Who gets what in this mess

[iamtheoneandonlyyy]

I've posted 8 million times but in summary I've returned from refuge with my kids.
The dad has left the property. It's rented, the landlord is happy for me to stay.
I've been facilitating contact for the kids and they are fine.
He was generally being ok but now he's realised I'm not going back all bets are off.
He's supposed to be collecting his belongings tomorrow.
He's now added to his list of things to put outside for him:
Washing machine
Fridge
Children's tv
Sofa
Rug
All chairs
Kettle
Microwave
Toaster
And you get the idea, literally everything.
I've found out since returning that he's put us into 5000 debt and hidden it from me.
I just don't know what I can do. Most of our things were bought second hand and now that I'm lone parent to 3 I can't afford to replace the entire house of things as well as pay debts accrued.
I won't be giving him anything that was a gift to the kids I just won't.
What's best to do? I'm very lost and confused, people around me are angry and I just want what's best for the children.

So how exactly does expect to wash the children's clothes, keep fresh food for them. You don't give him anything that isn't his. If you need it for the children you keep it.

My ex tried this one when I kicked him out. He wanted everything (despite most of it originally being second hand and I'd paid fully for some of it) including DS's pram! He was told by my solicitor very plainly to sod off, and that DS needs food and clean clothes. Don't give him anything unless it was only his, and only he paid for it.

Do you have support from any agencies at all?
Give Shelter and Rights of Women a call.
They may be able to help you with this.
For now, I'd ignore his request.
I think a quick text advising that you are getting legal advice is the only thing you can do for now.
I would also contact 101 and log this with them.
Get put on their priority list so they come out quickly if you dial 999.
Ask for the DV team when you call them.
The Police should help you. They may be able to be there when he comes round. But pack up his stuff and get it put outside.
If he starts banging on the door call 999.

I did say I wasn't going to leave the kids with no way of washing clothes etc.
The sofa is quite new and he paid for it so I understand him having that back
I do wonder if it's partly just to stress me and he's no intention of taking a lot of it
It's escalated horribly. He blocks me on his phone then unblocks you send a nasty message the blocks me again.
He's been close to hostile when I bring the kids or pick them up
He's asked to go through his mum as the sight of me now makes his skin crawl and I'm dead to him. And so on.
I'm putting a decent face on it but it's wearing me down. Just like he wants I suppose

Thanks I will look at rights of women,
The police are aware of things as it is although he fiends know that.
I don't fear him physically doing anything it's all big mouth but I just want to be sure I don't break the law keeping household things

Get some advice on this as suggested above.
Leave his personal belongings outside the front door.
Do not answer the door if he starts banging on it. Call the police if necessary, if he becomes threatening for example.
There's no way I'd be giving him any of those things which are needed for your children's health and well-being.
All chairs and the sofa? He's just taking the piss. Do not give in to him.

Only give him his personal belongings and if he wants anything else he can take you to small claims

I'd give him the little things that I could carry like the kettle Ac nd the toaster. Just say you can't lift the sofa or disconnect the washing machine and carry it outside and that they need to stay there for the kids anyway

Reply to his message saying you have an agreement that he can come to the house to collect specified things. The additional items are not part of the agreement and won’t be available for collection. Due to his past behaviour you feel threatened and intimidated by his demands.

On that basis you will be contacting the police to ask that they attend to ensure he doesn’t take any items not originally agreed. If the police are not able to attend then you cannot agree to his presence in your home. Sign off by saying you will be in touch to confirm whether he can collect the agreed items.

Speak to the people listed above.

Absolutely only give him his own items!! The rest he can take you to court over (which I doubt he will!!) xx

You say you've returned from refuge - do you have any support maybe a resettlement worker or similar? He is still abusing you and using the separation to exert control. Your local domestic abuse service will be able to offer advice and support or call the national domestic abuse helpline - 0808 2000 247 - they will be able to point you in the right direction for specialist support. Take care and stay strong

Thanks everyone I'm a bit calmer. It's ridiculous but I'm still feeling guilty about the whole thing 🙄
I tried very hard to keep it amicable

He's being a dick. Is the debt in joint names? Are you claiming CMS from him ? 2 can play the blocking game, just block him.

One person can not keep this amicable if the other chooses not to.
So don’t be amicable. Just do what’s in the beat interests of you and your DC.

Debt is in both names but was hidden from me.
Nope not receiving any money but he's not working so I don't anticipate that changing soon.
It's only been a couple of weeks so it's all raw

I'd take advice. Bag up his belongings and leave outside. Keep the door locked and call the police if he gets nasty.

With regard to your debt, how is it in both names? Could you challenge that you never agreed to it?

He paid for the sofa while running up debts in your name, that you had no knowledge of, that you now need to pay off.

I’d be keeping the sofa.

I was told on the past by the police that I give him what I am happy to, and he takes me to small claims court for anything else he wants x

It's partly council tax. I was told it was being paid and never saw any letters. I've called them and found out the truth now.
It's all a mess but I'll get it sorted.
I agree I don't think we should all be losing our things and plunged into debt.
When I write it down I see how stupid it is

What is his Mom like op? Is she reasonable or does the sun shine out her darling boys arse?

Haha she's both. She's being very nice but both of her children have form for this now and she doesn't like to think it's their fault.

Just ignore it. Give him his clothes and anything that's his. Anything else tell him he can take you to court over it all

I tried very hard to keep it amicable
Not possible with a controlling abuser OP.
Not at all.
He will do anything to take back his control.
You need to do what ever it takes to keep yours.
He's a cunt - nothing will be amicable.
But you've come so far already.
Keep going and stay strong!

You block him.
He gets his clothes and any junk that's his, that you don't want. He can whistle for the rest. Don't engage.
Don't be his sounding board for when he fancies abusing you. In my experience, opening a new email address solely for communication over the children is what you need to do. No face to face. No phone calls. No means of direct, immediate access.

@iamtheoneandonlyyy

Haha she's both. She's being very nice but both of her children have form for this now and she doesn't like to think it's their fault.

Just as he said go through her if a "hi Mary, Dave said he's coming later. Can you let him know he won't be able to take the fridge as I need it for the kids, sane for the washing machine, kettle etc. The telly is the kids, not mine to give away and I can't afford for him to take the furniture as I'm trying to sort out the council tax debt I've just found. Obviously the priority in all of this is the kids"