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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Stalking.

32 replies

Theodoreb · 04/07/2020 20:03

My ex from 4 years ago we were addicts together. He beat and raped me badly people called police many times and needed hospital treatment a few times, but always refused to press charges. Because I was a addict I had such a low opinion of myself I didn't think I deserved better, and I seriously thought if I just showed him the unconditional love he claimed he never had he'd change. I was a idiot I was of my bipolar medication and being honest my head was such a messed up place I wouldn't wish it on anyone. By the time I left I was too weak to go through pressing charges and just wanted out of there and only had the strength to crawl out.

Well I've caught him in my street a few times, even though it's no where near his house just assumed he had a friend nearby.
A friend of mine said my ex was questioning him, the friend is a friend of his family but not my ex, but doesn't want to make any kind of statement to police as he is good friends with the rest of the family, he just told me to warn me.

The friend told me my ex knows which car is mine despite only owning it since December, he knows my mother has moved out which happened in March and knows where she is living. He also knows I have been having sex with someone. My friend asked him how he knew and he wouldn't answer. He kept asking my friend a lot of questions about me my friend says.

I'm thinking about just ignoring him and he will get bored and move on and leave me alone. Thinking giving him attention will just make him worse. Plus I am tired and just want to be left alone.

OP posts:
SoulofanAggron · 04/07/2020 20:21

Brrrrr, how unnerving for you OP. Sad

I know this is an aside but I have bipolar- I hope you're taking your meds now as it's so much better.

Well done for leaving him and dealing with your addiction. xxx

Theodoreb · 04/07/2020 20:24

@SoulofanAggron I am currently weaning down on meds to swap over Monday so not the best time for this. What I don't understand is how he knows I have been having sex as only me and the guy know.

OP posts:
namechange12a · 04/07/2020 20:24

DO NOT ignore him OP. Being stalked puts you right up there in the at risk category. You need to contact the police. Dial 101. Explain that there is a history of domestic violence including serious sexual assault. Tell them that various people have come forward to tell you that he knows where you live etc

Contact the National Stalking Helpline for advice and support: 0808 802 0300 09:30 - 16:00 weekdays, except for Wednesday when it is open 13:00 to 16:00.

Honeyroar · 04/07/2020 20:29

Do you think he just saw you with the other man and had a stab in the dark? Just to try and spoon you? I’m sure he knew that your friend would tell you. Personally I think you should log it with the police. It sounds like this man put you through quite enough and you shouldn’t give him an inch of the benefit of the doubt. Show him you’re strong and won’t let him stalk/scare you.

Honeyroar · 04/07/2020 20:30

Spook you not spoon you!!

TwilightPeace · 04/07/2020 20:40

Is he just guessing that you had sex, in the hopes that you will admit it?
He sounds dangerous.

Theodoreb · 04/07/2020 20:43

With the guy I have sex with, I arrive with a group of friends to have a drink and then slowly they leave one by one and I sleep over, but no one knows this I was always friends with the guy so not sure how he knows I stay after everyone. The guy I was friends with even while me and my ex were together however after splitting the guy stayed friends with me but not my ex.

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SoulofanAggron · 04/07/2020 20:46

It is probably worth telling the police. Even though you didn't press charges, stuff is probably still on file about him.

Hope your meds change goes well- please let us know how it goes. xxx

Honeyroar · 04/07/2020 20:47

He’s probably sitting outside watching and seeing you don’t come out until later.

Definitely report him.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 04/07/2020 20:58

If you are absolutely sure that nobody could possibly know about you and your FWB, then your ex is following you either electronically or physically.

I suspect he may have access to your emails or messenger, so assume these are compromised for now and don't send anything you don't want him to read.

4 years since you split, this guy isn't going to get bored. Agree with all PPs - you must report to police.

Theodoreb · 04/07/2020 20:59

I will call 101 as I feel very creeped out right now, I am concerned as I don't like the thought of being stalked as I suffer with paranoia and I believe as I needed hospital treatment the call outs were logged (correct me if I'm wrong) And police really wanted me to press charges many times so hopeful they take me seriously.

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Theodoreb · 04/07/2020 21:03

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation he cannot be following me electronically as I changed all details to a childhood friends passwords and login details whom he never met and knows nothing about.

I have moved 4 times as kept attempting to live without my mum but kept going back as struggled it's only the last time we did things different where my mum moved in with me until I felt comfy then moved out when she felt I was ready which gladly has worked.

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WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo · 04/07/2020 21:23

Call the police, tell them the history and get a reference number. So if it ramps up or he tries to get in when you call give them the reference & they know it’s serious and they need to respond fast. There’s an app you can download on your phone too which allows to register a distress call for help without having to speak in an emergency, might be worth looking into.

NeedToKnow101 · 04/07/2020 21:40

I agree you need to involve the police. Sorry this is happening to you.

famousforwrongreason · 05/07/2020 05:27

I have been involved in a very low level stalking and harassment situation for a while. The police definitely are interested. I sat on it for ages before I told them because I thought they had better things to do.
They said I should have told them straight away and they have been checking in with me to see how I am. It makes me feel less vulnerable.

famousforwrongreason · 05/07/2020 05:29

Oh just saw your response about them wanting to press charges in the past. In that case, they'll be delighted to hear from you. Put yourself first and stay safe. The more we report this sort of crap hopefully the less people will be inclined to behave in this shitty way.

Aknifewith16blades · 05/07/2020 07:33

He sounds like bad news all round.

He might have a keystroke tracker on your electronics, and saw you change your passwords, so knows the new ones.

He might have a tracker on your car. Are you driving over to your mate's place and staying overnight?

This is another stalking helpline [[https://paladinservice.co.uk/]].

Theodoreb · 05/07/2020 07:47

@AKnifewith16blades.

No I don't drive there my mum drops me of then I get a taxi in the morning. So my car is not outside at all.

He may have key logger didn't think of that going to clean up then phone 101.

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Theodoreb · 05/07/2020 07:48

Thanks for stalking links will sit down and have a read.

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Theodoreb · 05/07/2020 13:45

Called police they are coming out to speak to me tomorrow.

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Theodoreb · 05/07/2020 13:45

Called police they are coming out to speak to me tomorrow.

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namechange12a · 05/07/2020 13:55

Well done. What did they say?

Please also contact one of the Stalking organisations for further advise and info. They will advise on safety, your legal options and answer any further questions you have.

Theodoreb · 05/07/2020 14:24

Basically said they will review the history, to log everything no matter how small and they will be able to build a case which will make more serious action easier if this escalates.

OP posts:
namechange12a · 05/07/2020 14:30

Sounds great. They didn't used to take stalking seriously at all. Some areas still don't. Ask them how they are going to protect you in the meantime. They may be able to fit a panic button for you and check the place for security. Ask about the Sanctuary Scheme - it's where your place is checked for security and locks/alarms are fitted.

Theodoreb · 05/07/2020 15:00

I've been offered panic buttons and sensors which call people if the alarm goes off before when I first left him but I said no as they remind me too much of when me and my mum left my dad and I find them frightening.

OP posts:
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