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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Think it's coming to an end

36 replies

newbeginings87 · 01/07/2020 23:56

Hi everyone I really don't know what to do but knew I needed to talk to some one . I don't want to get my family involved so here I am . I feel like my whole world has just come crashing down . My fiancé come home from work got out of the shower and said shall we call it a day . We have been together ten years he said that he doesn't love me anymore , I'm a state , I went out and got my work bag from my car in my pjs . I had got home had a shower first . He then called me an embarrassment and a tramp . I went to the bathroom and cried . He said he was going to pack his stuff and leave I came out and he was still standing there . Said he would give it one more go and one more go only . Said he's fed up of arguing. He has bi polar and I have been through hell with him for years . I think now he's having enough because I'm actually sticking up for myself and he can't hack anyone going against him . I just feel so low right now

OP posts:
Belowwreck · 02/07/2020 00:01

Chuck him out. Sounds like an arsehole.

jessstan2 · 02/07/2020 00:07

That's a terrible shock for you. Why on earth did he say you were an embarrassment and a tramp?

I understand how sad you are but he can't treat you like that and within no time at all, say he will give it 'one more go only'. It's cruel and unreasonable.

Let him pack and go, you can do better.

A ten year engagement is telling in itself.

Iloveme30 · 02/07/2020 00:15

He's a dickhead , challenge yourself and kick him out be without him for a few weeks I bet you'll be much happier without him ☺️🤗 he's a deadweight around your neck right now let him go x

NoMoreDickheads · 02/07/2020 00:20

He sounds awful and bipolar is no excuse to be an arsehole really- maybe for short periods but even then if he saw a consultant regularly/got his meds checked that wouldn't happen much.

So I suspect most of his behaviour is due to being an abusive arsehole.

Take back control and be the one that dumps him, you'll feel better for it.

Opentooffers · 02/07/2020 00:24

Hmm...I had a 12 year engagement once, knew after a while that he would not be good enough for me to marry, I think you know this too on some level. He's going to pussyfoot around and pick his moment for going if you don't fall in line and become subservient to him. Don't let him hang the threat of leaving over you in an attempt to moderate your behaviour. Pick the moment that's right for you, when you're next feeling strong and end it yourself, you will be glad you did in the long run.

dontgobaconmyheart · 02/07/2020 00:35

OP, he's an abusive dick. Having bipolar is no excuse for calling you abusive names and dropping you like a stone before making it seem like you're lucky to get another chance.

Sounds as though he is lucky to be getting anybat all from you. Years is a long time to be putting up with this - how many more can you stand? Why should you have to?

I would take back control of this and leave him. Ureenrly it sounds like he has all of the control and your life revolves around what he wants and thinks. Future you will thank you for getting rid of him. Google codependency if you feel unable and see if that resonates.

It isn't you OP, it is him.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/07/2020 00:39

You should have left him years ago. You've wasted enough time surely.

birthdaybelle · 02/07/2020 00:40

Having bi polar is not an excuse at all. Chuck him out

needhandhold · 02/07/2020 04:28

Are you sure he’s not mucking around with another woman? Sounds very suspicious

newbeginings87 · 02/07/2020 09:43

Thankyou very much for all your replies I had the worse night sleep . Slept late for work tho some how lol . I just feel so emotionally drained today I feel like driving somewhere and just not coming back . I said to him last night that the reason why we always seem to be falling out now is because I'm actually sticking up for myself . I was so scared of him leaving me for years . We could be having a great day and in a split second he would just say I don't do it for him he's not happy he don't find me attractive and he would leave . We would be out shopping and all of a sudden something I did or said would piss him off and he would go mad and practically run away and leave me . I was so strong before I met him . I am so embarrassed how weak I am if this was anyone else I'd be like just leave ! But I'm finding it so hard and I don't know why . Sometimes I have thought he likes watching me lose my confidence and cry . Then when he dies upset me he calls me pathetic for crying . Today I am thinking maybe it is all me that's caused this x

OP posts:
newbeginings87 · 02/07/2020 09:44

He's definitely not with anyone else although in a way I wish he was because that would be it for me then x

OP posts:
TeddyBeans · 02/07/2020 09:50

Time to leave OP, you'll feel so much better for it

needhandhold · 02/07/2020 09:51

It’s not you, it’s him. Do what I’m doing. Get therapy to build your confidence to leave

newbeginings87 · 02/07/2020 09:53

I don't know if I'm being paranoid but yesterday I told him if he wants to leave he should just not come home from work if he hates me that much . But he loves to come home and make me suffer watching him leave . He stands there hanging around then just saying he's leaving but never moves . Until I say something he doesn't like and he storms off . Today he texts me at half 6 I love you we do this anyway . After that am I in work today ? He never asks this because I am everyday . Is he doing this for me to think he's going to go home and get his things to leave ? X

OP posts:
newbeginings87 · 02/07/2020 09:57

I have been looking online at courses I think it's called the freedom course ,? I need to do something because life is awful for me right now x

OP posts:
Eslteacher06 · 02/07/2020 10:28

He's playing games. Had exactly this for years and it was awful looking back. This is a toxic relationship. Think about the love you could have with someone else?

HollowTalk · 02/07/2020 10:35

You know if you finished with him you'd feel like a huge weight was lifted off your shoulders, OP. Please don't put up with this for any longer - it's really bad for you.

Ladybyrd · 02/07/2020 10:35

Just because you've been with him for years doesn't mean you should continue to do so. This relationship does not sound salvageable. From your point of view, with the benefit of hindsight having been with someone similarly abusive, I wouldn't waste my time trying. You can have a relationship with someone that's happy and healthy without having to walk on eggshells or keep putting up with his performances. That's how it's meant to be, not this. I think you should walk away and never look back - you deserve to be a happy, and I think you know it isn't going to happen here.

If I were you, and he said he was going, I'd tell him I think that's a good idea and offer to help him pack.

Windmillwhirl · 02/07/2020 10:44

It can be very hard for people with healthy self esteem to understand why you would stay in a relationship that makes you feel so bad.

You may not feel you can live without him, you may feel afraid, you may feel you wont meet anything else. Please get some therapy and strength so you can see clearly the abuse you have possibly accepted as the norm.

His words are so cruel. You are not a tramp because you went outside in your pjs. You wont see that definition anywhere.

He is a bully and a coward. Why didnt he follow through and leave? Oh yes, now you are expected to grovel and do everything he wants.

Therapy pronto and get ready for your life to change for the better. If you have somewhere else to go now, do it, if he wont leave.

Dery · 02/07/2020 13:45

OP - yes, do the Freedom Course. And you might find it insightful to read "How-Gets-into-Her-Head - the Mind of the Intimate Male Abuser".

This makes clear that an abuser will target a woman whom he sees to be kind and ready to put others' needs before her own, then he sets about getting to know her extremely well, while withholding himself emotionally (though he might conceal he is doing this), and using his intimate knowledge of the woman to control, hurt and effectively brainwash her. So when you say you wonder if this is down to you - that's him talking.

Firstly, you must actually be incredibly strong to have survived years of this. That means you have the strength to disentangle yourself. It sounds like you've started to do that - you've started standing up for yourself more and more recently. That's terrific. That shows your instincts are intact. You may be out of practice at listening to yourself but you're getting back into the rhythm of doing so.

None of this is to do with his MH. Millions of people have MH conditions and still treat their loved ones kindly and respectfully. However, I think - with MH issues being increasingly brought out into the open - abusers are using them as an excuse for behaving abusively. That's because abusers instinctively weaponise everything against their partners and they never take responsibility for anything.

He will not accept that he is abusive (abusers very rarely do) so don't expect him to admit to it.

You've given him 10 years. You've given him every chance and more to behave himself and act like a reasonable and responsible partner. It sounds like you're done now. That's great.

Do you have people you can reach out to IRL for support? In any case, keep posting here if it helps. And be gentle with yourself. Disentangling yourself from anyone you've been with for 10 years would be difficult and painful. Get as much support as you can and look after yourself during this process.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 02/07/2020 15:23

It's already ended, OP. There's no doubt, is there? He's enjoying himself hugely at your expense and feelings.

Who's house is it? If it's yours then tell him to go - have a friend with you for moral support whilst he's packing his stuff up.

Why does he get to call 'time' on your relationship? You would feel so much better if you did it. If you don't, you know that it's only a matter of time and between then and now, he will wrench your feelings and shred them. Nobody should put up with that. Thanks

MulticolourMophead · 02/07/2020 15:28

I'd get rid of him now, OP. I reckon you'll be feeling a whole lot better when you're not walking on eggshells around him.

He may have Bi Polar, but that doesn't excuse the abusive behaviour. Something I said to my ex, that his depression didn't excuse his abusive behaviour to the DC and me.

You deserve better than this.

SVRT19674 · 02/07/2020 15:30

A great piece of news then. I just cannot see why this is bad news. It is a dead weight around your neck. When you start breathing fresh air again you will wonder why you wasted so much time.

hellsbellsmelons · 02/07/2020 16:38

Yes - do the Freedom Programme / Project as quickly as you can.
This is abuse OP. You know that!
Stop enabling it.
Stop putting up with it.
Take back control of YOUR life.
Hell... pack for him!
Just get him gone and get some sanity back.
You get literally nothing out of this relationship now.
Stop wasting your life on this loser.
It's way too short.

Google 'hoovering abuse' and 'sunk cost fallacy'
Get yourself educated and kick him to the curb!

newbeginings87 · 02/07/2020 16:40

Hi all I have just got home . Still feel pretty deflated . I know I'm going to come across as really shallow but the main reasons for not wanting to leave him is because we are just about to get buy an amazing house . A house I have always dreamed of. Also we have amazing holidays . He earns more than 5 times what I earn. So when I think about leaving him and how ever much I want to I always think about these things and I really don't want to go back to renting and not being able to afford all these lovely holidays . I have such a stable life with him but so miserable . Then I think I would prefere to have nothing than to carry on . Then I think stupid thoughts like what if this is all me and he moves on and in years to come I will see him in social media all happy , married with children . And I'm still on my own and lonely . Do you all think I'm just over thinking too much is it normal to think like this . I always remember my best friend of 32 years . We had gone out when me and my partner had been together a year . He flipped because he thought I was cheating on him . Came to where we were and caused one hell of a scene . I remember him throwing his food at the pub door and he was just really aggressive and when me and my friend got in a taxi to go home I started crying . I never cry in front of no one . Apart my partner . And I remember her kind of being really uncomfortable that I was because she said that everything we have gone through and all these years that this is the 1st time she's seen me like it . He has really changed me as a person . Some for the best and the rest obviously not . I was pretty wild ha ha . All I want out of life is to be happy . I would love to be with some one who is my best friend . If I wasn't with my partner and we had just met say same sex I would not even want them as a friend because of how horrible a person they are . He has no friends . Just people from work . His family don't speak to him no more . Says it all really . And there's me trying my hardest because I don't want him to have no one . I'm such a dick x

OP posts:
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