Is your DP touchy and shout/swear at you when you two argue?

[mel263]

Looking for honest replies.
I'm in this situation and it's hard to work out whether it's me just being touchy or him being abusive. Can it ever be both?
Am I wrong to want a relationship that doesn't involve swearing or shouting when arguing, or am I expecting too much?

I have experienced this for years and I hate it so much.
He always has an excuse...
Here are some of them...
I made him or it was because I said such and such.
If I hadn't asked him so and so...
He is allowed to get angry.
I'm over sensitive and so it goes on.
Anyway I want to leave for lots of reasons but this way he shouts and swears and loses his temper so easily is probably the main reason.
Yesterday I made a mistake to do with money and online banking and my son overheard him calling me a f...ing idiot.
I haven't bothered mentioning it to him yet but if I do he will say...
Spying on me were you?
You weren't meant to hear it.
Oh for goodness sake.
You swear sometimes.
And then I start to doubt and question...
Is it that bad?
Was it my fault?
But I don't like it.

My partner has been known to swear in arguments but never AT me (I.e. never called me a bitch or whatever). He isn't a shouter at all to be honest, the only time we sometimes have a tiff is if I've had too much gin and I'm being an arsehole.

I've been married for 30 years. DH and I aren't shouty people and we have never sworn at each other in all the time we've been together. I couldn't be with a shouty, sweary man, it would be a dealbreaker for me. I grew up with a shouty father, I've experienced the damage it does and I don't want that in my own relationship.

To any of you dealing with this behaviour, it's not OK and you don't have to put up with it

Absolutely not, It's definitely not normal to shout and swear. In 16 years together DH has probably raised his voice three times. Why can't he discuss things normally?

No, he never has and I don't do it either. We don't argue much as we've been together 12 years.

I suppose our worst fights we'd sit down and talk, have a cry, take some time out and come back together to figure out what to do.

I don't think you can really solve anything by shouting and swearing at each other and as a couple we're on the same team.

I don't think it's normal to shout at each other and I would not want to be around someone who thought it was ok.

My exh raised his voice a few times during our arguments, but I'd say no more than 5-6 times in 11 years tbh.. current dp only raises his voice when it's a safety issue and I'm about to trip over something etc. Neither of them ever swore at me.

It doesn't have to be this way. I wouldn't be able to be in a relationship where I was being shouted at whenever there was a disagreement. To me, that's someone who lacks relationship skills, at best.

Hello OP my husband is a bit like this. He raises his voice and gets personal. He did call me a dick fairly recently but I thought maybe I deserved it as I was pretty cheeky. We have a newborn and a 3 year old. He's always been this way and it's to do with his upbringing. His parents are like this shouting and swearing. His mum is a bit of a nutter and he recognises it's not normal. Things got harder between us when my now 3 year old came along and before that we rarely argued. He also changed careers and hates his job now so the two things have resulted in a very touchy person. Do you have children? If not, my advice is to really think if this is how you want to live because when kids come along it can get worse (like me) and far more difficult to leave. Think about how it will make you feel over the years because he's not going to change.

OP, you are not the only woman dealing with it.

The question is are you going to put up with it?

At 28nis this the life you want for the 30 or 40 years.

It will only get worse.
The stress of raising a family can be stressful at times.

Would you really want to bring children into a house like that?

There are times that both me and DH shout and swear in arguments but it’s rare and for me that’s a bit different to one person shouting and swearing when the other isnt. When we have reached that point we both realise that we’re not going to resolve anything and we stop and give each other some space.

To give some idea of him he's a director of a building company, You can imagine what their language is like on a building site

If he is a sole trader then he makes up the rules but larger companies don't tolerate this as it isn't acceptable behavioufr and can be judged as bullying.

The root of this is probably due to his relationship with his mum and as a result his lack of respect for women.
Toxic childhood can make someone toxic especially they if have little insight and won't tolerate feedback. I think men struggle more with this due to ego.

It won't get better, likely to get much worse especially if you were dependant on him. If you don't have children, don't even try to change it and just leave. If you gave children plan to leave as its better for their future that you break the cycle.

My ex was a shouty sweary type with an unpredictable fuse, to the extent that I'd definitely class it as verbal/emotional abuse in retrospect. He escalated over the years into physical and financial abuse too (I guess he no longer got the reaction he wanted from the verbal abuse as I became numb to it).

To me, that kind of behaviour is the thin end of the wedge and I will no longer tolerate it in a relationship. Now-DH has never once shouted or sworn at me in a decade together. He still gets annoyed/upset/hurt sometimes but he is able to address this without scaring/hurting me in the process.

Even when people lose their rag, they still make choices - they still act within the bounds of what they see as acceptable.
Your DP is choosing to take his anger out on you in a way he knows upsets/scares you - why?

What has his Mum got to do with it?

It wasn't a leading question. It's a useful test for someone who claims you're being "over sensitive" by looking at how they speak to their mother. If they aren't shouting and screaming in her face that she's a bitch etc., then you have your answer about how they view you. It was a general example.

And in answer to your question generally, no it's not normal and you aren't being over sensitive. I've been with DH for almost 20 years and we have never shouted at each other. We are quite sweary normally but never whilst arguing - DH has never ever sworn at me when angry.

The last argument I ever had with my ex he told me “fuck you” and “go fuck yourself”. It was the latest in a long line of things that were wrong with the relationship, but it was a boundary-breaker for me, so I left and I have not regretted it.

I'm the shouty one in this house. We both swear quite a bit, I swear more. He doesn't often shout though, even when we argue, but sometimes I would rather he shouted and got a bit angry. The way he does argue is worse.

No my dh has never sworn it been aggressive towards me in any shape or form regardless if we are arguing or not.

I think that you've asked him to stop and he has t is very telling

Why do they keep saying sorry then keep doing it?
Do they ever change?
I've was on his phone and saw that he's been goggling things like suicidal thoughts, how to fix my relationship, my girlfriend doesn't love me, relationship advice. What the heck is that all about? I can't tell him I've seen it. I told him that he needed help with his anger but he thinks we need counselling to "Communicate healthier"

My DP doesn’t like any form of swearing so I don’t in his presence. He has explained why he doesn’t like swearing and it’s a valid reason. Pretty much associated with bad experiences from people like your DP.

I told him that he needed help with his anger but he thinks we need counselling to "Communicate healthier"

Joint counselling means that in his head he can write it off as a joint issue, where as having to seek help for anger management puts the responsibility firmly on him. He doesn't want to acknowledge that he is the one with the issue - hence trying to make you take responsibility as well.

My man is a builder and I know he is one of the lads on site but at home he is respectful and would never shout at me or swear at me in anger so that’s not an excuse

He's now agreed to see someone about his anger issue.
I've heard really bad things about this though, that it doesn't work.

My DH had some anger management sessions on the NHS and it teaches you how to deal with anger as you can feel it coming e.g. square breathing technique. Helped for a bit but now he doesn't really use what he learned.

I think they need therapy for why they get so easily angry (in my DH case it is because of his upbringing, with his dad being an angry man). They need to address the bigger issue rather than just the anger, in my non-expert opinion.

No. We row sometimes but it never descends into swearing or shouting at each other. It's really unhealthy imo.

I swear a lot, but would never swear at someone.

I can only remember one occasion when my DH swore at me in 17 years of marriage, and that was during the first few weeks after his dad died in a car accident, so there obviously were mitigating circumstances. He only swears at other drivers who cut him up at roundabouts (not at them, only I can hear him!).

So YANBU, OP.