Do all marriages turn boring eventually?

[angelofmum]

I love DH very much, together 12yrs, in our 30's and young kids but I'm bored with him.
His sex drive dwindled after we had kids and he works in the city so is stressed/tired a lot. I'm on my own a fair bit with the kids as a SAHM and lockdown has re-inforced my boredom. I feel restless and desperate for some excitement from the opposite sex.
I've lost all my baby weight after DC2, which was hard work and I'm feeling good in myself for the first time in years. DH knows there is an issue with his sex drive but I'm not seeing him try very hard to a) figure out why b) what he can do to work on it/how I can help support him. I want someone to notice me and I'm missing that spark and sexual attraction you get when you meet someone you like.
I have an intense crush on a guy I know that gets stronger when my relationship isn't great. Not looking to have an affair but I feel stuck as I can't change DH, he has to want to put the effort in to making our relationship better from his side (I feel like I put the effort in from mine). Reading posts on this forum and listening to friends I'm wondering if most relationships die a death at some stage and if they ever come back to life?

OP, have you considered returning to work? The bit about being sick of mixing with women/mothers and the same old chat all the time makes me think you might be missing some intellectual stimulation. Being a SAHM isn't for everyone.

I think it depends on your threshold for boring. If you are one of these people who approaches a relationship with the mentality of an adrenaline junkie, wanting to be dazzled by the pace and thrill of the romance till the end of time, then yes, boredom is inevitable.

Even with lower expectations, it will make an intrusion occasionally in the best of relationships. I'm not sure, with two young children in the middle of a pandemic with a stressed out DH, it's a good time to throw your relationship under the microscope.

"OP, have you considered returning to work? The bit about being sick of mixing with women/mothers and the same old chat all the time makes me think you might be missing some intellectual stimulation. Being a SAHM isn't for everyone."

This. I love my DCs very much but I couldn't have been a SAHM. Equally, I have friends for whom being a SAHM is practically a vocation. It sounds like you might benefit from returning to (paid) work (since being a SAHM is huge work, just unsalaried) if only part-time.

I'm a teacher and most School's I've worked at are full of women. Nothing wrong with that, but when you add in my own kids School run into the mix and I have two daughters, I'm spending all day surrounded by girls/women. It would be nice to mix it up a bit. I have looked into doing supply work, which would offer some variety.
I agree being bored with life is your own issue - you can't expect your partner to entertain you 24/7. Being bored in a marriage because one partner isn't making much effort is a different story. I'm not looking for adrenaline highs all the time or thrills, just a bit of excitement every now and again. Reading some of your replies though it seems I'm one of the only ones who feels that way😂

A few thoughts:

How old are your kids? If they are now in school and nursery, maybe you’re getting more free time than your DH is, and so he’s more tired than you are? If that’s the case, think about how you can give him more time off.

If you genuinely want to improve your marriage and stay married long term, stop having any contact with your crush.

Sounds like you are bored with life in general. There are other ways to perk up your life apart from sex (work, hobbies, more social life etc). Try those first and see what happens.

You said in your op that your husband is stressed and works in the city. How does he actually feel about life? He may see you at home whilst he has all the pressure of being the sole earner. That's a lot on his shoulders, especially at the moment with Covid and all the stress that's bringing. Maybe he's just shattered when he gets home.

Your posts are very much about you, what you want, how you feel. Does he actually think that you care about him, and I'm not just taking about wanting sex and affection from him.

Also, no women I know spend all their time taking about their kids and are happy to move the conversation onto other topics.

From what I've heard from so many people I'd say it's the norm

Today's hot fling is tomorrow's pipe and slippers

@thistimelastweek so true! I'll remember that one😂

Annoyingly hobbies I'm into are always female orientated

What's the issue with that, op?

^^If you are doing the hobby to have fun and because you enjoy it, why does it matter that it's female orientated? Or are you looking for a hobby where you can meet men?

Exactly the same thing I was thinking.

When our DC's were very young(we were also in our 30's), our marriage was a tad dull. Basically going through the motions. I worried we were starting to become just friends. I was a SAHM too and spent all my time and energy on the kids. Fast forward a few years, DCs are now teen/preteen and we have more chance to spend time on each other. Still have no other childcare but I can honestly say that since the children are no longer all consuming, we have fallen madly in love again. I don't think it ever really went away, we were just too tired/in a rut to realise it. Sex life the best it's ever been (22nd wedding anniversary this year), we both agree we are more crazy about each other than ever. Don't give up hope, life is hard at your stage in a relationship with a young family x

@wishingitwasfriday if you'd had read my previous replies, I very much ensure that DH is happy and I like to think we communicate about any issues. Obviously I'm going to be talking about things from my point of view as I'm the one that posted looking for advice. As the old saying goes you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink🤷‍♀️

@HumphreyGoodmanswife thank you! It's great to hear some positive feedback and to know that you and your DH discovered each other again💞

OP could he be depressed?

Lack of sex seems to be the underlying issue here. It's unusual for a man in his 30s to lose his libido completely. Men generally have a physical need to ejaculate and if they don't they will have sexualised dreams and cough damp sheets. TMI perhaps but that is the biology of it. If your DH does not feel this urge then you need to find out why - the fact that he is not engaging with it is worrying, he is missing out on a great deal of pleasure (and so are you) and he should be concerned both for himself and for your feelings.

My DW and I made a deal years ago when our DC were young that we should not go more than a week without and we've pretty much kept to that - one of the best decisions we ever made I think. It's easy for sex to drop off the agenda with small DC. It needs to be prioritised and discussed just like other aspects of your relationship. A relationship is founded on the understanding that sexual satisfaction will be provided in mutually acceptable ways, if that ceases then the relationship is under threat.

@angelofmum I don't believe no one else goes through this. In RL lots of my friends have experienced similar. It's easy to take each other for granted when you're so comfortable together x

I’m in a similar but slightly different position.
Not lack of sex drive from DH but lack of excitement and lack of chat/talking/emotional support/shared interests.

I fulfil those needs by friendships, female friends and also male friends at work where there is a nice level of banter/mild flirtation which makes me feel attractive.
Slightly controversial but works for me.
I have tried talking to dh about not being shoot but he would not come to counselling.
I was considering looking into leaving lockdown but currently I’m feeling that I’m ok to carry on and keep the family together, but I do need to go outside the marriage for certain things (but would never cheat)

I resonate with OP and others .

Me and my partner live mainly as friends, I do love him but I don't feel in love with him in a lust sort of way. I blame having a toddler and always feeling exhausted but I think it's more we don't have that spark and I do miss feeling excitement.
I am currently a SAHM and usually would fill a bit more of my time with friends and meals out but lockdown has highlighted that I have quite a boring life with my partner , we didn't do much as couple before and life is focused around our toddler and as much as I do love family time I do miss the banter from the opposite sex. If I'm honest my partner and I don't have an amazing relationship and I find his personality a bit of a drain, he just doesn't actually have a lot to say and I do feel like with women sex is very emotional so if he isn't doing it for me emotionally it leads me not being there for him and the gap gets wider. We both dote on our LO and I wonder sometimes if we would be together if it wasn't for him. Before we had our child our relationship was turbulent and I did have flirty banter in the office, I sometimes wonder if I should go back to work for more of a 'social' life but also would feel bad enjoying work drinks and having a laugh with opposite sex. So basically it's a bit of a meh situation where I'm not completely happy as in have fun but I'll stay for sake of a happy family life and because I know the grass isn't always greener.

I find all relationships boring after about 3 years. In would prefer relationships to be like PCP deals on cars. Trade in every 3 years.

would prefer relationships to be like PCP deals on cars. Trade in every 3 years.

😂😂

I don’t find actual
relationships boring after 3 years- but in the 3 long term relationships I’ve had (2 marriages and one live in) I’ve gone off sex hugely after 3 to 4 years to be honest.

It’s a similar concept Tara. When you first drive that car off the forecourt it’s like “how good is this, radio in full blast, air con working properly, that lovely smell you get with a new car, immaculately turned out. 4 years later there are crumbs everywhere, the smell has gone, the air con has run out of gas and it’s all a bit Meh. Very similar to sex for the 200th time with the same person!

I accept that there are exceptions to this rule and that a 20 year old Mazda MX5 can still give you a thrill or two with the roof down but they are few and far between!

Yes, it gets boring. 33 years boring

I think relationships are like a brilliant song, when you first hear it you race to the dance floor because you just have to dance, after a while you still love the song but stay sat in your chair tapping your foot at the most, it’s a great song but does not make you leap out of your chair anymore.

Does this hot crush happen to be married?