Going out -do you give warning or not

[emelsie]

Just wanted to know what other people do in their relationships especially if you have children, if you wanted to go out of an evening with friends would you only go if you had planned it and let your OH know etc or if you were invited out for that night would you just tell them you were going and leave an hour or so later ?

Are both acceptable ? What if it was an evening you expected to be with your OH?

Trying to see who is being unreasonable here.

Both work here.

Both are acceptable.
We try to plan things in advance if possible but sometimes things happen spontaneously.
Last week my friend text me to see if I fancied a drink in her garden....20 mins later I was sat there with a beer!

Although, it should be give and take and it's a bit shit if one person constantly goes out at the last minute. That's not fair.

Both work here so long as the impromptu night out is not a night he's on call.

I'd give warning, I wouldn't just up and go. That's only in case there's a clash in the diary.

If someone made arrangements for that evening then I would check and be prepared to stay home. Again just in case of clashes or sometimes you have an evening when you've had a long day at work, you're knackered and the kids are playing up and you really can't face dealing with them on your own. Then I might not go and that goes for DH too.

Teamwork innit

Well our dc are too young to be left so I would need to check and so would he that one of us was in. I would say to friend that sounds fine but I'll check with dh and get back to you. And unless something was on the calendar I would/could go. He does the same though can be worse at checking the calendar and just tends to ask. It would be rude to assume someone else will mind my dc and lose some of their own free time that way. And same for him.

I’d go out spontaneously with friends but not if DH and I had plans. And I mean proper plans not just that we’d planned to eat pasta and watch crap on TV. I’d probably ask him if he was ok to look after DD solo but that’s more a politeness thing then a genuine question as he’d never say no.

Well , I would say , "I've been invited to this , I need to leave in an hour, you alright with the kids?"
It's a rhetorical question and he would say yes , but it's just the right thing to do and he would do the same to me as well.

I wouldn't just say "I'm going out". The kids are both if our responsibility and we should make sure they are covered.

If you're asking if it's unreasonable to only give an hours notice, then I would say that no , it isn't.

Life can be unpredictable and sometimes you have to go with the flow. The only way this would be unreasonable is if your partner had plans already and would have to change them, in which case it's a discussion and a decision.

Always double check to make it's ok. Their time is important too.

I think it takes 2 mins to text and say I've been invited on a night out and I'd like to go so I'll be leaving at 6, does that suit you sort of thing.

We always let each other know in advance, even if it's only an hour or two.

Both acceptable here, kids are teens and pretty easy. I wouldn’t cancel plans with DH.

If one person was always the one up and leaving then I can see how the other person would get pissed off.

Dh and I agreed (when I was expecting dc1) that if someone has something to book into the calendar, the other parent is assumed to then be "on duty". So a first come first served thing.

We give as much notice as possible. So I have in the past said "going out X date next month, you've not got plans then right?" But I've also rung from work and said "just checking you don't have anything booked in tonight as I'm going to the pub on the way home"

We would then remind one another a couple of days out of the actual date.

We also agreed that if adult2 had something come up on the night that adult1 was already booked to go out, adult2 sorts the childcare.

What if you both wanted to go with no notice though? How often would that work? We give notice but there aren’t any rules apt anything and we’d both bend over backwards to try and make sure the other goes it when they want. The problem when you have small kids is that someone has to be responsible for them so it isn’t just about your right to go out, it’s also about sharing the load of that responsibility fairly.

I say 'I've been invited out on Thursday, will you play taxi for me?'
Or 'im nipping to Xxxs see you in a while'

We don't have anyone home who needs minding, but I would still just check in, rather than just disappearing.

Only one time in a million but it still

What if you both wanted to go with no notice though?

How often does that actually happen though? You both get a phonecall or a text at the same time to ask you each, individually, out?

Both are acceptable within reason. When the kids were small generally I would plan as my friends also had small kids, on occasion I would check he was around at short notice (he worked late so I would need to ensure he left promptly) he would do the same.

@Raella50

In 20 years together, we never had a sudden clash. Planned events with a clash eg Christmas time I arranged a sitter

I would let them know of the plan fairly early- or at least a few days/week before. Just b/c if it's a decent person there's no reason why you would have to keep it from them.

It's manners too I suppose.

With kids I definitely think someone should give as much time as possible if your OH will have to look after them on their own while you're out.

Thanks for all the input . I think I probably am being a bit unreasonable, OH is off to a (socially distant) barbecue at his friends , I look forward to his couple of days off all week, our youngest is one and I like to catch up on housework in those couple of days he is there to do some of the childcare , shower in peace , do anything in peace and I look forward to the adult company.

He just told me he was going and I had a bit of a rant , mostly just disappointment I suppose , he does hardly ever go out so I should probably just suck it up a bit.

What if you both wanted to go with no notice though?

Not happened ever in 5 years

Has he been out much since lockdown started? Can't imagine so.

You've had a good few months of him being either at work or at home.

We don't have small children at home and I don't even nip out to the grocery store without at least sending my DH a text - not because I need or want permission, just common courtesy to my life partner. If a friend asked me out to dinner I'd "check the schedule" to see if he was cool with that (and hadn't, for example, planned something else for us as a couple).

Now we have small DC we always check as it’s much less hard work if we’re both around. But pre DC I would have thought nothing of texting DH to say that I was stopping for a drink after work. But I’d assume it was good manners to warn him as soon as I knew.

I think he should have said " you okay with the kids" or something but otherwise just let it go. Maybe bring it up in a couple of days as a new norm for your relationship? You're both parents, so everything should be checked between you.

Imagine for example, you were the only shop assistants running a newsagents, every time you wanted to leave during the working day you would check its okay with your coworker. If you would give a coworker that respect then you should definitely give it to your other half. It's just that simple.