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Original poster

Pregnancy stress partner is not helping

33 replies

CharisA · 03/07/2020 19:51

I am 18 weeks pregnant, I have type one diabetes ive been struggling a lot mentally and physically through this pregnancy. Im very worn out most the time and my morning sickness came back in the last few weeks, my hormones are very hard to control.
For me, in the evening so about 7 pm onwards I want to relax and unwind and try let go of all of the day, my partner doesn't seem to understand how important it is for me to unwind in the evening. The short story is he has a very old dog and I'm worn out and stressed not to mention I'm having a lot of anxiety, his dog does not settle it's constantly marching around she can't sit still at all, she moans a lot and she wees around the kitchen shes not easy to deal with in general let alone now I'm pregnant and needs to stay calm. I'm really keeping it very simple because it would take a long time to explain the issues. My partner doesn't even give me time without her for me to unwind.... When she won't settle and she starts weeing or moaning I have to go to bed because he won't do anything to give me space from her. It's a bit much and I can't talk to him about it because he is incredibly overprotective of her and even when I talk calmly to him about me need some space to relax he gets very angry and defensive. I just am so worn out I just want to cry I want to be able to relax in my own home and I can't it's really a bit much

OP posts:

LouiseTrees · 03/07/2020 20:01

Why don’t you take a book or an iPad to bed and relax up there? I feel you as I am really not a dog person and I would go mad but even if he took the dog away to give you space it would continue to make so much noise (whimpers, howls, scratching things etc) from not being in its normal place. He could come up and join you and leave the dog downstairs for a little while maybe then back down and tend to the dog, no?

PurpleButterflyAway · 03/07/2020 20:14

Does he clean up after her? I don’t understand how you can’t relax just because she’s moving about?

PenelopePitstop49 · 03/07/2020 20:14

Clearly this is heading to the "it's me or the dog" conversation.

I just hope you like his answer.

If anyone was as unkind about my elderly dog like you've been here, I'd be showing them the door, pregnant or not.

EBM20 · 03/07/2020 20:19

I have a similar situation with partners cat. We cannot cuddle on the sofa without the cat jumping on us and clawing me, it's like the cat is jealous! I'm 20 weeks pregnant and I dread to think what the cat will be like when the baby is here!

SoulofanAggron · 03/07/2020 20:27

He should just let you go in the bedroom to chill, at least for a bit in the evenings. If he doesn't, he's overly controlling.

Arrivederla · 03/07/2020 20:28

You are in for a hammering here op as most mumsnetters think you should always prioritise an animal over your own happiness.

I would also be unhappy about having a dog weeing in my kitchen but not quite sure what you can do about it, unless you have another room for the dog to stay in...

Original poster

CharisA · 03/07/2020 20:40

@LouiseTrees yes that's a good point she probably would still moan. He won't sit upstairs with me "he hates being upstairs because he won't sleep" it feels a bit silly but I really feel like sometimes the dog's happiness is more important than mine and it makes me sad. I just hate that I have to remove myself I should be the one allowed to relax with the tv rather than having to hide upstairs, I feel lonely. I just wish when I had a bad day that I could be made to feel nice and relaxed you know?

@PurpleButterflyAway she passes in and out the room for hours she doesn't sit clammily and she moans a lot it's hard to unwind when she won't settle. She will settle when it's just me but when he is around she becomes agitated. I do clean up after her and I take her out to the loo he does sometimes too but it's just hard sometimes if I've had a long rough day I want to be calm, and she won't sot and be calm she marches continuously while moaning, it gets a bit much

@PenelopePitstop49 - I am a huge animal lover, I haven't been mean I'm just trying to say it's hard sometimes and I need a bit of a break. It would be nice if occasionally I could have a relaxed night in the living room with my partner. To unwind stress isn't good.

@EBM20 it's not easy I love animals but it's just the occasional need to have a rest and relax in the living room.... Like you I want to have that cuddle with my partner with out being the one on alert to try make sure she's being let out so she doesn't have an accident because shes going to the loo a lot and in the evenigns, she won't sit calmly and sometimes I just want some time without the stress. It's not easy the pregnancy is making me very anxious and stressed and occasionally I need a break not every day just once in a bluemoon

OP posts:

Original poster

CharisA · 03/07/2020 20:46

@Arrivederla I don't dislike the dog it's just hard sometimes.... I tried to explain as best I could but I think your right people will take this and be angry with me. All I want is a break every now and again without the stress. She is pretty good when it's just me but when he's here in the evenings it becomes very hard to settle her at all and then she wees if I don't keep an eye on her it becomes hard work and I would just like a calm evening once in a while.... I not saying I want her gone not at all I just need a little break occasionally.... Like all people do you know

If I need to unwind at night I have to sit alone up in bed and it just makes me feel very down

OP posts:

LovingLola · 03/07/2020 20:49

How long have you been with your partner?

Original poster

CharisA · 03/07/2020 20:52

@LovingLola Two years

OP posts:

EBM20 · 03/07/2020 20:53

@CharisA currently sat on the sofa with partner with the cat on partners lap, if I go over for a cuddle I get the claw! If partner moves the cat off him, the cat just jumps back up. Indoor cat in an open plan flat, bedroom is the only place cat is not allowed.

Original poster

CharisA · 03/07/2020 20:57

@SoulofanAggron im allowed to go in the bedroom in the evenings but it's just not overly nice for me to be in bed at 7 or 8 alone and go to sleep alone. Just gets lonely because he won't sit with me. She does this every night and most nights I deal with it because nothing can be done but if ive had a rough day if ive had a down day I just could do with some support from my partner instead I have to go hide in the bedroom. Just occasionally would be nice to settle her down with a treat in a different room just so I can't watch a movie rather than me having to hide away. Like I said I don't mean every night just occasionally I just sometimes need a break

OP posts:

RLEOM · 03/07/2020 20:57

You don't want an unhygienic dog around the place if you're having a baby. My daughter is currently 18 months and my dog is 14. I'm constantly clearing up dribbles and puddles of dog pee or wiping smudges of poo off the carpet. It's vile. And the garden always has the odd patch of mushy poo, so I can't relax neither in or out of the house. I love my dog but my daughter's health comes first.

(The dog is still alive, but I'm counting down the days until it's time for her - the dog - to go.)

Original poster

CharisA · 03/07/2020 21:04

@EBM20 I love cats but they are hard work because you can't really tell them to sit or get off the sofa, I can imagine it's very difficult... Just every now and again we need a break. But I guess some times it's in our hands can we handle it or is it too much. This is why when it gets to much I hide in the bedroom but that's not really healthy I guess and I don't recommend you hiding in the bedroom it will just make you sad and feel alone as I do. I loves animals I really do and I really didn't write this to slate the dog not at all to he honest I just feel occasionally I would like my partner to take control and give me space from the dog and spend time with me for an hour or two when I have the occasional bad day. Would be nice to have a calm space where he could spend some time with me occasionally.

For you the cat will be ever so hard you can't really get space and you can't shut your selfs away on the odd occasion unless it's in bed and sometimes you just want watch a movie in peace

OP posts:

AliasGrape · 03/07/2020 21:05

I don’t understand why, if it’s your partner’s dog, you’re the one having to clean up after it and cleaning up the wees.

For the record I have an elderly dog, he was mine for a long time and since I moved in with DH he’s been ours. We both take responsibility for the dog, DH does more than me at the moment because I’m 8 months pregnant. Our dog doesn’t wee in the house though, and is generally pretty chilled, but we’re prepared that things will change as he gets older.

Does the dog get walked? Why is it so unhappy and unsettled?

What do you want your partner to do? You say he doesn’t do anything to give you a break - what do you suggest?

Original poster

CharisA · 03/07/2020 21:09

@RLEOM im so glad you understand! I do love animals and when it's just me and the dog I keep a real close eye on her and shes ever so good. But it's just my partner he makes her overly clingy and she wants to be with him but also can't sot still she gets her self in a pickle and then she ends up weeing or leaking and she can't sit still and the constant passing from room to room it gets me agitated.... He doesn't notice when she wees in her bed etc the fact she walks it around the house so I have to check and clean everyday and it's just a lot to constant be keeping an eye on her and on a bad day I just need a break. But he doesn't take the time to give me the space or a day off from being the one trying to make sure shes being let out or clearing up mess or trying to settle her.

OP posts:

AnEbayNovice · 03/07/2020 21:11

I wonder if taking the dog out for an evening walk would help relax you both? I'm pregnant too at a similar stage and have a high needs dog, I've found if I take him for an extra walk before I do toddler bath time etc it can really help me clear my head and helps dog too

Original poster

CharisA · 03/07/2020 21:16

@AliasGrape I think for some reason when he or his mum is around she just gets her self into a mess she doesn't know how to be calm around them she gets herself agitated... I'm not sure why it's like shes over-excited but anxious too.

I keep an eye because if I leave it to him she has accidents he doesn't notice her needing to go out fast enough he also doesn't notice when shes weed or had a dribble he never has been very good at noticing it I've always just helped with cleaning it because I'm up before him most the time. But I have a bad immune system with my diabetes but the pregnancy makes me immune system even weaker so I have to been a bit more on the ball so now im doing it a lot.
She also wants to go to bed at 7 but he won't put her to bed till gone 9.... I think if she wants to go to bed out her to bed for a few hours then let her out see if she settles with us if she still want a to go to bed let her go back to bed.

I want him to just try find a way to help her settle and to notice the wee and when the dog needs to go out etc rather than me having to get involved at night time im ever so worn out i just want to switch off some times.... But he just won't notice it so I have to you know

OP posts:

Original poster

CharisA · 03/07/2020 21:18

@AnEbayNovice - that's a fab idea!!! I will try that tomorrow ill take her out about 7 when she usually starts getting restless maybe that will help relax her at night! Thank you
Worth a try for sure

OP posts:

AliasGrape · 03/07/2020 21:23

What you want is entirely reasonable and what he should be doing. Sounds like he’s not showing much care neither for you nor the dog.

Is he selfish in other ways? He sounds lazy and like he doesn’t really give a shit, which doesn’t bode well at all.

I just can’t imagine a good partner (nor a good dog owner!) not trying to resolve this.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 03/07/2020 21:26

She also wants to go to bed at 7 but he won't put her to bed till gone 9...

Why not? I don't have a dog but if they're anything like kids then I'm not surprised she walks about all evening - probably unsettled because she wants to sleep.

AnotherEmma · 03/07/2020 21:29

FFS why would you get pregnant with a man who won't even look after his own dog properly; he's not going to be a great father is he?!

Letting his pregnant partner run around after HIS dog is the ultimate lazy selfish arsehole behaviour.

The most tragic thing is that you're letting him get away with it. You make excuses for him "not noticing" and you continue to martyr yourself running around after the dog and complaining on here instead of doing what you should which is going apeshit at your partner.

Stop. Cleaning. Up. After. The. Dog.

Let the lazy arsehole do it! He'll soon start noticing when she needs letting out!

Original poster

CharisA · 03/07/2020 21:36

@AliasGrape he's not lazy he's good around the house and helping me with running me around to the doctors and hosptial. But when it comes to the dog I think he ignores or because he doesn't want to believe shes as old as she is and ignore that maybe shes not all that well... He get very very defensive over her so it's easier for me to just sort the issue myself.... He thinks everytime I try to talk about her maybe not being well or him needing to check her in the mornings that I am attacking him and the dog he gets defensive.... And he's a bit blinkered some times her beds in the corner so he doesn't have to go up to it he can just assume it's fine but I can smell the wee and I check the bed every morning. I will talk to him tomorrow and see if maybe he could do that for me and maybe try a new system...but he will probably take it as me saying hea not looking after his dog.. And we may argue.....im not sure why he gets so defensive about her

OP posts:

AnotherEmma · 03/07/2020 21:38

"I will talk to him tomorrow and see if maybe he could do that for me"

for you?!

🤦🏻‍♀️

Original poster

CharisA · 03/07/2020 21:38

@thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter im not sure why... I've said we should try out letting her sleep when she wants to but he won't he says it's too early and it will make her wee more.... But ive said well you don't come to be till 11 so why not let her out again before you go to bed.... I don't know he is a bit defensive about her and doesn't like me giving advice regarding her

OP posts:

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