Ok here goes. I’m not sure where to start. My partner and I have been together for 3 years, our relationship is really good, we have fun together, talk for hours, it’s affectionate and passionate, I feel listened to and supported, and loved and accepted for exactly who I am. He gets on great with my kids and is willing to be a part of their lives eg he has on occasion gone more out of his way for them than their own dad does.
We don’t live together because my kids are happy and I’m hesitant to change that but we normally talk and text everyday when not together.
Also, I am very observant and tend to overthink too much, due to my ex cheating on me, and he has never given me any reason to doubt him.
But last Autumn he told me that when we had been dating for around 9 months he had got very very drunk and had sex with a friend of a friend, we have talked about this a lot since and I have asked many questions and he is sure that he doesn’t remember a thing and that he has NEVER wanted to cheat on me. I know that he can ‘perform’ when very drunk. He said he woke up that morning feeling like something wasn’t right, remembering nothing and seeing her sleeping on the sofa. She had apparently come round to ask him to help her with something, he’s very handy and good at diy, can lay floors, plaster a little etc.
Anyway, he had been stressed with work and had started drinking more regularly and it was around this time that I noticed he stopped drinking completely although obviously I didn’t know the reason why. He now tells me it was because of the guilt and he wanted no possibility of something like that ever happening again.
He says a while later she told him that she was pregnant and they both agreed she would have an abortion. He says he never told me because it was a mistake that he hated had happened, he felt terrible and he had never wanted to cheat on me, and hasn’t wanted to in the 3 years since either and because he was scared I would leave him.
He probably wouldn’t have ever told me except last Autumn this woman contacted him again to say she has had the baby. The baby was 10 months at this point. A DNA test has proved that it is his.
He was so sorry when he told me all this and seemed genuine and because our relationship had been so good up till that point I decided to stay together and try to get past all this.
So since then it’s been tough. He has been nothing but understanding towards my feelings and takes full responsibility, he has always said our relationship was perfect, there was nothing missing, it’s not in any way my fault. It’s all him and his mistake. When I’ve had my doubts he has been sure that we can get through this.
Even last week he was saying this. But yesterday he suddenly said that he’s not sure we can get through it and maybe it’s too much. When I asked him if he wanted us to still be together he said he doesn’t know, when I asked why the sudden change he said he doesn’t know, when I asked him if he was lying when he said he was sure about us even just last week he said yes, it’s honestly how he felt.
He says he knows he loves me, that he still desires me and wants us to be together. And that if we were to split up it’s not because he doesn’t love me and he would want to stay friends. He knows I am not open to that option though.
In case it’s relevant, he was made redundant in the pandemic, he is very hard working and the previous two times he has been unemployed (once due to moving area) he has seemed a bit “meh” about life and seems lost.
I’m not sure what to do, wait and see if this is a temporary feeling? And if so, how long? Or tell him we should have some space from each other since he’s not sure what he wants? In this mood he’s unlikely to do any deep thinking though.
And why might he possibly want to break up but keep me in his life as friends? That makes no sense to me.
He knows fwb is not an option so it’s not that and it’s definitely not because his desire is gone, he says he still loves me too so I’m just confused in the situation.
I am sure someone is going to suggest it but I am sure there is no other woman involved and 100% that there’s nothing going on with the baby’s mum.