representing would be the cheaper option, but honestly he just wouldn't be capable. She blows everything up and he's still scared of her taking his daughter away permanently that he's grateful for 2 days a fortnight at this point.

I stuck it out for years. I wasn’t happy and neither was my DH. After we had our DD we just sort of drifted. No fights, no abuse, just m’eh with a side order of ick. Our sex life dwindled to nothing. I assumed DD was happier with us together than apart so on we went. Then we got the puppy (agreed together) and he started to be angry with the dog all the time and one day I just snapped and asked him to leave. It wasn’t really the dog, it was 7 years of being unhappy.

He moved out for a bit to our caravan. DD was upset. He and I were upset, shocked, numb, scared, emotional... however it was the right thing to do and once done I couldn’t go back. It took 6 months to settle into a new normal and everyone (school, friends, grandparents on both sides) started to comment on the changes in our DD. She was happier, funnier, more relaxed, more open.
We are 18 months on now. DD is still happier, the dog is happier, my ex husband Is happier, I am SO much happier!!! Best thing I’ve done in years!