He suddenly doesn’t know if he wants to continue the relationship

[SunnyRoses]

Ok here goes. I’m not sure where to start. My partner and I have been together for 3 years, our relationship is really good, we have fun together, talk for hours, it’s affectionate and passionate, I feel listened to and supported, and loved and accepted for exactly who I am. He gets on great with my kids and is willing to be a part of their lives eg he has on occasion gone more out of his way for them than their own dad does.
We don’t live together because my kids are happy and I’m hesitant to change that but we normally talk and text everyday when not together.
Also, I am very observant and tend to overthink too much, due to my ex cheating on me, and he has never given me any reason to doubt him.

But last Autumn he told me that when we had been dating for around 9 months he had got very very drunk and had sex with a friend of a friend, we have talked about this a lot since and I have asked many questions and he is sure that he doesn’t remember a thing and that he has NEVER wanted to cheat on me. I know that he can ‘perform’ when very drunk. He said he woke up that morning feeling like something wasn’t right, remembering nothing and seeing her sleeping on the sofa. She had apparently come round to ask him to help her with something, he’s very handy and good at diy, can lay floors, plaster a little etc.

Anyway, he had been stressed with work and had started drinking more regularly and it was around this time that I noticed he stopped drinking completely although obviously I didn’t know the reason why. He now tells me it was because of the guilt and he wanted no possibility of something like that ever happening again.

He says a while later she told him that she was pregnant and they both agreed she would have an abortion. He says he never told me because it was a mistake that he hated had happened, he felt terrible and he had never wanted to cheat on me, and hasn’t wanted to in the 3 years since either and because he was scared I would leave him.

He probably wouldn’t have ever told me except last Autumn this woman contacted him again to say she has had the baby. The baby was 10 months at this point. A DNA test has proved that it is his.
He was so sorry when he told me all this and seemed genuine and because our relationship had been so good up till that point I decided to stay together and try to get past all this.

So since then it’s been tough. He has been nothing but understanding towards my feelings and takes full responsibility, he has always said our relationship was perfect, there was nothing missing, it’s not in any way my fault. It’s all him and his mistake. When I’ve had my doubts he has been sure that we can get through this.
Even last week he was saying this. But yesterday he suddenly said that he’s not sure we can get through it and maybe it’s too much. When I asked him if he wanted us to still be together he said he doesn’t know, when I asked why the sudden change he said he doesn’t know, when I asked him if he was lying when he said he was sure about us even just last week he said yes, it’s honestly how he felt.
He says he knows he loves me, that he still desires me and wants us to be together. And that if we were to split up it’s not because he doesn’t love me and he would want to stay friends. He knows I am not open to that option though.

In case it’s relevant, he was made redundant in the pandemic, he is very hard working and the previous two times he has been unemployed (once due to moving area) he has seemed a bit “meh” about life and seems lost.

I’m not sure what to do, wait and see if this is a temporary feeling? And if so, how long? Or tell him we should have some space from each other since he’s not sure what he wants? In this mood he’s unlikely to do any deep thinking though.
And why might he possibly want to break up but keep me in his life as friends? That makes no sense to me.
He knows fwb is not an option so it’s not that and it’s definitely not because his desire is gone, he says he still loves me too so I’m just confused in the situation.
I am sure someone is going to suggest it but I am sure there is no other woman involved and 100% that there’s nothing going on with the baby’s mum.

Sounds like the relationship is finished in his eyes.
I doubt you can just pretend nothing has happened and carry on - he has checked out.
Sooner or later he will start cheating on you again, or find a women he wants to be with and leave you.
I think by finishing it now you save yourself a lot of pain.

I feel you are looking for validation to forgive and carry on under any guise. Don’t dance to his tune. He is showing you who he is. A real partner would not have these doubts over this period of time. You would not want your child to put up with this type of behaviour if it was them. Gather your self respect and take one day at a time. Get supportive people around you and move on. He is a liar and a cheat and now he’s saying he is not sure about you? What a liberty! You can do this! Your gut is telling you something!

Stop being such a mug

That should say I asked him if he was lying when he was sure about us even last week and he said no he wasn’t lying, that’s honestly how he felt

I feel like you’re looking for validation to forgive him

Probably, I tend to doubt my judgement. He is the first person, aside from friends, that I ever felt I didn’t have to pretend for or put up any acts, I was with my ex for many years before his affair but I never completely relaxed around him, but that was normal to me.
This man made me feel so loved and accepted, I was myself and that’s a powerful hold to break.

Last week when everything was fine he told me he needed to help a friend out, I know this friend btw, he is in a bad situation, my partner feels bad for him and now is saying that it could happen to anyone, life is pointless, you just work so hard to get not very far or you relax, have more free time and have nothing. He feels like there is not much enjoyment in life, he would escape it all if he could or drink himself into oblivion.

Regardless, I need someone that I can rely on.

I think you know the answer to this one OP. You know his story is full of lies.

Of course you feel comfortable around him OP - he’s a ‘salesman’, good with women, easy with them - sadly he is not like that just with you. It beats me how they can be like this with more than one at once, but they can, and I think they mean what they say to an extent in that very moment - but when something suits better, grass seems greener elsewhere, or simply things are going to get awkward that’s when they’ll waltz off and expect you to be cool with it too - they don’t like scenes. I imagine that he has another woman with whom he either wants to spend more time, or who is going to tell you something difficult for him. He’ll be back around on and off when life with next one becomes boring or awkward. It’s hard because you still see that person you fell for, but they’re not real - harder still to get your heart to accept they’re not there, if you only try harder. It’s easy to see from the outside but so, so difficult on the inside. You truly are better without him, but may take a while till you see who he really is. I had one - best fella I ever snagged on the face of it - so hard to let go and I cringe at how I hung around - I wouldn’t bother with him now, as I’d want more than surface affection that’s not really in him to give when he sees so many toys to play with, but still if I think of him there’s lingering feeling it was me not him - he’s married now but still has an eye for the greener grass sadly at times, not the full ‘eyes just for you’ type of guy.

He's a liar.

I'm sorry OP but you've been taken for a mug.

The only way to salvage a relationship at this point is a full 180 (Google relationship 180) And hopefully whilst you're doing this, you'll realise what a useless asshole he really is and decided of your own accord to LTB.

He's up to no good and he will erode your self respect until you're a shell of your former self. Love is not enough, you need respect too.

The fact that he allegedly got so drunk he couldn't remember anything the next morning and realized something was amiss when he saw her sleeping on the sofa should be enough to dump him anyway. Do you want to be with someone who gets so drunk they aren't in control of their actions.
And then he managed to get her pregnant, allegedly during this encounter where he was so drunk he couldn't recall what happen....
Just get rid of him otherwise you're going to have a lifetime of him using drink as an excuse for shagging or whatever else. He's said he doesn't know if he want to continue the relationship - fine, off he goes!

Good Morning,

Regarding the cheating, I have changed some of the details while still trying to keep the gist. I know the actual story and also know it’s true, it’s been verified several different sources / ways. I know it seems like I’m blindly believing but trusting is not one of my qualities.

I knew before I posted that most would say they would not have stayed, or believe they wouldn’t if they haven’t had to make the decision irl. That most people’s viewpoint is a leopard doesn’t change its spots and there’s always more. I told the backstory because I wanted to give an idea of the problems may be too big to get through means, but if there are parts that don’t make sense, that’s because I improvised them knowing there would be questions.

The main part was why would someone want to be friends after a break up I guess. I’m not really sure. I was getting my thoughts out. I was feeling low yesterday, always do just after my children leave for the weekend these last few months.

they don’t like scenes
I’m not sure about this because we have definitely had scenes but I appreciate what you’re saying and I agree that I probably love the part of what he’s shown me and filled in the gaps. I have wondered before whether I love him or love the way I feel around him. Although he can also be very annoying.
I know there’s no other woman though.

@SandyY2K after everything he’s done it would be the push I needed to call it a day

Yes, that’s the way I feel.
And yes, he does see the baby, pay for it etc, the baby is not a secret.

He’s telling you he still wants to be friends , to lessen the blow . The old we’ll still be mates and keep in touch line . Very much doubt he really means it , but it sounds good, bit like I got blind drunk , shagged some woman and when I woke up I felt something wasn’t right ,and she was asleep on the sofa . He’s taking shite , once you’ve gone your seperate ways I bet that will be it , he’ll be gone . Unless of course , you step in and tell Mr lying shagger to do one first , which I think is the general opinion of your best course of action

So in the short time that youve been together hes cheated on you,lied and kept it from you,then hid his newborn child from you too-And youre still looking for reasons to stay together ? Love is blind and its always hard to envisage finishing with a charismatic guy that you love,but really?!?
How can you genuinely still see a future together with this guy?

I know the actual story and also know it’s true, it’s been verified several different sources / ways. I know it seems like I’m blindly believing but trusting is not one of my qualities.

But not one of those sources deemed to tell you or him that she was pregnant with his child? It doesn’t add up. Smells like bullshit to me, sorry.

He’s told you this now and has moved on to the script about him not being sure if he’s happy with you etc (rewriting history) and that he still wants to be friends (so of course, he’s a thoroughly nice chap with nothing to hide) and then it will all come out. We’ll all be here for you when it does but please do be prepared for it. If you go along with his story at this point you’ll be blindsided by him when he finally confesses all. Or more likely you do some digging and he’s forced to admit it.

the baby is not a secret.

So your kids know he cheated on you.

Are you ok OP

Have you thought how unlikely it is to get someone pregnant from just one shag/night? Ah ok apparently it's 1 in 20 if a couple are young, but presumably they aren't particularly young? I still think it's more likely they had something that went on for a while. She and his mates could've lied to back him up.

He is not reliable OP, your feelings count. Take care of them, take control and block etc. xxx

If he goes on about suicide or something then tell him to see his GP. If he makes something that sounds like an immediate threat just call 999.