Would you say this is a good enough reason to miss contact?

[Ggrey180]

Exp is supposed to be gradually increasing contact with dd after a 4 month absence. He had stopped video calls after a month and was meant to have dd for two hours as per a court order but didn't because it was raining.. he doesn't live locally but could have taken dd into town. I offered to let him have another day to make it up he declined so I said he needs to do those two hours before time increases as it isn't fair on dd who barely knows him.

Am I being unreasonable ?

Did the court order specify that the contact was supposed to resume gradually like that?

If so then I would imagine you're perfectly within your rights to insist on it.
If it didn't then unfortunately the fathers seem to have the rights here!

@user1481840227 the order stated that it was meant to be x days at x hours, moving to x days at x hours and so on. But the order also gives dates on those contacts.

He has broken the order then. Get it changed to reflect he missed contact and start again. Is there a clause as to what happens if the order is broken?

How old is DD?

@midnightstar66 dd is 18 months. Not lived with her dad in over a year and he has ever looked after her alone due to safeguarding concerns. There were video calls but he has stopped those now basically has no interest in dd just loves tormenting me.

@madwoman1ntheattic no clause. It's just I had him shouting at my family members today about it in front of dd and I just wonder if I should just roll over to keep the peace. But I also don't want him missing lots of sessions just to spite me.

18 months with a 4 month break - absolutely he needs to stick to the increments. She's a baby. If she was 8 or 10 I'd have maybe answered differently depending on DC's opinion

But I also don't want him missing lots of sessions just to spite me.

This would actually be in your DDs interests. The less she is exposed to him the better. The more sessions he misses the less likely he will be grated a permanent contact order.

Document everything

Say nothing to him about missing the sessions. Don’t contact him to ask why or remind him he has a session. Just make a record of every session he misses then when it goes back to court for review you provide the list of sessions he missed.

And don’t be offering him alternative dates when he cancels. Just write it down that he didn’t come.

Write down the reasons he gives too.

“It was raining” will not impress a judge.

It's pretty pathetic. The court order is exactly what should happen, unless you both agree otherwise. Co-parenting should be collaborative, not when they can be arsed. As others have said, document it and then tskr it back to court to either get it enforced, or changed. Sorry you're going through this.

Safe guarding concerns? Why would you want him around your daughter and what was the judge thinking? If I was you I would not contact him until he contacted me to see her, then I would tell him contacts starts again with two hours like the order says. Basically I would make it as awkward as possible seeing as there is a safeguarding concern.

@Smallsteps88 it really would be in her best interest if he would disappear. It really is difficult, I only suggested reorganising as he is already trying to make out that I'm obstructive and the reason the missed session came up is because he wanted to jump up to the next set of hours when I said no you've missed some and you haven't had contact with her in over two weeks then it was ok I'll add on those hours to the next session.. talk about doing what he wants and amending the order as he pleases.

Oh @RickDeckard he does what he wants, when he wants and he doesn't begin think about dd or her needs. My poor bubba constantly comes back thirsty and hungry and dispite me trying to discuss this with him he doesn't want to hear it and sees it as not a problem.

@Princessbanana I don't want him around dd, this is a man that took a Hoover and turned it on right by dds ears when she was no older than 3 months. But courts feel she is being kept safe, contact is currently supported however by individuals that I don't trust will keep dd safe, and SS have said id have to wait for unsupervised contact to be issued before they can get involved again. The last time they felt I was safe guarding dd and currently because the courts have said supported she should be safe still. But now I'm going to be awkward, he has bullied me for so long now that he'll threaten me if I try to even have a say so I may as well just be difficult.

He enjoys the battle . Don’t engage.

I am not coming it is raining - ok next contact us .... document...

I had similar with ex . Once I stopped been bothered he stopped bothering with contact.

Just ensure you follow the order. Is this your final order or interim?

Do you have a solicitor? Ask his/ her advice.

Do nothing to encourage. He can say you are been obstructive because he says it doesn’t make it true

I would say in lockdown situation it’s raining is valid as it’s not like he can take her somewhere indoors but I would expect him to rearrange.

when it comes to it that little girl needs a dad.
The first time I heard that in your stage of the game I was so angry.
She won't care or know why people think not.
Leave it be.
note it and do not adjust it to try and suit, his opinion of you does not matter:
Better yet make a email folder put it all into it.

You have no way to add on the hours it is not part of the plan or court arrangement.
Both of you are trying to amend it to suit to spite each other and he will never parent the way you want so find some way to cope or deal with it fast.
Coming home hungry thirsty or tired is common for children not nessarily neglect.
I vacuum by my sleeping children they never wake up.

Any man can be a dad. That little girl needs to grow up not seeing her mother (and in turn her own self) being further abused by her ex partner. There are also safeguarding concerns re him too.

OP - document all the times the court order is breached and get further legal advice. He really does enjoy messing with you like this re access; its about power and control and he still wants absolute here.
Such men really do feel entitled to act like this and will not think twice about using their kid to get back at the mother as some form of "punishment" for leaving him, he is his eyes being a perfect speciment.

@heresmybogusname when I say he hoovered near her head I mean she was on the sofa and he put the Hoover, the suction part right by her ears and this isn't the only thing he has done to dd. I'm not amending, I made dd available, I offered alternative dates so he could make up those hours and follow the order, he then wanted to add those hours on to which I said no there needs to be that gradual increase. If he decides not to show up for x amount of weeks and turns up again am I to just say that's ok.. im just saying back to where he left off?
I agree dd coming back thirsty and hungry isn't uncommon but id expect him to think about resolving it.. when dd isn't doing a wet nappy for 4 hours that's an issue.

As pp have said just take note and go back to court. I would also screenshot and print his messages. I would also change his name on my phone from "John" to just his number. So when you screenshot and print the messages they will clearly be from him. He would not be able to argue that you, for example, changed your best friend's name from Sarah to John on your phone and she sent the messages, not him. Do you know what I mean?

@Lockdownseperation and that is the reason I said about rearranging. He could have taken her to the local shopping centre, he has lived hear and knows it well, but he obviously felt that wasn't suitable and that's fine but I offered the day after and everyday up until the next contact date, he didn't want to do this instead didn't contact me until 5 days later.

@AttilaTheMeerkat, I've always said if ex can have a healthy relationship with dd I.e. one where he isn't threatening, bullying and scaring her then I fully support that. But the man I still see is the man I left, the one with anger and self entitlement issues. And while the courts may at some point give unsupervised contact he should at least be made to follow the order as I have to.

@Starlightstarbright1 this is a interim order. I know I need to stop being bothered, I think it's part of the issue, he knows he is getting to me. Plus I don't think likes that he now has to pay me the full amount of maintenance.. didn't contribute even half of what he was meant to but as soon as we got to court that changed.

@Hushabusha, I get you, that's a good point as I've been taking snap shots and then snap shots of his contact card in my phone.

I have got a solicitor who said I'm not breaching but everytime his solicitor replied that I am etc even though they acknowledge I tried to rearrange.. of course ex has an excuse for every day. It's just very exhausting, already impacted my mental health

It is easier not to let him know you are bothered than not to be bothered. That takes longer.

In my case it was when I realised he stopped listening to me when he was married so wasn’t going to listen to me now.

My solicitor also told me he would see it so many times men who loved the fight but once they got the access didn’t bother because it was never about seeing bathe child.

Every cancellation is something to take back to court. Communicate through email if text . Think about every reply how a judge would read it .

If he sends a message through relative , email - just confirming you are cancelling today due to rain so next contact will be 2 hours on ..... then don’t even respond to debates

If you've got a court order in place he has to stick to it. He doesn't get to add hours on or change the arrangements. The point of a court order is that the arrangements are clearly spelt out by a third party so he absolutely shouldn't be pressuring you into negotiating changes. As others have said, keep records and don't engage.

You don't offer him alternative times. The judge has given him his allocated slot. He misses it - too bad.