Is your DP touchy and shout/swear at you when you two argue?

[mel263]

Looking for honest replies.
I'm in this situation and it's hard to work out whether it's me just being touchy or him being abusive. Can it ever be both?
Am I wrong to want a relationship that doesn't involve swearing or shouting when arguing, or am I expecting too much?

Why you say swear...does he ever use derogiyary language such as cunt/slut ect...?
Just because that's a site fire way to know that there is seriously something wrong with this man.

Aldo, have you considered that he wanted you to see what he has been googling?
That perhaps, he is controlling. And that he likes running about after you because you being helpless and relying on him, makes him feel in control/powerful?

I would not recommend therapy with someone like that. Individual therapy for you both perhaps. (coupled with you running a mile) might be wise.

*Derogitary
*Sure fire

Yeah, I was brought up by one of these. Don't bring kids into it, whatever you do.

You're not obliged to rescue or save him or whatever. You're perfectly entitled to seek a different type of relationship.

You both have to look at your arguing styles. Why is he shouting and swearing? Are you passive aggressive? Do you treat him with contempt? Are you condescending?

I'm not saying you are, but the question you need to ask him is why he reacts so violently? Is his anger disproportionate? Does he blow up over nothing. My ex had explosive temper outbursts. A complete overreaction to nothing.

If you have a husband who cares enough to do so much for you when you are unwell, what provokes him to behave like this? Get to the bottom of his triggers to better understand him and work it out together

Nope. We both work in environments where language can be ‘colourful’ and both swear but never at each other.
We argue but it’s never been as you describe.

It's things like fuck off, bitch, piss off, shut the fuck up.

I can be passive aggressive and condescending. I have put him down regarding his looks and when he makes a mistake. He's always telling me he feels unloved as I'm not affectionate towards him. I never shout at him or swear because I'm scared of how he will react, it would make him get even more angry and aggressive.

It's such an eye opener to hear about couples who never shout at each other or swear at each other.

Absolutely not ok to call you a bitch. 100% not on.

However, slagging off his looks is not ok either.

Whole relationship sounds toxic tbh.

You don't work as an item.
It doesn't sound salviagble either.

He's always telling me he feels unloved as I'm not affectionate towards him.

I'd find it very difficult to be affectionate towards someone who told me to shut the fuck up.

However putting someone down because of how they look is cruel. You both sound unsuited, and that you're in a toxic relationship where you are bringing out the absolute worst in each other.

OP,
If you are genuinely that surprised that verbal abuse is NOT part of a healthy relationship, I really think that you need to take some time out to find out exactly why it isn't normal behaviour.

You need to learn about healthy relationships.

This is so helpful

It's made me realise how awful I have been in my past relationships and how wrong it is. I feel so guilty now for the things I've said in the past. I don't want to go into detail. I suppose I was brought up around swearing and shouting so for me it was normal.
But as I'm getting older, I don't like it anymore.
I definitely need to learn about healthy relationships

8 years in, neither of us have ever shouted or sworn at each other, or called the other names. I would not stay with someone who did.

Yes, me and my DP are both guilty of it regularly. I wouldn't say it's a happy relationship at all though.