Does anyone recognise this behaviour?

[PinkIsland]

I feel like these behaviours of DP isn’t right but can’t quite put my finger on it. Do people think this is normal? Is there a name for this type of behaviour?

DP often has a go at me for something I might do (but haven’t yet done). Example: I’m making a sandwich in kitchen, I haven’t yet finished or sat down to eat but I step away from the chopping board to make a glass of water to go with my meal. DP says ‘Don’t leave that chopping board out. I hate it when you leave things lying about.’ A bit of a rant follows about how i always leave things out (I usually I ask him to leave the room at this point). I haven’t even finished with the chopping board yet so feels unfair to me. This is just one example but it’s a common behaviour.

The other behaviour that I’m concerned about is when I ask for an apology about something he’s done he always says ‘I’m sorry but....’ and then starts having a go at me again and tells me how awful I am again for x y z and insinuates its my fault etc. I never get an apology without it being followed by telling him how awful I am. It’s like the apology is just an excuse for him to have a go at me rather than make amends.

Is this normal?

It is abusive - its not normal

I think it's common but that doesn't make it ok nor should you put up with it. It's invalidating, your feelings are wrong so I'm not really sorry. It will grind you down and could be called emotional abuse. It doesn't sound like these examples are misunderstandings or a clumsy attempt at an apology. I think you will know if you think he's trying to bring you together or trying to push you apart.

What would happen if you raised it with him? Are you scared to bring it up? Has it always been like this?

It is abuse. It is a crime. It is not normal.

He is horrible.

I hate the apology thing , I'm sorry but.... It's so childish. And you know it's not a genuine apology so it is just an excuse to critisise you more and then when you say anything they just say "I apologised , didn't I ?"..

I can't think of a name for the behaviour though other than being overly critical...it almost sounds like he's looking for an excuse to critisise you as well.... So he could be scapegoating you? And also blaming you for everything.

It's called coercive control OP and it's illegal.

Typical antagonistic arsehole behaviour. It's fairly common, but that doesn't make it right.

He’s a nasty bully. It’s not a behaviour, it’s who is he.

Do you want to stay with him?

Do you still leave the used chopping board out or is he talking rubbish/referring to something you used to do but stopped at his request?

Or is he just looking for something to moan about as you’re his whipping boy and he’s just annoyed at work or something else but can’t fix it so I’d looking to moan at someone else about something random instead to feel better himself...?

If the former, and you’ve stopped doing that then I’d be saying to him ‘your know damn fine I don’t leave stuff out anymore, but if you havent noticed the effort I’ve made to tidy behind myself within one minute I see no point in continuing so I’ll just not bother and tidy after the meal when it suits me better’

Leave the chopping board and walk away.

Repeat as required until you get an apology. You will have to explain why you expect an apology to him as he will not understand that he was accusing you of something untrue and that’s unfair.

If it’s the latter that may also explain his excuses so he can be right at other things and you are wrong. You are there to be corrected and nagged at over piddling things because he’s not man enough to tell his boss to shove the unpaid overtime up his arse (or whatever the real problem is) so he picks on someone he can bully instead to feel powerful again. Prick.

Nasty, nasty bully.
Awful way to live.

I recognise that behaviour.

It’s the behaviour of a horrible twat.

My initial reaction is he treats you like a child.

Red flags for sure. Get out while you can op.

He sounds horrible. Does he have any good points? Or does he just enjoy putting you down?

I agree with PPs. Also: is it just you he treats this way? Is he this manipulative and nasty with anyone else?

That is abusive, controlling behaviour. Emotional abuse - it can be so hard to pinpoint as it's little, frequent words and actions that gradually mount up over the years. It grinds you down, wipes away your spirit and removes that feeling of safety and endearment in an intimate relationship.

Who or what made him the boss of you? He hates it when you do x or y? Sucks to be you , not so D 'P'.

If you have to ask for an apology, you're never going to get a genuine apology.

I'd be looking at whether this relationship is one you want to continue to invest time, effort and thought into.

I don’t know based on what you’ve said.
My ex would never listen when I asked him to take equal responsibility for basic household chores, so I would remind/ask him to tidy up after himself rather than leave it for ‘someone’ else to do. He would then be insistent I apologise for ‘nagging’ and go on and on, if I said I am sorry you feel I nag you but... and try to discuss the wider issue he would then berate me for being unable to apologise.
So yea, I don’t know.

I think there’s enough good stuff there for me to work through this with him. It’s interesting someone said about scapegoating because a psychologist has alerted me to the fact that I was the family scapegoat which means I’m at higher risk of finding myself in that role again (because I don’t recognise someone is being unfair and put a stop to it)

Also the comment about treating me like a child rings true with other behaviours I’ve not mentioned. And when he is with a particular relative I feel like they gang up and bully/humiliate me sometimes (not every time it’s infrequent which makes it harder to address)

Thank you all for your comments it does make me think it’s something that should be addressed. I’m not sure how tho

@User56781234 I’ve seen him do this with some other people but not everyone

The first thing reminds me of a power trip.

I had similar before where I worked. The owners son hired his girlfriend as a manager. She would come over to me while I was in the middle of doing something and tell me to do it. It was frustrating and patronising and I actually left the job because of her. I knew how to do my job, I had been there before her, I knew the routine. She could see that I was doing it but still felt like she had to tell me to do it.

The second thing is the inability to apologise and turning it around on you. It could be intentional or he might just be terrible at handling confrontation or taking responsibility so has to blame it on you.

Whether it's intentional or not doesn't make a massive difference in the grand scheme of things.

While intentional behaviour like that is more sinister and malicious the effects even if it's unintentional tend to be the same!

So he's careful then who he targets but thinks he 'can' behave this way with you.

I hope that you can work through this with him, as you say.

Seems like he’s trying to find any fault no matter how big nor small. So what if you left the chopping board out anyway?

I get ‘this isn’t a criticism but’ . I blame his father. He also mutters as I leave the room if I’ve addressed his behaviour or called him out on something.
I’ve told him he’s being PA . His sister is the same. I feel for you.