I can't control my temper around husband!

[Hannahbanana1986]

Just what it says in the title, I am generally a passive person and open to others opinions I tend to go with the flow etc but my partner just seems to push buttons I did not know were there.

I am laid back as a person, but if my husband (we have been married only a year, together 4) says certain things I cannot control my anger. We had serious rows at the start of our relationship when he decided he was entitled to know everything about my past, he didn't like what he heard, tough because he asked so I told him. As far as I am concerned if he didnt want to know he shouldn't have asked. My friends say I shouldn't have told him but he was extremely persistent and almost agrrwisve with it, I felt telling him was the best option, maybe it wasn't. But however firm I was at the time, I think letting him in like this may have affected us in ways I may not even realise. I almost let him question me about everything I'd ever done before him.

Now, it can be a minor row but as soon as we start bickering I just see red. I may relate it to stress I don't know but I turn into an absolute volcano and can't control myself. Which he always points out whuch makes it ten times worse. He hasn't mentioned past men/relationships in a few months now but I just don't think I can get over what he has done which is why I use any excuse to just blow up at him. I have told him all this, he says he was jealous but I need to get over it and I have taken it completely out of context. I have tried to tell him how it made me feel and it is still an issue. He says it shouldn't be it was just him being silly and jealous. He made me feel so bad at one point I felt like I needed anti depressants I still worry I may need them as it just made me so confused and hurt my head so much I couldn't concentrate on anything else. I think I turn back to this state in a row and I don't know how to stop it.

Sorry for the ramble but I feel lost and really need some advice. I have had hypnotherapy and the hypnotherapist said it is all a game and I need to stay calm or I loose instantly but this is great in hindsight but a waste of hundreds of pounds as I feel no different.

Thanks in advance

Your behaviour is your responsibility
You are in control

Get away temporarily or permanently

Separate and see how you feel
Maybe he triggers you. But it s your choice to stay or leave.

Sorry forgot to add just for a bit of context, my past is not bad (as far as I am aware, slept with roughly 30 men, nothing else - my business anyway but still wanted to point out nothing shocking) I am mid 30's. He has 2 kids by 2 different women, that isn't something I have ever had a problem with, but he clearly has a past too but seems to focus on my 'fruitful past' as he likes to call it. But I wanted to point out he didn't find anything shocking out. Other than the fact he thinks that number is too high. 😳

Thank you for your comment. Sorry to sound stupid as I am fairly new here but if he triggers me should I definitely leave? Is it always negative to be triggered?

It’s none of his fucking business and he sounds like a dick keep going on about it.

Do you think this is working for you? It doesn’t sound like it’s a relationship I would want.

I think I would have trouble containing myself with such a judgemental prick. How dare he.

I mean this isn't a great relationship is it?
So leave.

Get away from him.
See if your anger and outbursts improve.
If he is goading you then leave.

You are in control of yourself...but this relationship isn't working is it?

None of his business what you did or did not do in the past.

You say you can't get over how he has talked/questioned/judged you on past relationships.

You need to firstly understand what he did, and how he made you feel when he questioned you.

Did he betray your trust?
What damage did he do?
Was it because he didn't accept you as you are?
Is it because he has brought these men into your relationship?
Does it make you feel unworthy?
Does it remind you of other behaviour?
Does it remind you of someone else that you don't like?

You need to pin it down,the reasons why you are hurt. You need to get to the root of your feelings.

And then you need to link that hurt to how you feel during your arguments.

If there is no abuse in the relationship then counselling could be invaluable here. Obviously if it present don't even think about it.

I think there are a couple of things going on her.
Firstly, your behaviour is entirely your responsibility and blaming your husband for you losing the rag is not being responsible for your behaviour.
However, there are a few things in your OP which make me wonder if there is more to your husbands behaviour than you have described. Aggressively forcing you to talk about your past and the being judgemental about it sounds pretty unpleasant and I wonder if it is actually a greater problem still than you acknowledge.

OP,
He sounds like a right twat.
The cheek of him.
I think you know he is a twat and you don't want to be with him.
Him making such a big deal about something that was NONE of his bloody business has changed how you feel about him.
Simple as that.

He has two children by two women?
Is he paying for them?
He's no prize, let me tell you.

I'd have told you run.

Your anger is probably a bit of low mood, depression coming out.
You don't seem to be happy.

Don't get pregnant.
Separating and taking time to think is a good plan.

I think your anger is trying to tell you something - that this relationship is all wrong and you need to get out of it. I doubt the anger will go away until you do what it asks.

This is a sign of an abusive man. He finds out about your past and then uses it against you particularly in arguments.
You mention being confused, does he do relentless circular conversations or arguments? Does he switch the conversation halfway through and make it out was a 'joke' when it was clearly him winding you up?
I agree with pp that being depressed could be your body's way to signalling this is wrong for you....

When my husband and I got together he asked about previous boyfriends. I just said I wasn't going to tell him! End of conversation!!!

Which profile is your husband?

Lundy Bancroft's book 'Why Does He Do That? docdro.id/py03

www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling-ebook/dp/B000Q9J0RO?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

OP - I can echo other people here but with the added experience of exactly what you describe.
I never ever lose my patience unless I’m being bullied. I didn’t see it with this particular person because I didn’t see the love bombing either.
I didn’t see that the getting pregnant early (I terminated) would be the slippery slope into insidious manipulation.
I have had a very tough life since meeting him.
I can’t describe it all on here because I’m pretty sure I get monitored... but please please consider leaving now. While you still can do easily.
And read that Lundy Buncroft book!!!!

Is he intimidated because you’ve had other lovers. FFS he’s such an ass. Who cares. He asked. You told him. He needs to get over it and never bring it up again.

The fact he does is not good. Time to go? Sorry OP.

OP it's not clear really what's going on.

If I am reading correctly:

At the beginning of the relationship, he bullied (?) you into telling him how many men you slept with. Since then, and it's been four years, he's continuously brought this up as a stick to beat you with.

He says it's because he's jealous and you need to get over it.

Is that right?

In what way is he bringing it up? Is he calling you names? Making comments? Shaming you?

It sounds like he's hectoring you.

You need to control yourself and you need a divorce. Why you married him is beyond me. Massive mistake.

Just leave
This whole situation is seriously horrible depressing to read about, so god knows what it’s like to be in
Just all round toxic and awful.
There is never an excuse for violence, and if you think someone is pushing you towards it, you get up and leave for ever. becuase in reality no one can push you into violence.

And I’ve been where you are and I resorted to extreme anger. I was never violent. But I should have left an awful lot sooner

By bullied I mean went through every single Facebook photo of my own, friends, etc and asked me about every single photo / man he had seen on photos. Demanded to know every single detail, went over and over and over it using all info in rows. Telling me I hide stuff and I am sneeky etc.

This was at the start of the relationship, he no longer does this but I don't think I can forgive him for what he did! I think I get so angry because I feel attacked for what he did years ago, I always try and explain and he brushes it under the carpet. Then he says I am crazy or a psycho for shouting at him but in a row I always resort back to how I felt when we started the relationship

Thank you for all your comments they are really helpful x

You answered these questions at the beginning of your relationship and went on to marry this prick.

Ah OP.........get the hell out.

He is a freak.

Has he apologised and acknowledged he behaviour and it’s effect on you?

Please do not bring children into this relationship.

The only answer is divorce and therapy.
You don't want yo be this angry person do you..

And if you stay with him nothing will change

Is this how you want to spend the next 40-50 years? Except it will get worse as more stuff will trigger you and more shit makes him a bigger dick.