Hello all,
Looking for some advice please! As the title suggests, my husband is very confused about his sexuality and I’m in pieces, worried about our future and worried about him.
The whole situation is quite messy and has been going on for quite some time. Two years ago I found out that he was having an emotional affair, we talked lots and after lots of tears and heartache we both agreed we wanted to make our marriage work. During our heart to hearts he explained to me that he hadn’t been happy for a few years, a busy and stressful job, two young kids, short on money. And tbh he did broach this with me back in about 2015, saying he thought we were losing our spark and that we barely had time for each other, I remember it, but I was quite dismissive and a bit “well what do you expect? We’re not teenagers anymore, we’ve got kids and a mortgage.” So last year whilst I thought we were working on things post ea, he had in fact struck up contact with the ap again - lots of chatting/messaging, meeting for the odd coffee. When I found out about this last December I was gutted, really, really hurt. Whilst speaking/arguing about them being in contact again, hubby got really upset and told me that he thinks there’s something wrong with him because he’s realised that he has feelings for guys. Like when he watches porn (which I don’t really have an issue with) he finds himself more interested in the guy and watching him. He also said that he can appreciate a good looking guy. He was in tears about all this and I felt genuinely sorry for him. He’s sworn all along that the ea was more a very close friendship and an ease of talking to someone he really clicked with, not a physical attraction. Although she is a pretty girly girl, she has a very athletic almost boyish body, so perhaps there was a subconscious attraction there, who knows! Anyway, he cut all contact and as far as I’m aware hasn’t contacted her since Jan this year. Things have been rocky between us. He’s sometimes very distant, snappy with the kids, has trouble sleeping, lost his appetite, sex is sporadic and I feel a real distance between us. I told him all of this earlier in the week and he got very tearful and upset again, I told him how I don’t feel loved and that I’m sure it’s all to do with ‘her’ and that he can’t get over her. He admitted he cares about her and misses her friendship, but that’s not the problem. He just kept saying his heads a mess, we’ve drifted apart, I deserve better and he doesn’t know if he can give me what I need and deserve (a loving husband), but we agreed to try and to seek help. Then last night he was acting odd again, really down and that’s when he said it. That he’s really confused and hates himself, worried he might be gay/bi. He explained that that’s why he’s distant, why he struggles to show me affection and generally hates life atm. He said he doesn’t want to feel this way, the thought of going with a man repulses him, he loves me, enjoys sex with me but just doesn’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do either! I think him saying all of that to me last night was possibly the first step in his journey to self acceptance and that given time he will develop an interest in seeing where things could go with a guy. But how long do we give it? I don’t want to be some mug who waits around to see which way he decides to go, but at the same time I don’t want to walk away from a very confused man. Help please! Apologies it’s so long x