Does anyone recognise this behaviour?

[PinkIsland]

I feel like these behaviours of DP isn’t right but can’t quite put my finger on it. Do people think this is normal? Is there a name for this type of behaviour?

DP often has a go at me for something I might do (but haven’t yet done). Example: I’m making a sandwich in kitchen, I haven’t yet finished or sat down to eat but I step away from the chopping board to make a glass of water to go with my meal. DP says ‘Don’t leave that chopping board out. I hate it when you leave things lying about.’ A bit of a rant follows about how i always leave things out (I usually I ask him to leave the room at this point). I haven’t even finished with the chopping board yet so feels unfair to me. This is just one example but it’s a common behaviour.

The other behaviour that I’m concerned about is when I ask for an apology about something he’s done he always says ‘I’m sorry but....’ and then starts having a go at me again and tells me how awful I am again for x y z and insinuates its my fault etc. I never get an apology without it being followed by telling him how awful I am. It’s like the apology is just an excuse for him to have a go at me rather than make amends.

Is this normal?

My ex was exactly like this. Controlling and putting me down to make himself (his inadequate self) feel better.

Trust me, you don't need this in your life.

I don't think he is abusing you yet - he just doesn't like you very much and certainly doesn't respect you - in time, eventually he will start to enjoy hurting you, and that's when the real abuse will start. He's just priming you at the minute.

You could "work on him", and take him on as a project where you teach him how to not be a horrible person.

Or, you could just leave it honestly, and find an actual partner, vs. a patient. There are loads of nice men out there. You don't have to choose to be with one who needs to be carefully instructed on how to pretend he likes you.

Do you want to be a nurse, or do you want to be a girlfriend? I think the answer to that question will help you know what to do.

Low level to mid range narcissist. He'll grate you down over time and leave you a listless shell. Run.
Theres no 'fixing' this. He isn't broken. He just isn't a nice person.

You say you're prone to becoming a scapegoat. A scapegoat only exists in a relationship, of some capacity, with an abuser. Normal relationships do not have scapegoats.

You are not working on it if you are staying with someone abusive. Even if they arent 'as bad' as other rotters from your past. You are simply continuing the cycle.

This reminds me a lot of my STBEX - he did it all the time . It’s exhausting . I left him after 18 years together as he was getting progressively more EA .
He would rant at me at midnight in our kitchen for over an hour about the fact I’d bought £3 stickers for our kids Xmas stockings . I would be bewildered by the way he’d made out I’d spent £300 . He used to ‘lecture’ often .
He also did ‘ I’m sorry but ...’ it kind of translates to ‘ I’m not Actually sorry’ .
Actually he used to apologise by saying ‘ I’m sorry you feel that way / I’m sorry it’s made you feel like that’ . HE was never sorry .
He recently announced he has a new partner , I told him that I hoped he would treat her well and he replied ‘ ofcourse I will, just like I Always treated you Well’ .
I would see those incidences as red flags . Keep being aware and hold your ground . I would be very weary of that . Good luck !

My mum used to do this to me and when I would try to explain that I hadn’t finished she would walk away from me shaking her head. She NEVER apologised. She would also tell me that I should do something even though she could see I was in the middle of doing it.
Telling me what to do and accusing me of being about to do “something” even though the “something” hadn’t even entered my head was a power and control thing.

The questions you should be asking yourself are "Why am I with him? Why do I tolerate this abuse?" Honestly, it's beyond me.

Any communication that includes the phrase 'You always...' or ' You never...' is verbal aggression. It's the speaker throwing his weight around, aka verbal abuse.

ExH used to come into the kitchen while I was cooking and ostentatiously put items I had on the counter back into the pantry - salt, pepper, herbs can of tomatoes, can opener, etc. while whining ' Why can't you ever put anything away..?'

I would often leave the kitchen and let him finish cooking the goddamn meal himself. He would have to take all the ingredients back out, and then return them all.

Tell your H it stops or you do no more cooking for him, the ungrateful bastard.

He's an arse and his comments are totally unacceptable.

Sorry, dropped my phone and pressed post as I grabbed it...

But expect him not to stop, just get angry, deny he is doing anything wrong, and blame you for his aggression.

There isn't a cute for this.

The only option is to start considering a future without him. My advice would be to get the ball rolling on this sooner rather than later.

Write him off. Don't 'work on the relationship'. Your H is getting what wants and needs from the relationship. Changing his ways would involve a personality transplant and what would be for him an alien approach to intimate relationships.

Life is too short and brick walls are only going to hurt your head in the end.

Well it's hard to know what would work. I've been talking about an old but very effective book by Dr Paul A Hauck. www.amazon.co.uk/Yourself-Overcoming-common-problems-1981-08-27/dp/B01FKSV01Y/ref=mp_s_a_1_10?dchild=1&keywords=dr+paul+hauck&sprefix=dr+paul+hauc&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&qid=1594146822&sr=8-10
He has a very specific technique. But essentially you are going to need to stick to your guns through sulking, shouting and more. If you are not strong and consistent nothing works and even then it might not at which point it's unlikely he will change.

I would have a fit if someone did this to me personally.