Husband is possibly gay/bi

[whydoesitalwaysrainonme35]

Hello all,
Looking for some advice please! As the title suggests, my husband is very confused about his sexuality and I’m in pieces, worried about our future and worried about him.
The whole situation is quite messy and has been going on for quite some time. Two years ago I found out that he was having an emotional affair, we talked lots and after lots of tears and heartache we both agreed we wanted to make our marriage work. During our heart to hearts he explained to me that he hadn’t been happy for a few years, a busy and stressful job, two young kids, short on money. And tbh he did broach this with me back in about 2015, saying he thought we were losing our spark and that we barely had time for each other, I remember it, but I was quite dismissive and a bit “well what do you expect? We’re not teenagers anymore, we’ve got kids and a mortgage.” So last year whilst I thought we were working on things post ea, he had in fact struck up contact with the ap again - lots of chatting/messaging, meeting for the odd coffee. When I found out about this last December I was gutted, really, really hurt. Whilst speaking/arguing about them being in contact again, hubby got really upset and told me that he thinks there’s something wrong with him because he’s realised that he has feelings for guys. Like when he watches porn (which I don’t really have an issue with) he finds himself more interested in the guy and watching him. He also said that he can appreciate a good looking guy. He was in tears about all this and I felt genuinely sorry for him. He’s sworn all along that the ea was more a very close friendship and an ease of talking to someone he really clicked with, not a physical attraction. Although she is a pretty girly girl, she has a very athletic almost boyish body, so perhaps there was a subconscious attraction there, who knows! Anyway, he cut all contact and as far as I’m aware hasn’t contacted her since Jan this year. Things have been rocky between us. He’s sometimes very distant, snappy with the kids, has trouble sleeping, lost his appetite, sex is sporadic and I feel a real distance between us. I told him all of this earlier in the week and he got very tearful and upset again, I told him how I don’t feel loved and that I’m sure it’s all to do with ‘her’ and that he can’t get over her. He admitted he cares about her and misses her friendship, but that’s not the problem. He just kept saying his heads a mess, we’ve drifted apart, I deserve better and he doesn’t know if he can give me what I need and deserve (a loving husband), but we agreed to try and to seek help. Then last night he was acting odd again, really down and that’s when he said it. That he’s really confused and hates himself, worried he might be gay/bi. He explained that that’s why he’s distant, why he struggles to show me affection and generally hates life atm. He said he doesn’t want to feel this way, the thought of going with a man repulses him, he loves me, enjoys sex with me but just doesn’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do either! I think him saying all of that to me last night was possibly the first step in his journey to self acceptance and that given time he will develop an interest in seeing where things could go with a guy. But how long do we give it? I don’t want to be some mug who waits around to see which way he decides to go, but at the same time I don’t want to walk away from a very confused man. Help please! Apologies it’s so long x

I think the gay/bi thing is just an excuse. It's significant that his ea was with a woman. I was reading your OP thinking it was a man until about 3/4 of the way through you said it was with a woman.

1. He said he hasn't been happy for years
2. He then had an emotional affair with a woman
3. Now he says he might be gay/bi and he hates himself, that's why he's been distant with you.

I think it's actually irrelevant whether he is gay, bi or straight. This relationship is sadly no longer working out. Do you want to put up with this any longer? How many more years do you want to wait around until he "finds himself" and then leaves anyway for a man or more likely, another woman. You should separate and he should move out as soon as possible.
At least you can then use your energy to take your own life in the direction you want to go in.

Yes, as others have said this sounds like depression. He's become obsessed about the gay/bi issue and added to your other issues it's pushing him over the edge.

I very much doubt he is gay, possibly bi but so what, if he is happy with you then he should stop worrying. I regard myself as actively heterosexual but I also watch gay porn sometimes and i prefer straight porn when both partners can be seen, not just the woman. I used to worry about that but I've never desired sex with a man so I have come to the conclusion that it's just curiosity and nothing much to worry about. I think your DH is also in this position.

But you do need to try and curb his self pity and make more room for your feelings, people endlessly telling you how they hate themselves is a form of attention seeking and you have too m any other things to worry about without that as well.

My ex husband told me he was a transvestite (after 20 years of marriage). I was shocked but now I think back to certain things and I can see how different he was to the other men/husbands we were friends with.
I think he just couldn't take the pressure of not really knowing what he liked/likes and he came out with all the lies.... he immediately got into another relationship with a woman half his age and is still hugely unhappy. I think many men DO cover up their true feelings, just to fit in with society.

call me cynical but have you wondered if the "I'm gay/bi" is a deliberate red herring to deflect any further suspicions/enquiries about about his extramarital relationship with a woman.

  He already  wrung every last drop of credibility t from the hoary old   EA excuse,  when he broke his promise and went back for more.

Are you sure he's not pulled the gay/bi card to try and excuse his EA.

Either way I think it's over, walk away with your head held high

As mentioned he’s saying he might be gay so you'll accept his “friendship” with this woman and trust he isn’t attracted to her....which he is.

According to himself :
He enjoys sex with you.
He thinks he might be gay/bi
The thought of sex with a man repulses him.
Allright then.. I don't know what yarn he's spinning but I smell lies and deception.

I wouldn't have the patience for this, you've been more than accomodating, are you not exhausted? Has he even asked how you are? Ask him if he wants to sort himself out by therapy/GP or go. He seems more concerned too about people's perception of him rather than you

I predict he will discover he is robustly heterosexual once he's separated from his understanding wife.

Or maybe he is genuinely confused about his sexuality? Interesting how the majority of posters have adopted a cynical stance to it. Would we question a wife’s sincerity if a husband posted stating that his wife thinks she’s is gay? Guess what. Men are not always out to manipulate. Either way, OP, there’s no way that I can see this relationship working. You need to prioritise your own emotional well-being and leave him. You deserve much more than this.

OP, I know this is harsh but you are wasting your time on this man. He is clearly gay or at least definitely bi, and I think he's been trying to tell you for a while. It clearly isn't working out between you. You are putting him first at the expense of yourself. Leave him and move on with your own life.

He checked out 5yrs ago and is comfortable to a point at home - he doesn't have the balls to leave you and his children and/or he's scared of the consequences and how you'll react and how his children will view him so he stays, he lies to you and himself and he's also depressed because he's living a lie. End it, amicably if you can for your kids' sake. Move on. I bet he's 100% straight OP - he's just not happy and questioning things.

He doesn't want to be married but he wants you to take responsibility for ending your marriage. It not fair to burden you with that responsibility BUT you deserve happiness too. This man is never going to make you happy again. He's dragging you down.

if you end things now, you could co-parent, be best friends, live your lives separately but be happy for each other.

If you don't end things, you will resent each other, things will become more toxic and everyone will suffer.

Think of the happiness you could find for yourself.

Or maybe he is genuinely confused about his sexuality? Interesting how the majority of posters have adopted a cynical stance to it. Would we question a wife’s sincerity if a husband posted stating that his wife thinks she’s is gay?
If the wife was saying she was gay but had recently had an emotional affair with a man then yes, I think posters would be cynical about it too - certainly more cynical than if the wife had had the emotional affair with a woman.

My advice would be the same either way @Myohmy111

He has checked out of the marriage. He has disengaged from his wife and his children and had a two year (probably) emotional affair with another woman.

His sexuality is a red herring.

Doesn’t sound to me like he’s gay, sounds like he’s making excuses.

Or maybe he is genuinely confused about his sexuality? Interesting how the majority of posters have adopted a cynical stance to it. Would we question a wife’s sincerity if a husband posted stating that his wife thinks she’s is gay? If she'd already had an affair with a man? Yes.

Thank you for all of your replies, I’ve read and taken everything on board. We spoke again this evening and he still maintains that he couldn’t bring himself to have sex with a man, but went on to say that he wouldn’t be adverse to doing other things with them! Says it all really doesn’t it! Deep down, I think he is gay, I don’t think it’s a red herring. I think the ea was an ea, not a physical one. He said again tonight that she was a very, very close friend whom he opened up to (although not about the sexuality thing) and she opened up to him about many very private things. Either way he put his ea before our marriage. I think he doesn’t want to come out fully to me as he said himself that he doesn’t want to walk away from his children, me or our lovely home. So what I envisage is him trying (and failing) to play happy families, whilst all the time lusting after men and probably starting an affair with one. The marriage is dead, I realise that now. I plan to get my ducks in a row and ask him to leave, I can’t go on like this.

I’m sorry but he’s bullshitting you,,I might be bi is his way of trying to cover over his guilt. Look online and see what financial help you can get the let him go. You deserve a life better than this...

To be honest him being bi or not doesn’t come into it. If he wants to be with you then he needs to accept he might fancy men but still loves you and that’s okay or he doesn’t want to be with you and he needs to end it. His sexual orientation is irrelevant, the impact on your relationship with him questioning being with you is what needs focused on.

It seems to me that he wants you to take the responsibility of splitting up. He doesn't want his family to know about his EA, or his possible sexuality. I actually think that's a red herring.
He likes the lovely home & family you have - it's comfortable.
So he wants you to be the bad guy and action the split. And as far as his family are concerned he will not be to blame...

Leaving the way open for him to waft New Woman or more likely EA woman into his life, and all the while his family will think you are the Bad Guy for actioning the split.

Just make sure if you do split, the terms are that you both or he tells his family exactly WHY you are splitting and that you are not to blame.

I wonder if he is depressed? Would counselling help?

I don't think he is gay or bisexual, I think he is sated by porn. But whatever, not every marriage is going to last the long haul, OP.

You really do need your ducks in a row as I can’t see this ending well. He’s not going to suddenly turn around and say it was all a big mistake, with you both living happily ever after.
Find a family solicitor, you can often get a free first chat.
Does he have a pension ?
Get screen shots of the account summary of any joint bank accounts.
Does he have any accounts in his name only, if so try and find out how many and which banks.
He may be nice now and promise the earth, but when the solicitors get involved he’s likely to change.

I guess it’s all about him because he’s the one that seems so messed up in all of this That's very convenient for him isn't it I'll accept anyone's sexuality but I'll never accept a cheat. Especially a cheat who uses sexuality as a distraction. "I think I'm gay so I've had an affair with a woman". No. Affairs should never be acceptable. You should know you're worth so much more.

Life is too short to live like this. My advice would be to separate and see what happens.