Do all marriages turn boring eventually?

[angelofmum]

I love DH very much, together 12yrs, in our 30's and young kids but I'm bored with him.
His sex drive dwindled after we had kids and he works in the city so is stressed/tired a lot. I'm on my own a fair bit with the kids as a SAHM and lockdown has re-inforced my boredom. I feel restless and desperate for some excitement from the opposite sex.
I've lost all my baby weight after DC2, which was hard work and I'm feeling good in myself for the first time in years. DH knows there is an issue with his sex drive but I'm not seeing him try very hard to a) figure out why b) what he can do to work on it/how I can help support him. I want someone to notice me and I'm missing that spark and sexual attraction you get when you meet someone you like.
I have an intense crush on a guy I know that gets stronger when my relationship isn't great. Not looking to have an affair but I feel stuck as I can't change DH, he has to want to put the effort in to making our relationship better from his side (I feel like I put the effort in from mine). Reading posts on this forum and listening to friends I'm wondering if most relationships die a death at some stage and if they ever come back to life?

Hmm, to be honest the best thing I find for runaway libido is sexual fantasy. I have three or four favourites that I replay on a fairly regular basis.

As long as it stays in the realm of fantasy then it doesn’t matter. Apparently even affairs get boring if they go on too long. That’s why people who commit adultery often do it with more than one person...

Fantasy does help doesn't it?!
Hot crush is married, and I'm trying not to think about him. Out of sight out of mind I'm hoping😄
DH probably has been feeling low through lockdown. He mentioned getting his testosterone levels checked as that can be an issue for men when their sex drive has dwindled.
I think with marriage in general both sides have to continually make some sort of effort to keep things fresh, especially when you have young DC's. They are definitely a passion killer😂

The grass is often never greener on the other side.
Spend time nurturing your own patch.

Marriages do have there ups & downs OP, and are often detrimentally affected by small children. Hopefully things should improve somewhat in the future - if you can get through the now.

It is all about hard work though and has to come from both sides. It might sound unromantic but having a day or days per week that you both commit to spending the evening together and having sex - however tired - can kickstart the relationship. Perhaps start with once a week to begin with and see how that goes.

Great advice and I agree with you both. The grass often isn't greener, you only have to read through other posts on here of people having affairs etc.. to see the damage it causes. That's why I'm invested in making things work with DH as I do love him and this is just a bad patch we're going through.

Fantasy does help doesn't it?!
Hot crush is married, and I'm trying not to think about him. Out of sight out of mind I'm hoping😄

So would you be cool op if your husband developed a crush on someone and fantasised about them? I'm thinking you wouldn't.

Have you actually spoken to him about how he is feeling? Not about sex but about his life in general? Is he worried about his job, stressed, worried about supporting the family, is he happy?

@Hearhoovesthinkzebras I'm pretty sure even nun's and priest's have impure thoughts. I don't feel bad for having a harmless crush and I'm pretty sure DH must've found women attractive over the years.
We've talked at length as I said in an earlier post.

Aside from sex, is there fun in your relationship? Do you enjoy his company, do you laugh, dance or muck around together?

Those are the things that keep a relationship special I think. Otherwise, yes, it would be boring, even with a sex life.

[quote angelofmum]@Hearhoovesthinkzebras I'm pretty sure even nun's and priest's have impure thoughts. I don't feel bad for having a harmless crush and I'm pretty sure DH must've found women attractive over the years.
We've talked at length as I said in an earlier post. [/quote]
Personally I think there's a big difference between fantasising about an imaginary person, even an actor or pop star, someone unobtainable and crushing on a real life friend or acquaintance and using that relationship to boost your ego.

Not wanting to have sex is a symptom of something.

I’m reading Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski, it’s a book about sexual arousal, desire and pleasure mostly written from a feminist point of view. The anecdotes include a couple where the woman has a higher desire then her partner. Some really interesting insights. Contexts are big in our desire for sexual connection. His exhaustion and overwhelm are likely putting on his brakes, whilst for you your sexual desires are being unmet, which may also be increasing his feelings of being inadequate and adding to his brakes. Such an interesting read.

Oh god let me tell you my experience, I’m going to be honest.

Married same amount of time as you. It was all work, kids, dinners, groceries day in day out. Dwindling sex life cause it’s mundane, boring.

Got a massive crush at work and it was reciprocated. Married man. He also had kids.
This man consumed my mind. The more attracted to him I got, the more I felt less for my husband. All my energy, emotions were going into him. He reciprocated the attention back and my head literally decided right well my marriage is over. I’m meant to be with this guy. Oh it’s shit but oh well I’m going with this.
I had an emotional affair with this man I fell head over heels for this man and I told my husband about it and told him I was leaving him.
Guess what...other man was just using me for an ego boost. He rejected me one day when I made a pass at him. The pain I caused myself and my family I can’t stress to you. This man got into my head. My heart got broken. My husbands heart got broken.
We have worked hard at our relationship and I live with regret and I also regret doing this to myself and losing my self respect and morals.
Please see sense and stop this before you get where I got. I’m still hurt over this.
This man knows your into him, he’s loving the attention. He doesn’t wanna sweep you off your feet and be your knight in shining armour, he isn’t the missing piece in your life...you are.
If you are bored you need to start doing something about it, and your husband needs to see a dr about the sex drive, give him the ultimatum. Be honest that you mite be driven to having an affair and your worried.

Please, listen to me.
I wouldn’t wish the pain I went through or what I put on my family on anyone. I wish my head had been dragged out the clouds.
Loyalty, honesty, marriage means way more than a bit of stuff telling you that your attractive. Way more.

@Natureotter thank you I appreciate your honesty and for sharing your experience. I do think this guy knows I like him and he is probably enjoying the ego boost. I completely agree about putting all my energies/efforts into DH and looking at ways to make my life more fulfilling. I hope you got to sort things out with your DH and things are a lot better now.

@angelofmum I wish you lots of happiness. I hope you start to feel better about your marriage soon. I guess all marriages go through rough phases.
You seem very self aware and I think you can get past this. Your Dh plays a big part in how your feeling, he needs to be putting effort and energy into it to, perhaps if you had more attention on you then you wouldn’t have felt like this for someone else.

You deserve to be happy too. Down the line if nothing changes, you know what to do. X

I’ve been married 25 years and so have older children. We’ve had s*x 3 or 4 times this year, and to be honest I don’t really want it with him anymore, I’d had a few drinks and was feeling jiggy !
I don’t love him. He irritates me, I hate his snoring. He says the same old crappy jokes.
I would just say to you that, if things don’t improve, do you want to stay ?
Don’t wake up in 20 years time and wish you’d gone earlier.
Don’t waste your good years with a guy who promises to sort himself out but never does.

Lockdown etc has made all aspects of life more boring, including marriage. But it won't be forever, at some life will return to normal. I'd look at the bigger picture with your husband - do you still like and respect each other? Do you make each other laugh? Is DH a good father? Does he provide for the kids? If so, there's probably a foundation to work on.

Some great replies.

My marriage is definitely not boring! Yes we are middle-aged and bedtime tends to be earlier and bones creakier but my husband is my best friend, confidante, rock. We laugh, we cuddle, we support and we show we find each other attractive.