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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Please help me make sense of this, is it me or him? (LONG)

42 replies

Longdale · 26/09/2007 21:54

Just got back from a week in the Med with DP and the kids.

From the start DP constantly moaned at the kids. "Do this, do that, don't do that, stop doing that" etc etc and it was getting tiring quite quickly.

It was their first time abroad and on the first night they played up, wouldn't go to sleep and kept shouting silly comments at us. DP then turned around to me and said "that's it, i'm spending nothing on them tomorow...you can if you want but they wont be getting anything off me."

I thought this was a bit of an over-reaction but they're not his kids so fair enough.

Next day, he went off at my 8 year old and started getting at me telling to me tell him off...what was he doing? singing. He had an ipod on and was singing in the car. DP turned the radio right up and then said to me "will you tell him!" so I said "he's only singing" so he said "I cant be doing with his whiney voice, I wouldn't mind if he could sing but he's tone deaf" he's 8! so we ended up having a row about that.

This kind of thing went on all week, another example was when they started being silly during dinner and DP started kicking off saying they were embarrasing when everyone around us (including other guests and staff) were laughing WITH the kids.

The final straw came on Monday night. We had driven into town to go bowling. I told the kids that we were going on a suprise so they were all excited. Anyway during the trip my 6 year old asked DP if they could have a play fight later. DP snapped "NO". So DS got a bit cheeky and said "well we're having one anyway". DP then involves himself in a big argument with my 6 year old and finishes it with "I said no, I mean no, If I say no, I mean no, not yes, it means no, no means no" and he went on like that for ages. DS2 burst out laughing, DS1 burst out laughing and it did sound bloody funny so I burst out laughing. DP then said "that's it, had enough, we're going back to the hotel".

He then drove us all back to the hotel, kids upset and asking what the suprise was and then when we got to the hotel I let rip and told him that he'd spoilt the holiday by being a miserable bastard and he said he didnt care. My 6 year old then said "wish you never came with us" and DP replied "I wish I hadnt too you little git" .

Anyway, to try and cut a long story short, DP went off on his own that night with the car and left us stranded in hotel. My attempts to talk to him when he got back fell flat when he said he wasn't interested. Next day we'd pre-booked a cruise. He ignored me before it started, I again attempted to talk to him only for him to say there was nothing to talk about. All day long on the cruise he ignored me. That night (which was the final night of our holiday) he went off with the car and left me and the kids in the hotel on our own.

I warned him that if he didnt talk to me whilst we were there, it was over. He said he didn't care and wanted it to be over. I said fair enough but I knew full well that as soon as we got home he'd start pleading forgiveness and feel sorry for himself.

Needless to say, it's started. He's texting me saying he's sorry and wants to talk etc.

Please advise. Do I just get rid or allow him to talk to me now that he's ready? Did I over-react in the first place?

OP posts:
arfishy · 27/09/2007 11:38

You absolutely have not over-reacted. He's ruined the holiday for your and your DC. I'm amazed you're even considering talking to him to be honest.

He doesn't seem adult enough to be able to cope with children, and I think your DC deserve better.

What is he exactly bringing into your lives? How is he making it better? It seems to me that he's making it worse. Why bother? You and your children can do so much better.

maisemor · 27/09/2007 12:49

You are both to blame for letting him ruin this holiday.

He is the actual bully, but you are letting him bully you and your children.

Stand up for your children and yourself. You are strong enough. You and your childrens lives will not end just because he is not with you.

MaryBleedinPoppins · 27/09/2007 13:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Longdale · 27/09/2007 13:14

Thanks for all the replies.

A little update...

I told him I didnt want to talk to him and that his behaviour was unnaceptable. Last night when we first got home he took me to fetch my snake from boarding and whilst I went into the pet shop I told my DS's to wait in the car. He then turned around and said he didn't want them in the car with him, I asked why and he said "I just don't" but in a really cocky manner with a shrug of the shoulders.

So anyway, last night when he went back to his house I agreed to hear him out for 5 minutes thinking he would spend the time apologising and instead he said he regretted some of his behaviour but me and the kids were to blame for most of it! He apparantly "cant remember" saying that he didn't care, he "cant remember" me trying to talk to him on the beach whilst the kids were playing...he didn't want to talk to me on holiday because he was scared he would get emotional in front of the kids and they would take the mick.

He then went on to say that he goes on at the kids all the time because they get away with more than his own parents would have allowed. I explained that I am not his parents and I do things differently and he started going on about how when he tells them to do something they dont, when he tells them to stop they carry on etc...he seems to expect nazi style children that react in a robotic, military manner.

Apart from all this its not working anyway, he's never here at important times, wont be here for the annual fair, wont be here for new years eve, wont be here for christmas, wont be here for bonfire night...its just pointless.

Had enough, it's over...finally!

Thanks again.

OP posts:
MaryBleedinPoppins · 27/09/2007 13:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

warthog · 27/09/2007 13:47

well done longdale. you've done the right thing.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/09/2007 13:58

Hoo bloody ray!!.

Well done you for getting rid of this idiot who dragged you all down with him.

And if you waiver just remember him calling your six year old son a little git.

Tanee58 · 27/09/2007 14:38

How old IS he? He sounds like he should be put on the naughty step and left there!

Well done for standing your ground. He would never have made you & your dcs happy. He sounds like he loves nobody but himself.

InMyHumbleOpinion · 27/09/2007 16:04

well done, you are a very strong women, Longdale.

bubblagirl · 27/09/2007 16:37

well i'm sorry if your hurting but i really do think you have made right decision there is a right man for all of us which we will not find trying to change some one who is clearly not right so now you have made the right choice enjoy being with your kids and the right man will come along good luck

Longdale · 27/09/2007 16:39

Thanks

The more I think about it, the more he annoys me.

In the airport after landing he hired a car, it was originally arranged that he would drive us all back to my house and he had the decency to stick to that arrangement rather than leaving us stranded but he did tell my DS's that if he had his way he would have left us at the airport

Another thing...One night during the holiday I needed to go across the road to the shop. I asked DS1 to stay in the hotel room with DP and I would take DS2 with me. So I went across to shop...10 minutes later I return to find DP sat in the reception, I asked where DS1 was and he replied "In the room, he started playing up seconds after you left so I came down here, I can't be doing with it." our room was 2 floors up with open patio doors onto a balcony and he left my 8 year old son there alone as soon as I left.

OP posts:
bubblagirl · 27/09/2007 16:47

i think in your own mind you know his not the kind of person yopu want around your kids although i know it still hurts but just remind yourself that he will never accept your children when out there somewhere is aman who will love your children as much as you do so you dont need to be wasting your time on him

at the end of the day its his loss but at the same time we all need to bein certain situations to teach us a lesson in life and let this be his lesson and when you find someone who appreciates you you'll be thank ful that you had this lesson too as you will soon see difference if it will work early on or not to how this new man deals with your children

i really hope you are ok thoughxx

fawkeoff · 27/09/2007 17:02

you know that you have dont the right thing...he sounds so bloody juvenile anyway.all the money in the world would not make me want to be with a complete todge bag like him.

Tanee58 · 27/09/2007 17:03

Longdale, I rarely say this - I try to be understanding as everyone has their merits but -

He is an arse. You are better off without him.

blousy · 27/09/2007 17:08

So pleased you've seen sense Longdale. I saw this last night and resisted the urge to reply as I couldn't think of anything good or constructive to say. He sounds like a selfish, immature git and I for one would hate someone like him to have any influence on my dc's lives. Good luck and stick to your guns!!

Amethyst8 · 28/09/2007 20:39

What an absolute a*se of a man. The thought of someone treating kids like that when they are all excited about being on holiday abroad just makes me want to cry my eyes out. When my and DH take our kids away DS is just so excited he can t sit still and I bet your kids were like that as well.

Ignoring you when you try to talk to him and claiming "Can t remember" is emotional abuse by the way and who the hell is he to be calling your kids names and making them scared that they will be left stranded. So glad to read your later post that you got yourself and you kids out of that situation. Know it is hard when you are used to having someone around but if you met him then you will meet someone else and at least you know what you are NOT looking for this time.

Meglet · 28/09/2007 21:05

Glad you had the strength to end it longdale. Hope you can get him out of you and your kids life pretty fast. He sounds like such an idiot.

Fingers crossed that one day soon you will find someone much better who will love you and your kids and treat all of you with respect .

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