Supporting a partner with depression

[Orangepuffpastry]

My DW has recently been diagnosed with depression, although I think she’s been struggling with it for most of her entire life. We’ve been together 20 years since our early twenties.

She had one suicide attempt before I knew her, and recently with lockdown things became extremely difficult for her and we very nearly had a second attempt. Social services are now involved (as we have kids) but frankly all the support is down to me.

I don’t resent this. I love my DW dearly and would do anything to help. On a bad day, her anxiety manifests itself as anger and she clearly is very stressed and upset about feeling the way she does.

I’ve changed jobs, try and do as much of the day to day rubbish chores as possible, put my kids first always, always try to support her through the bad times.

But, I feel guilty for saying this, I’m starting to feel something different. I feel lonely. I feel like, just occasionally, I’d like to be made a fuss of. Is this bad? If you have a similar relationship, what mechanisms or ways do you have of getting through the loneliness and sad moments?

It's very tough. I made it crystal clear that I needed time to do my own stuff, my own friends etc. I used to go out a lot. I'm not saying that was ideal.

You're allowed to push back on the anger. On all of it tbh. No, she can't take out her anxiety on you as a punching bag (I'm assuming it's not physical? Is it verbal, rows, what?)

Are you ok with having changed jobs? What did that achieve?

Permanent thanks. I do push back on the anger sometimes. I should say that the anger is rare actually, it’s more like she’s venting worries and bad stuff. That’s very common. I’m fine with it if it helps her, but it gets exhausting.

The job change is still new, but I work with a nice bunch of people and, although they’re just work colleagues, it helps to be around happy people sometimes I guess.

I’ve taken up running recently, early morning. That’s really helped actually.

What help does she get for herself - GP? Any counselling?

Yes, you're allowed to feel lonely and neglected because you are.

You are prioritising her needs which is amazing for her, absolutely amazing. But it's really important that you don't give up too much of yourself. The running and new colleagues sound great. Do you need more to feel good (I would)?

It's great that she's been diagnosed with something IF it leads to a change. So is she going to get anti depressants and/or counselling?

She is extremely lucky to have you. Take care of yourself and don't feel guilty for doing things for yourself. The depression is not more important than you.

Is she doing anything about it ?
Such a medication
Therapy
Exercise
Medication !!!

As she really should , there are things that help with MH problems and she should for the sake of herself , you and the kids be accessing that

It’s really hard for you and you are in your rights to walk
Away when the anger starts and gently state how hard this is on you also

Sympathies , I’m probably going to sound a bit hard but I do get frustrated when people
Don’t actively try to address their MH

And maybe she is in too deep , so apologies

Yes what responsibility is she taking to improve her mental health?

Staying in bed all day and not engaging in family life would not be acceptable to me, lifestyle is very important.

Exercise, diet, sleep as a definite, and CBT/counselling. Medication would be a last resort for me, not the first/only thing to try but I work in mental heath and I know now everyone feels that way.

Really sorry you're going through this. It sounds like you're being an excellent partner but you need to ensure that your needs are being met too. That's a relationship, after all. There are always peaks and troughs of course, but long term if one partner is supporting one more than the other it's bound to build resentment.

I have suffered terribly with depression over the past few years and my partner has been a real rock. When you're in the depths of it it's hard to see how you're making anyone else feel, when you can think about is how much you don't want to be here. My partner told me she was feeling lonely and neglected and, even in my state, I did try to make it a bit better.

Make sure she's looking after herself and taking charge of her mental illness. And then make sure you're being looked after too! Sending strength.

If she's not on anti'ds she needs to see her GP. They can really help lift her mood so you are not having to tiptoe around her.
Also, so that she can enjoy life again, wouldn't that be nice. Then she might do therapy or CBT that would help as well.

Also, she can't be venting and ranting to you all day. Tell her she has to find a therapist to tell all that to.
This ranting thing is a distraction from her feelings. Also, it persists and feeds the cycle of negative thoughts. If she did therapy she'd notice that herself.

This is a health issue. There is a board for this. But the bottom line will be you need boundaries and coping mechanisms. For most people that will not to live with someone who isn’t complying with a care and treatment plan. Given the symptoms you describe that will involve medication.

It takes time for the medication to work and sometimes it takes time to get the right regime.

She won’t be able to make a fuss of you until she is getting the right treatment. Even then you might not like what you get. You will need to evaluate whether being together is good for you and the children.

She needs to know your boundary on this and other things. You should also not accept having anger directed at you from anybody. Nor should your children.

LemonTT depression is very much a relationship issue as well as a health issue. It can break relationships into small pieces, the impact is horrendous. My late husband suffered from depression and self medicated with alcohol - it destroyed our marriage, damaged our DDs and ended his life. You can't put it in a single box.

My advice to OP would be to prioritise looking after yourself. You cannot support your DW if you are not taking time and space to keep yourself well. And if your wife does not do the hard work involved in getting as well as she can - and it is hard work - you need to think about yourself all the more. My late H chose not to do any of the work, he wanted to be rescued and so he got worse and worse. Don't let your DW do this to you - you are as much entitled to a stable, happy life as she is.

Thanks everyone. I appreciate all your replies.

I’m able to cope most of the time. Today hasn’t been a great. She woke up late, which meant I had to get the kids up, made them breakfast and got them ready (late to work). Just got home to a load of venting of what was wrong with the house, the kids etc. I asked if we could just relax for 10 mins and not worry too much. She’s now stormed out saying she can’t talk to me about anything.

I feel like I bottle so much up. I daren’t say or do anything and am starting to resent it.

Orangepuffpastry do you feel that she is doing everything she can to work towards recovery? Because that's the question you have to give yourself an honest answer to. If the answer is no, you need to have a serious discussion with her about your future as a couple.

Also no matter what the mental health issue is, remember that mental illness is never an excuse to act like a total arse to your partner and family.

A lot of IAPT services offer something called Couples Therapy for Depression, for when one person in the couple has depression. Up to 30 sessions in most places. You can usually self refer into IAPT without a gp referral, maybe look up your local service and see if this is something they offer?

Up to 20 sessions that's supposed to say.

pointythings the honest answer is no. I get the feeling sometime that she's expecting me to rescue her, pull her out, almost. That really makes me feel desperate.

She has meds, but doesn't take them. The worst thing though is when I try to talk to her, it's so difficult. Most of the replies are "I don't know". Not much to go on.

I'm going to have a couple of beers in front of the TV tonight and try and chill out. Kids are in safe bed and she's upstairs asleep. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Judy many thanks. I had no idea about this. Googling now...

Orangepuffpastry your wife is doing exactly what my late husband did - expecting to be rescued. He did take meds, but sabotaged them with enormous amounts of alcohol.

You need to think long and hard about what you want your future and your kids' future to be. Your wife's depression will affect your children and that ison't fair on them. Your wife owes it to them (and to herself) to put in the work. Depression is a horrible illness and very hard to overcome. The depression itself makes it very hard for the person to motivate themselves. But they have to do it. You may be better off in separate households, with the kids living with you.

You have all my best wishes. My mother had depression and refused to adhere to medication or therapy, instead using me from 12 onwards as a therapist. I was permanently anxious, having to go through her obsessive repetitive thoughts over and over, it was damaging and emotionally exhausting. Depression is so awful for the person suffering but the household suffers from the ripple effect too. I hope you can have the professional interventions for her that you need before it totally wears you out.

garden very sorry to hear of your experience. I hope things are better for you now.

pointy thanks for your insights. Maybe I do need to ask for help from others now.

OP do not let yourself be abused... depressions is not an excuse to be treated badly by anyone...

Ah OP
Not great news

She needs to try and fix it
You can’t fix her anymore than you can fix an alcoholic

Unfortunately some MH Issues do take work and effort to fix , taking the drugs , going to therapy , and being self aware

I think you need some support to develop some boundaries for your own wellbeing

It’s hard

I was like your wife. Literally everything you have said about her my husband could have said about me five years ago. Including the suicide attempts and the lengthy periods of depression, lying in bed, being unmotivated, scared, avoiding responsibility, complaining, using avoidance tactics on a day to day basis , being angry That was my life for a long time. It's very hard. But equally hard for you. If she's anything like me she will know that you have to tolerate a lot, but she will struggle to admit it because she's scared.

Anyway. I have a question. Who diagnosed her with depression , was it the doctor?

It's just I was misdiagnosed with depression by the doctor for over 10 years. It's only when I actually broke down during an appointment (embarrassing) that they actually sent me for a mental health assessment. The assessment took almost six hours in total and diagnosed me with severe complex PTSD. Which isn't that rare, but it's different from depression. Sorry, my point is, if she hasn't been diagnosed after a mental health assessment it might be something else, give the antidepressants time to work. But if they don't, go back to the doctors and be firm about this. Or go private and pay for a mental health assessment if possible. Even just understanding what I had made a difference to me.

My husband has had severe depressive episodes throughout his adult life and our long relationship (19 y). He finally got a formal diagnosis in 2013 in a near-complete breakdown, and we nearly split up in 2017 when he had an affair in the throws of another episode. I have my own MH issues (recent diagnosis of ASD, plus anxiety/OCD), but they simply take a back seat to his. I’m the main breadwinner, and there’s no space for me to fall apart. It’s exhausting, and I’m so sorry to hear you’re here. I think refusal to take medication/co-operate with treatment is a boundary, but having said that I know well the tricks depression plays on the mind. I would say keep pushing for help. If you don’t think she’s getting adequate care, push harder, get arsey if you have to. But at the end of the day, it’s not your responsibility to fix her. If you’ve done all you reasonably can and this is where you are, yes, you can leave if you have to. Ignore anyone else’s thoughts on that. Can I recommend the book Depression Fallout, written for partners of people with depression?