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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Please help me make sense of this, is it me or him? (LONG)

42 replies

Longdale · 26/09/2007 21:54

Just got back from a week in the Med with DP and the kids.

From the start DP constantly moaned at the kids. "Do this, do that, don't do that, stop doing that" etc etc and it was getting tiring quite quickly.

It was their first time abroad and on the first night they played up, wouldn't go to sleep and kept shouting silly comments at us. DP then turned around to me and said "that's it, i'm spending nothing on them tomorow...you can if you want but they wont be getting anything off me."

I thought this was a bit of an over-reaction but they're not his kids so fair enough.

Next day, he went off at my 8 year old and started getting at me telling to me tell him off...what was he doing? singing. He had an ipod on and was singing in the car. DP turned the radio right up and then said to me "will you tell him!" so I said "he's only singing" so he said "I cant be doing with his whiney voice, I wouldn't mind if he could sing but he's tone deaf" he's 8! so we ended up having a row about that.

This kind of thing went on all week, another example was when they started being silly during dinner and DP started kicking off saying they were embarrasing when everyone around us (including other guests and staff) were laughing WITH the kids.

The final straw came on Monday night. We had driven into town to go bowling. I told the kids that we were going on a suprise so they were all excited. Anyway during the trip my 6 year old asked DP if they could have a play fight later. DP snapped "NO". So DS got a bit cheeky and said "well we're having one anyway". DP then involves himself in a big argument with my 6 year old and finishes it with "I said no, I mean no, If I say no, I mean no, not yes, it means no, no means no" and he went on like that for ages. DS2 burst out laughing, DS1 burst out laughing and it did sound bloody funny so I burst out laughing. DP then said "that's it, had enough, we're going back to the hotel".

He then drove us all back to the hotel, kids upset and asking what the suprise was and then when we got to the hotel I let rip and told him that he'd spoilt the holiday by being a miserable bastard and he said he didnt care. My 6 year old then said "wish you never came with us" and DP replied "I wish I hadnt too you little git" .

Anyway, to try and cut a long story short, DP went off on his own that night with the car and left us stranded in hotel. My attempts to talk to him when he got back fell flat when he said he wasn't interested. Next day we'd pre-booked a cruise. He ignored me before it started, I again attempted to talk to him only for him to say there was nothing to talk about. All day long on the cruise he ignored me. That night (which was the final night of our holiday) he went off with the car and left me and the kids in the hotel on our own.

I warned him that if he didnt talk to me whilst we were there, it was over. He said he didn't care and wanted it to be over. I said fair enough but I knew full well that as soon as we got home he'd start pleading forgiveness and feel sorry for himself.

Needless to say, it's started. He's texting me saying he's sorry and wants to talk etc.

Please advise. Do I just get rid or allow him to talk to me now that he's ready? Did I over-react in the first place?

OP posts:
LordVenger · 26/09/2007 22:07

Knackers to all that, darling. Although people say holidays can be stressful, really, if you can't have a good time on holiday and resolve small problems like a singng child, what hope have you got when something genuinely awful/life affecting happens? You're just carting four people's misery around at the moment (his, yr kids, yr own.) That's no good. Time for the old dumperoo.

hls · 26/09/2007 22:15

You haven't got 2 children in your life- you have 3!!

This "man" is so immature he should be in his pram- then he could throw his toys out .

This man is not ready for an adult relationship with anyone who already has children. He is selfish, immature and a bad example to your children, and I feel incredibly sorry for them that they had to witness such foul- mouthed, childish outburts.

Just dump him- you don't need people like this in your life- and wait for someone who is adult enough tocope with another person's children. He doesn't even come anywhere near that.

WinkyWinkola · 26/09/2007 22:23

Has he got kids of his own? He doesn't seem to understand how to handle kids and doesn't seem willing to learn from you or take your advice.

It would seem he's not right for you or your kids. He sounds like a bit of a dick really. I'd get rid.. .. . .. will you really miss him? Your children won't!

paisley · 26/09/2007 22:23

No way have you over-reacted he acted like he didn't want to be there and spoilt what should have be a fun time for you all.

When you have children you can't go on holiday and do the things you can when you haven't...relax, have peace and quiet etc.

The fact that he left you all in the hotel says to me he's selfish and hasn't grown up himself, i feel awful for you that you have had to put up with this esp as it was the kids 1st time abroad.

He sounds exactly like my DP, who is brilliant in so many ways, but just hasn't got the patience you have to have with children, this often results in tension, rows,bad feeling and hurtful comments...only to be followed by loads of apologies. He has absolutely no control over himself when stressed and it's a big issue for us at the moment.

Is life at home like this for you too or only when you went on holiday? What's he usually like with your kids?

policywonk · 26/09/2007 22:25

LOL at LordVenger

He is a cockmonkey. Get rid.

Mum07 · 26/09/2007 22:26

This isn't a very popular opinion I know but I really think holidays are over-rated and can actually just distill what's going on at home except somewhere unfamiliar, sometimes uncomfortable and where you're under pressure to enjoy yourself so I don't think the 'if you can't be a nice person on holiday' idea really holds much water... BUT he's supposed to be a grown-up and he really should have held it together in front of the kids to try and make sure they did have a nice time.

I grew up with a 'step-father' who couldn't help himself but make a bloody big fuss when he didn't get his way and didn't care if we saw/heard him rowing with my Mum, something she tried so hard to keep from us - it was heart-breaking. Don't let your kids' hearts break. Even if they're laughing at him they know he's not good enough for you. You know he's not good enough for you, he needs to grow up but you have too much to lose to let him do it in your home.

Freckle · 26/09/2007 22:28

Read back what you've written. If someone else had written that asking for advice, what would you tell them?

What does he bring to your life? It sounds as though it's not the first time he's thrown a paddy and then pleaded to come back. If you take him back now, you'll probably be looking at this occurring again and again, because he can't handle life with children.

LucyJones · 26/09/2007 22:28

I take it he's not their dad?
Would definitely advicse dumping him,how old is he/you?

InMyHumbleOpinion · 26/09/2007 22:29

get rid.

InMyHumbleOpinion · 26/09/2007 22:30

Come on sweetie you don't need a cocklodger, and you could probably get a better one even if you did want one.

ConnorTraceptive · 26/09/2007 22:31

Sorry but I'd get rid of him tbh. I'd be crushed to see my kids excitement and enthusiam squashed some miserable prat.

Do you really want to be with someone who is happy to be so self centred and not care that he's ruining everyone's holiday.

What a bell end

Frizbe · 26/09/2007 22:31

ditch him!

InMyHumbleOpinion · 26/09/2007 22:33

If he doesn't care how unhappy he makes their holiday, he doesn't care how unhappy he is making their life.

madamez · 26/09/2007 22:33

WHat, exactly are his good points? Even if he's a good shag, there are probably better ones out there, and even if he's loaded it doesn't make much difference if he's mean with money.
Bin him and only let another one move in if he shows real merit and is nice to the DCs.

Longdale · 26/09/2007 22:38

His good points...well he's generous, always buys us things, bought my son an electric guitar (but then theatened to take it back when he was naughty), he takes us out...paid most of the money towards the holiday...

Personality wise though he is moangy, he's always snapping at me and the kids and he's very childish.

OP posts:
Elasticbandstand · 26/09/2007 22:40

what's he normally like?

policywonk · 26/09/2007 22:42

He's not generous. Generous people give without strings attached. He has a lot of money, and he's trying to use it to control you and your DCs. That is not a good point.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/09/2007 08:00

ongdale

You've posted about him before haven't you?. Apologies if you have not but many of the details re him seem very familiar.

Thought you were going to split up with the idiot anyway after you came back off holiday.

If you want to put up with a man who calls your 6 year old son a "little git" then you're just as complicit as he is.

Why can you not break away from him for good?. What svengali type hold exactly does he have over you?.

You'll never leave him though will you; thus condemning your children to a life of misery so long as he's around.

Baffy · 27/09/2007 08:04

He wasn't man enough to say sorry and resolve the issues while you were on holiday - therefore he ruined the family holiday for all of you.

Now it suits him he decides to apoligise...?

Too late I think! Kids are just that, kids - and he sounds like the biggest child out of everyone.

I would talk to him. In your own time (make him wait). But I'm afraid he'd have to come up with some pretty good reasons for me to even consider letting him back into my children's life. It sounds like he makes you all miserable.

hls · 27/09/2007 08:19

On a less emotional note, I think you have to also accept that taking on other people's children is never going to be easy for some men. My brother is single and looking, but he is adamant that he does not want a relationship with a woman with children..he just doesn't want that responsibility in his 40s as he has never had it before.

I'd love to know how old you both are- I guess he's early 20s?

It does take a very generous-heatred man and a flexible one to be a good step-parent- and quite frankly, this man hasn't got it.

I don't know why you even need to ask for advice- it is so blindingly obvious that he is so immature, treats you and the children like dirt- what on earth do you see in him? Surely you are not so desperate or have such low self-esteem that you think he's the best you can get?

Have abit more pride and expect more for yourself- and don't put up with blokes like this.

JodieG1 · 27/09/2007 08:23

No you didn't over react and I think you're better off without him.

warthog · 27/09/2007 08:30

lifesteeth, you went away on hols and it was a disaster, like we all said it would be (including you). we said you shouldn't go, you should break up with him months ago.

why why why????????????

all i can hope is that since you have no more commitments with him, you can finally ditch him.

bubblagirl · 27/09/2007 08:36

i think you sound better off on your own the holiday i think wass a test to see how you would cope and it appears the kids were more of a hindrence to him than a joy to be with so if he cant respect your children then you dont need him he probably doesw love you but you need someone who will get on with the kids also

stamnd your ground and tell him your not so bothered about your holiday being ruined but he should have kept anything personal away from kids your more bothered of the fact he didn't seem to want them there so you cant possibly be in a reltionship with him

and for leaving you on your own 2 nights running selfish he could have made effort to get on for kids sake so i know it maybe hard but that was probably what you needed to realise he isn't right for you or kids even if you do get on normally you should be able to holiday with each other and enjoy it let him go and enjoy the kids the right man will come along

or at least have a good break from him as he may come to his senses but any signs of selfishness agin you'll know its not meant to be

dizietsma · 27/09/2007 09:04

What a selfish, nasty asshat! I don't know about you, but if anyone talked to my DD like your partner talked to your DS's there'd be no going back. Out the door, end of story. Thing is, if you take him back it'll only get worse. F*ck the money, if he makes you and your kids miserable with his tantrums what good is money anyway? From the sounds of things he's the sort who'll only give until he gets what he wants, then I think you'll find the generosity starts to peter out.

You and your DS's deserve much better than this loser, dump him and move on.

themildmanneredjanitor · 27/09/2007 09:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.