Dd wants nothing to do with her father and wants to forget he ever existed

[acuma]

Dd is saying she wants to forget her dad ever existed and wants nothing to do with anyone connected to him either except for siblings/step siblings.
We are awaiting a court hearing after he was physically and emotionally abusive at Christmas. There has been much emotional abuse from him and his gf over the years but court and social services have never restricted contact and have ordered that she go.
Christmas changed that and the court have ordered a full investigation. Dd has not changed her mind about seeing him (my view is that she needs keeping safe and away from him and his gf) but is now saying she doesn't want him in her life at all and wants to live as though he never was.
I am so upset that she is feeling this way due to how she's been treated and I'm not sure the relationship will ever be repaired even over time.She has my full support and always has. She is on the waiting list for counselling but in the mean time how can I help her deal with this? She's 13 and has a younger sibling to dad plus younger half and step siblings (although we class them no differently I'm just clarifying).
This is really affecting her mental health and is a huge decision for her to make even if it is the right one. She feels she'll be better with him out of her mind as well as out of sight.
Dies anyone have any experience in this kind of issue that could offer some advice please?

Your DD sounds a very smart and reasonable girl. She is likely doing herself a big favour in the long run. It is fantastic that she has realised and acknowledged how she feels.

Erratic, selfish, toxic or abusive dads can do so much damage that takes a long while to undo.

He will probably try guilt tripping her, but please let her know she shouldn't feel guilty at all. It isn't her fault he is a shit dad, it's up to him to prove that he can be a stable and reliable parent if he wants to be back in her life again, if she allows.

I'm 27 now, and have a distanced, but slowly improving relationship with my dad. I'm still working through the trauma I developed due to things I witnessed when I was made to stay with my dad & his alcoholic GF every weekend.

She is not alone. I made the same decision at the same age and have never regretted it almost 30 years on.

I agree with PPs who say she’s likely to be doing herself a big favour in the long run. Although I know and knew at the time the decision I made was the correct one for my emotional well-being and my mental health, I found it really really tough to have had to make that decision and the fact that I’d had to do so screwed me up for a long time. I also felt quite a lot of sadness that things had to be the way they are. I only mention this because while your daughter may seem to be coping well, she may also experience really difficult emotions about having to make her decision. It sounds like she’s made a very brave and sensible decision, but it doesn’t mean she won’t find it difficult to come to terms with having to do so.

Smart girl. I wish I could have cut out my toxic mother at 13. Sadly my DF still lives with and supports her reign of being a toxic narc so sadly I no longer see him, but getting rid of the toxic vile abusive woman from my life wasn't an option.

We are all behind your DD.

I cut my father out of my life last March when I was 27. He's been physically and emotionally abusive my whole life and when my mum told us they were getting divorced when I was 11 I cried because I was so relieved. Cutting him out of my life was the best thing I ever did. I hope your DD is okay.

Just be aware Caffcass will do everything they can to manipulate her to have contact with him, including pressuring you to maintain contact. They will expect you to only be positive about him when speaking to your DD.

Support her 100%
The next step after the interview will be to help her decide on her boundaries with regard to other relatives carrying back information about her to her father and trying to plead his case etc.

Thank you. She is upset and it will be difficult if her sibling sees him and the rest of the family. Sibling will be used to triangulate I'm sure and dd is worried the abuse will pass on to her sibling now. Dads only way of abusing me was through her and the courts. He won't be able to do that now so he might start using dd2.
I'll update after the interviews. She will hopefully feel better once that is out of the way.

Ok. Well cafcass have suggested meetings between dd1 and dad. Dd1 has said no. I get the impression this is what cafcass want though as dd can think about it and speak to cafcass again. Dd has the option of going to meetings but then choosing no contact but I don't think she should be put through that at all. If she doesn't want to see him, she doesn't want to see him. Abusive men are not open to learning from things or trying to resolve issues. They play the game then revert to form. I think pursuing the individual counselling for her is the best way forward. Dad denies he's abusive so how is talking to him going to help??
I think dd2 will have to have contact because she's wanting to see him although has told cafcass there are many issues that need resolving.

She's upset now as she's said cafcass haven't really listened to her and she feels pressured. Why do the rights of abusive dads matter more to cafcass?

My DD 13 is in the same position as yours, and currently deciding how she wants to have her dad in her life. Her DB 9 is being used by her dad to guilt her in to speaking to him.

She knows it's the right decision for her, I know that too but I'm so disappointed for her. I just want to fix it but I cant. Ive probably pressurised her into going for longer than she wanted by trying to fix it. But I cant fix it. Her dad can but chooses not too expecting DD to bend over backwards to fit into what he sees is meaningful relationship. Which means twice a week at 6pm she is supposed to smile and pretend everything is fine. She wont pretend anymore.

@acuma

My best friends has 2 daughters,one cut contact aged 13 and the other was 10.They cut contact at different times of their own choice as they both recognised what a useless selfish emotionally abusive twat he is.

He doesn't even try to reach out to them,the only thing he's interested in is how to get out of paying maintenance for them.

My friends son who's almost 14 still stays with his dad 2 nights a week but he has ASD and is very naive and thinks dads lack of rules and care is amazing because he can do what he wants so doesn't recognise that this is in fact neglectful behaviour on dads part.

I cut contact at 17 and 30 years later, no regrets.

I couldn't handle having a father who wanted contact only on his terms (which were very limited).
I found it hard, but a lot less disappointing than always hoping he'd want to spend time with me and then being let down. His loss ultimately.

Caffcass will say that & will put pressure on you to force her to have contact saying that you haven't presented him in a good light to her & haven't been positive about him to her.

Dd has read some of your replies and really appreciates how supportive you are and she feels like she isn't alone in her decision. She does not want to speak to cafcass again so that is that. She doesn't trust them. Previous dealings have not gone well and this was the last chance she was prepared to give them. Fair enough I think.
I am worried about dd2 having to go.

I wish someone had told me at 13 that my mother was toxic. When it finally clicked at 30, it was such a relief.

Give dd2 the option of doing the same as dd1 and leave her to it. Just the fact that she knows her dad is not right, will help her in her dealings with him.

Just to update: cafcass have not been back in touch. I'm taking that as a good sign that they won't push dd on the meetings. The report is due this next week I think. Her dad is not going to be happy and I expect him to try to ramp up the emotional abuse and coercion towards me as a result.

I really hope CAFCASS support DD1.

It's a shit show it really is, I hope DD2 quickly sees her father for the abusive man he is and asks to pull the plug and the CAFCASS support her in that.

KOKO

Have you measured in place to protect yourself op?

Yes, I have, thank you. He can't contact me except via the solicitor as his number is blocked, he doesn't know my email and I don't answer withheld numbers. I've switched off voicemail too so he can't leave messages on there if he calls from a withheld number. Of course he and his family will say I've poisoned Dd1 against him and refuse to think beyond everything being my fault. He's painted himself as the poor abused husband who had to have an affair and leave. Not that his gf was the reason he left of course. Oh no, that was because I was psychotic and abusive 🙄

I've just had the report and they have recommended meetings followed by contact building it up over time. Unbelievable.

FFS who is going to supervise or facilitate these meetings?

Cafcass. No one to supervise anything beyond the meetings though.

Is it worth speaking to social services about the abuse and you feel that you are being forced to put DD into an abusive situation?

Let me guess has he talked the talk that he didn't realise and he will change?

Sorry, I've been digesting things. Basically they have said that there are no safeguarding concerns and contact should go ahead but starting slowly. The blame has been put at my feet for alienating the dc. No evidence of abuse they have said. I'm fuming.

What evidence of abuse do you have?

I guess the problem is that exes partner lies so it's 2 adults against one child 😢