Supporting a partner with depression

[Orangepuffpastry]

My DW has recently been diagnosed with depression, although I think she’s been struggling with it for most of her entire life. We’ve been together 20 years since our early twenties.

She had one suicide attempt before I knew her, and recently with lockdown things became extremely difficult for her and we very nearly had a second attempt. Social services are now involved (as we have kids) but frankly all the support is down to me.

I don’t resent this. I love my DW dearly and would do anything to help. On a bad day, her anxiety manifests itself as anger and she clearly is very stressed and upset about feeling the way she does.

I’ve changed jobs, try and do as much of the day to day rubbish chores as possible, put my kids first always, always try to support her through the bad times.

But, I feel guilty for saying this, I’m starting to feel something different. I feel lonely. I feel like, just occasionally, I’d like to be made a fuss of. Is this bad? If you have a similar relationship, what mechanisms or ways do you have of getting through the loneliness and sad moments?

Losing she was referred to MH team by the doctor. Of course, at the moment everything is done on the phone or Zoom, which means I don't really know what’s going on. She has a couple of regular sessions each week.

My DW avoids talking about the sessions. She had an hour long session with somebody yesterday, and told me very little about it. I kept asking questions but she just went quiet. All I know is that the MH team now want to talk to me and my eldest about how we feel.

If she is not taking her medication she will not get better. You should point out her non compliance to the mental health team when you meet.
Do you know why she is refusing? Are the side effects troubling her, or does the depression make her feel she doesn’t deserve treatment, or has she given up because it didn’t work immediately? Antidepressants take up to six weeks to be effective, and need to be taken regularly.
It’s important that you have some support yourself. Ask your GP for contact details of groups in your area who provide support for partners and families of depressed patients.

I think your wife has to understand gently that your support comes with conditions, and one of those is to follow the orders of the mental health team. I.e to take the antidepressants Living with someone with depression is hell and it sounds like you have turned yourself inside out trying to cope. Your mental health could end up being at risk.

This is only going to work if she doing what she can to get better, although it sounds as if she is doing the sessions so that is good.

This is basically what my husband said to me at one point, and I resented him like hell for it but I understood as well. What's that saying... You can't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm? Well this is even more relevant when they have a blanket but they refuse to use it. My husband was talking about me eating more and getting outside every day, I always took my medications. You can't save her all on your own. It sounds exhausting.

I would strongly suggest you see your own GP. Depression isn't exactly infectious but it is very hard going caring for someone who has it.

I'm doing really well, thank you @Orangepuffpastry I suspect it is typically thoughtful of you to consider others. Make sure there is support/therapy for you, you're in a situation where nothing can ever be about you and the kindest thing you can do for yourself is make time for you, because you matter too.

A support group for relatives is invaluable. Good information/lectures etc on Irish site AWARE. Mind youself and protect your boundaries. Bad behaviour is bad behaviour. Good luck

Oh my goodness gracious me, I'm in exactly the same position (perhaps with a few more complications).
Bottom line is that love does not make you an all encompassing hero. As much as you love your wife it doesn't make you void of your own personal feelings and needs, of course it's only natural to feel like that, and don't you dare feel bad about it!!!! It's not an overwhelming feeling so where you feel resentment, you're still sympathetic and compassionate, but you are still human and as a human you're hard wired to have those needs met. You're lucky to have eachother, good luck to you! X

I think you might need to sit down with your wife and spell out what you need. That might be some help around the house, agree what chores she can do to help, how you need her to take medication or engage with therapy etc or to be up so you can go running.

Do you have any support from friends or family? When I was very unwell I encouraged my partner to tell his family do they could support him. Also look up if there are any carer support groups running, they are usually signposted at your GPs but I guess they might be hard to find right now. Make yourself a priority, you'll burnout otherwise.

I'm sorry to hear your wife isn't taking her medication (i think you said) admittedly it does not work for everyone, and can make the anxiety and horror-feelings worse to begin with (some gps prescribe a short course of valium to help people over the first, worst couple of weeks). But I think you are entitled to ask her think about what she is potentially missing in terms of her own and here families' lives by not giving the meds a chance

I just wanted to say thanks to everyone for their messages. It’s been comforting to hear and has made me realise that this is not my fault and the loneliness and fight-picking are part of the course. I’m looking into support groups for me and trying to stay positive for my family.