DH and I are getting divorced and I feel really confused about it.
We got married 12 years ago and the first few years were good. We had 2 boys and he was incredible through the baby stages. However, when our youngest was about 1, he got a new job that consumed him. From his perspective he worked hard to support us as a family.
So for the next 2-3 years after the job change I barely saw him. In the week he got home at 11pm and I was already in bed or asleep. At the weekend he either had to do work at home or was so exhausted from the working week that he needed a lot of sleep and rest. He was irritable with the children.
So about 18 months ago I eventually told him how unhappy I was. I felt that we had no connection anymore and we awaited counselling. He’s a very dominant person and I would never win a debate or argument with him so I wanted to wait until counselling to discuss everything. However it took 6 weeks for the first appointment and he was heartbroken during this time. The counselling didn’t help. I said how I felt we didn’t have any closeness and the counsellor seemed to take his side and we eventually stopped going.
DH tried to do things and he actually changed jobs (the new one is possibly better but difficult to tell as he’s now working from home).
I do 99.9% of looking after the boys, house, etc. I also work full time but do condensed hours over 3 days a week in a very stressful job. He says that I work part time (I used to) because I work on 3 days so I should continue to do 99.9% of the chores. He does his own washing but I do everything else.
A few months ago I broke down and sobbed and asked for his help. He said he would and wanted to know what I do so we agreed I would send him a list. I sent the list and sadly he said he didn’t feel like he could do anything to help. This was while one parent was dying and the other was seriously ill.
So then we had some complicated family situations which are too outing to mention and eventually my dying parent died.
He wasn’t able to offer me any emotional support. He has no relationship with his parents.
During the last 3-6 months he has barely looked at me or spoken to me.
So we very amicably agreed to divorce. He has found a new place and moves there in a few months.
This week has been really tough as it’s the end of nursery for my youngest, I’m exhausted, my job is physically and emotionally draining, I miss my recently deceased parent, I’m very stressed about finances. But most of all I feel really sad and anxious about the divorce.
From DH’s perspective he feels like he has tried but that I haven’t. He needs sexual intimacy to feel emotional closeness and I need the reverse. So we got stuck in a cycle of not giving each other what we needed.
I’m sad for our boys (5, 7). Sad for myself. I feel like there has been so much loss recently.
I’m interested in an outside perspective. I’m blaming myself a lot. I should add that I have supportive friends and a therapist who I see regularly.
I’m concerned this is a massive mistake.