Dd wants nothing to do with her father and wants to forget he ever existed

[acuma]

Dd is saying she wants to forget her dad ever existed and wants nothing to do with anyone connected to him either except for siblings/step siblings.
We are awaiting a court hearing after he was physically and emotionally abusive at Christmas. There has been much emotional abuse from him and his gf over the years but court and social services have never restricted contact and have ordered that she go.
Christmas changed that and the court have ordered a full investigation. Dd has not changed her mind about seeing him (my view is that she needs keeping safe and away from him and his gf) but is now saying she doesn't want him in her life at all and wants to live as though he never was.
I am so upset that she is feeling this way due to how she's been treated and I'm not sure the relationship will ever be repaired even over time.She has my full support and always has. She is on the waiting list for counselling but in the mean time how can I help her deal with this? She's 13 and has a younger sibling to dad plus younger half and step siblings (although we class them no differently I'm just clarifying).
This is really affecting her mental health and is a huge decision for her to make even if it is the right one. She feels she'll be better with him out of her mind as well as out of sight.
Dies anyone have any experience in this kind of issue that could offer some advice please?

I wish I'd been able to make a decision like this at her age. After years and years of trying to make my mother interested in me, we went nc 14 years ago. I'm now almost 50 and I regret the years I tried as she was never that interested.

Luckily I have a lovely stepmum and a great MIL.

I'll

I wish I'd been able to make a decision like this at her age. After years and years of trying to make my mother interested in me, we went nc 14 years ago. I'm now almost 50 and I regret the years I tried as she was never that interested.

Luckily I have a lovely stepmum and a great MIL.

I'll

Dd did report the physical incident to the police who came out to see her. Emotional abuse is almost impossible to prove though and he is very sneaky to keep things just shy of being at a level where the powers that be would take action.

I've had numerous contacts with women's aid over the abuse directed at me and also at the dc.

The report is very damning of their father though. That comes through loud and clear.

Can DD press charges? I really do wonder if DC can employ their own solicitor to challenge this sort of thing? Where are their rights... I wonder if you could rock the legal world by DD getting pro. bono to help her.

They have recommended a guardian and their own solicitor but have said the solicitor might not actually have any contact with the dc. Makes no sense to me at all. It's shit.

Acuma, at 14 she is old enough to decide. The guardian and solicitor have to place weight on her wishes and feelings. If she does not agree with the recommendations of the guardian , she is entitled to have her wishes represented by her solicitor.

Please give her a hug from me OP.

I haven't had contact with my Father (he doesn't deserve Dad) all of my life apart from a couple of years in my late teens when he lamented walking out and make a very weak attempt at pretending to try and make it up to me. He wasn't abusive or awful, he's just a weak-willed worm of a human who let his OW walk all over him to the detriment of his child.

I made a decision after a couple of years of hit and miss contact, half-arsed effort and the realisation that the mysterious superhero Dad of my childhood dreams didn't exist to cut all contact myself. I've seen him in person once since then at a wedding and this may sound petty but OH MY it felt really good to blank him and keep walking by. He doesn't deserve my time or energy.

Your DD is very brave to make this decision so young, but she doesn't need or deserve people that are less than wonderful in her life, they'll only bring her more upset and stress. There might be times when she second guesses herself but she sounds sensible enough to ride those times out. Good luck to you both x

The hearing was last week and the judge has agreed with the appointment of a guardian for dc and therefore a solicitor too. Guardian is to do a preliminary report by the end of August and decided what contact is to take place for them to do this report. Indirect contact and contact with the guardian there but possibly not. Dd1 will refuse to engage I think. She has no trust in the guardian as it's the cafcass officer who didn't listen to her to start with. It's just a waiting game now for the guardian to start the work for the preliminary report. We have another hearing in mid September.

I really hope DD is able to engage and be coherent about how awful his behaviour is and how the GF lies.

They had their first phone call on Monday. Cafcass have said 3 calls a week. She gave him hell and was crying and very distressed then he told her about all the fun things they'd been doing and how there's new pets and he's bought her this that and the other and guess what? Yeah, she's totally changed her mind and wants to see him. I give up. I can't take this shit anymore.

🤦🏼‍♀️

She's young and easy to manipulate and she's forgotten how she feels when she sees him.

You've done everything you can it seems like it will take her a good few years until she's ready to step off the merry go round with him 😢

She's angry with me now instead of him. She's not doing herself any favours by changing her mind again. She's done this every time she's had a period of refusing to see him then she lets rip at him, he says things that make her think he's changed and she's missing out on fun and suddenly she wants to see him. The stress it causes is horrendous and I've been to court so many times because of these situations. I'm exhausted. I can't protect her when she does things like this.

I can't do this any more. How can I protect her from him now when she's changed her mind like the wind. She wants to give him another chance but what if he hurts her worse next time. She thinks she can change him if she sees him. I'm scared he will escalate next time. He's not going to suddenly stop being abuse. He escalated with me and I'm scared he'll do the same with her.