I can't control my temper around husband!

[Hannahbanana1986]

Just what it says in the title, I am generally a passive person and open to others opinions I tend to go with the flow etc but my partner just seems to push buttons I did not know were there.

I am laid back as a person, but if my husband (we have been married only a year, together 4) says certain things I cannot control my anger. We had serious rows at the start of our relationship when he decided he was entitled to know everything about my past, he didn't like what he heard, tough because he asked so I told him. As far as I am concerned if he didnt want to know he shouldn't have asked. My friends say I shouldn't have told him but he was extremely persistent and almost agrrwisve with it, I felt telling him was the best option, maybe it wasn't. But however firm I was at the time, I think letting him in like this may have affected us in ways I may not even realise. I almost let him question me about everything I'd ever done before him.

Now, it can be a minor row but as soon as we start bickering I just see red. I may relate it to stress I don't know but I turn into an absolute volcano and can't control myself. Which he always points out whuch makes it ten times worse. He hasn't mentioned past men/relationships in a few months now but I just don't think I can get over what he has done which is why I use any excuse to just blow up at him. I have told him all this, he says he was jealous but I need to get over it and I have taken it completely out of context. I have tried to tell him how it made me feel and it is still an issue. He says it shouldn't be it was just him being silly and jealous. He made me feel so bad at one point I felt like I needed anti depressants I still worry I may need them as it just made me so confused and hurt my head so much I couldn't concentrate on anything else. I think I turn back to this state in a row and I don't know how to stop it.

Sorry for the ramble but I feel lost and really need some advice. I have had hypnotherapy and the hypnotherapist said it is all a game and I need to stay calm or I loose instantly but this is great in hindsight but a waste of hundreds of pounds as I feel no different.

Thanks in advance

@hannahbanana1986 I was with someone just like this when I was in my early 20s. It was horrible, demeaning, made me anxious... you're not based in Hampshire are you? I understand why it affects you and I don't think it's healthy. He won't have magically stopped being a twat.

What do you row about now?

Is it after he asks you something?

Pack your bags today. Go to your parents or a friend
And stay there FOREVER.
You really don’t have any other choice.

He’s an abusive POS- He will use your “past” against you for the rest of your life if you stay with him. You’re blowing up at him because you’re (rightly so!) resentful and angry at him! He has NO right to ask you about every man he sees in past photos etc- he’s an insecure loser- get rid! X

Did this happen with previous partners? Do you think you have an anger issue generally or is it with just him?

However it seems like he bullied you into submission, to soothe his jealousy but also to make you feel inadequate about yourself. This went deep and hasn't healed.

This is probadly for a number of reasons. It triggered shame in you (which you can heal yourself) but it also damaged the trust that you have in him. You are now prepared to "fight" so that this doesn't happen again.
I guess you regret "letting" this happen but you have to forgive yourself. Very few of us know how to handle the situation when someone we love violates our boundaries.

It might be easier if you think of it as physical assault, each time you argue you think it could happen so you are preparing to defend yourself.

It is a very bad sign that he calls you crazy and psycho.

I don't know if this can be healed as your H needs to make a genuine and empathic apology and you will need time to learn that he is "safe" to be around. Maybe look up resources on abusive relationships, such as Patricia Evan's The Verbally abusive relationship, also Safe People by HenryCloud.

Living in the state of "fight" is emotional and physically unhealthy so you will need to find ways to handle your anger. Walk away or write a journal instead so that you learn to process the feelings..a good phrase is to stop and think "I am feeling angry because I need xyz" Find out what xyz is.

This guy has showed you who he is, you don't need to stay to see anymore.

Telling you that you hide stuff and are sneaky sounds like projection. Which means he does those things.

Regardless. You need to leave, you already know this or you wouldn't be posting.
Xxx

He calls you names "sneaky" and "psycho".
He judges you for things that happened before you even met him and makes you feel ashamed.
He minimises and dismisses your feelings - he was just being silly, you need to move on.

Of course you are angry. You have every right to be. He's trampling all over you and the anger is you trying to defend yourself. If he can't recognise that then you are on a hiding to nothing.

I'd suggest counselling for you at the very least.

Hannah get out of this shit situation.

I really recommend the book too good to leave too bad to stay

@Hannahbanana1986

By bullied I mean went through every single Facebook photo of my own, friends, etc and asked me about every single photo / man he had seen on photos. Demanded to know every single detail, went over and over and over it using all info in rows. Telling me I hide stuff and I am sneeky etc.

This was at the start of the relationship, he no longer does this but I don't think I can forgive him for what he did! I think I get so angry because I feel attacked for what he did years ago, I always try and explain and he brushes it under the carpet. Then he says I am crazy or a psycho for shouting at him but in a row I always resort back to how I felt when we started the relationship

Thank you for all your comments they are really helpful x

I have been in a very similar situation to the one you describe. I left and now I do not have a "volatile temper" anymore, like I never did before. He is goading you. As others have said your temper is your resposibility, so maybe think seriously about leaving.

went through every single Facebook photo of my own, friends, etc and asked me about every single photo / man he had seen on photos. Demanded to know every single detail, went over and over and over it using all info in rows.

Why did you allow this to happen? He's so controlling...that was very clear from his actions.

This relationship should never have progressed to marriage.

I'm not sure about your temper...because he just sounds bloody awful.

Are you planning to have kids with him?

He's controlling, passive aggressive & dismissive of your feelings, & seems to think that although it's acceptable for him to have a past, you were supposed to remain relatively "pure" until you met him. You need to control your anger. You are not good for each other. It does seem clear that he deliberately goads you into losing your temper - don't let him. Ideally, leave.

What happiness are you getting from this relationship @Hannahbanana1986?

There doesn't seem to be any joy from the tone of your posts. Why are you still with him when he's bullied you so badly in the past (which is where, frankly, I'd have left him) but he's bullying you still. Who calls someone they love crazy or a psycho?

You do need to get away from him at least for a while. Get some physical and mental space and work on your own emotions and mental health, for your own sake.

Whether you return to him is your decision but I can't see why you would return to such an unhealthy environment. Wouldn't it be calmer just to call it a day and work on a more peaceful future? 🌹

It's not anger or bad temper making you lash out like this, it's fear. He's controlling and jealous. It won't get better, the most you can hope for is that it doesn't get any worse. I was married to a man like this. I'm not married to him now.

He is controlling/invasive etc, and calling you 'psycho' and stuff is verbal abuse.

You deserve better than this. xxx

OP this is why I was confused and thank you for clearing that up.

At the beginning of the relationship, he bullied you into telling you all the men you'd slept with but that was four years ago and you are now shouting at him about it. What he did was very wrong but you then chose to have a relationship and marry him.

It sounds to me as though you are using it as an excuse in order to scream and shout at him and when he asks you to stop, you tell him you can't because of what he did four years ago. He's not bringing it up now and he's not shaming you about it. You're bringing it up.

OP either get some help for your behaviour or get out of the relationship.

He is a controlling arse OP, get rid and you will not be angry.

Sounds to me like you are rebelling against his controlling attitude. Ok, he asked about your past, which is none of his business, but out of curiosity people do ask. The issue is more that he goaded you until you told him and now uses it against you.

It says a lot about his personality and none of it is good.

This just sounds very toxic all round. There were huge red flags at the beginning of the relationship and that should have been your que to leave. But now you are being abusive to him if you're blowing up at home and bringing up stuff he did years ago (not excusing his behaviour then but from what you say he doesn't focus on that now). You are an adult and are responsible for your action. If he makes you this angry you need therapy and I would suggest leaving and finding someone who doesn't poke the bear. You both have some responsibility in this.

Do you have any male friends you see now? I wonder if he doesn’t harass you anymore as you have felt like you have had to modify your behaviour and not see male friends, or be tagged in pictures with men on social media anymore. Is there an element of truth in that?