Do you pay for all your child's things at your ex's place?

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I get the legal minimum child support from my ex, and my DS stays with him about 3 nights a month. DS now has his own room at ex's flat, and I took several weeks out of my (self employed) job to plaster, paint, carpet, put in new door frame, etc and generally make it habitable (it was derelict - literally). DS now needs a mattress there. Ex paid for the bed (at my request) but says that I should pay for the mattress, out of the money he gives me every month, because that's what it's for. Not sure whether this is reasonable or not really. He earns 4 times as much as me, and can easily afford the new mattress - and it's for his flat after all. I have happily bought things like pictures for the walls, new duvet cover, etc. And of course I pay for all my DS's things here at home. How do others manage this - do you pay for all the furnishings in your child's room at your ex's home? or does your ex pay?

Absolutely not!

My son doesn't stay overnight at his dad's yet because his dad doesn't have a bed for him. If he asked me to pay for it I'd laugh in his face. It's 100% HIS responsibility. Do not pay for a single thing you're not going to get any use out of!

No. I really can't find any other words. Just no.

Erm no!

Absolutely not!

Absolutely not.

He is having a fucking laugh.

I’m a stepmum, we decorated, bought all the furniture, books, gadgets, clothes, coats, shoes, trainers, boots, swimwear, weekend bags, everything they could possibly need. And DH pays over £900 a month in child support and spousal maintenance, and his ex works ft in a decent paying job. Because he’s an equal parent. Because this is their home too. Because they deserve to be comfortable, feel supported, welcome and loved.

Are you sure DS should be going to stay there? What’s the state of the rest of the house?

No way.

he saw you coming!!

Really??

Holy shit, that's some brass neck he's got!!!
No, you should not be paying for the stuff at your dc's dad's house.

We bought everything for my dc's and my partners dc at our house ( I left the family home so my dc have their rooms already at their dad's)

Don't get me started on the state of the rest of the flat! When I went to pick up DS a few months ago there was the distinct smell of dead rat. I mentioned it. I was told, "Well I'm sorry I live in a rat-infested hole but it's not MY fault". It was actually a pretty decent flat when he bought it but it did need work. That was 2 years ago. Very little work has been done. There was nowhere for DS to sleep, so I worked bloody hard to turn one of the rooms into a habitable bedroom. I had to buy a lot of materials. I did give my ex the bill and he did pay. In answer to my emailed request today for him to buy the new mattress, he says, "Shouldn’t you be taking it out of the money I pay each month for DS things?? Just a thought." The way he says stuff always makes me feel kind of guilty - like, "Oh, of course, yes, he's right, I should pay". Grrrrrrr. This is why he is my ex!!!

Why on earth would you have decorated your ex’s place or buy a mattress.

DH (and I) provide, decorate and furnish lovely rooms for his children. Because they live here 5/14 nights. That’s just how things work. Neither of us would want his ex having anything to do with how our home is decorated or furnished.

Tell your ex to get lost.

Why do you let him walk over you and use your child as a pawn?
I’d stop visitations until he sorted his place. And certainly no overnights until there is a bed.

You ask why on earth I would have decorated a room at my ex's place. It's because he lived there for two years in absolute and literal squalor, and it was not in any way a fit place for a child to stay. But I really needed a night off from time to time. I needed our DS to be able to stay with him. I kept asking him over and over again to either take some time off to get the flat done up, or to pay for someone else to do it. Two years later, all he's done is the very tiny bathroom. It has literally taken him two years to do up a tiny bathroom. I knew that the only way that our DS's room was going to get done was if I did it myself. This is the way of things with my ex. If I don't do it, no one will! If I don't do it then my DS won't stay there. And he SHOULD be able to stay with his dad (and I need nights off - our DS has autism and life with him is intense). But there is a reason for my ex not to do anything with the flat. It's a deliberate statement. It says, "Look what you've done to me, you've kicked me out of the family home (not true) and so now I have to live like this". He's such an arse. I'm glad I came on here. It always helps me to see things a lot clearer.

I'd have said DC can stay there when it's habitable. And let ex get on with it, or not, his choice.

MMmomDD - there is a bed there. DS's bedroom is really nice now. Really lovely room and very comfy. I did in fact buy a mattress for him myself, but now I need it here at home to replace an old one (didn't think it worth explaining all this in the first post as it seemed too complicated!). So I am now basically just asking my ex to buy the second mattress. But he obviously believes that the child support that he (reluctantly) gives me should buy everything that DS needs.

But Ostanovka, I NEED my ex to look after our DC - preferably at least one night a week, eventually - so that I can have a night off!

Absolutely not! His house he can pay.

His child maintenance money pays for your ds when he is with you.

His reasoning is that it's my fault he's living in a flat because I "kicked him out of the house" (He has bi-polar I think, refused to get help, I was at wit's end, suggested trial separation, he had a fling, I was devastated, didn't want him back). He always always blames me for his situation, always will. He's an arse.

OP - very simply - of his house isn’t fit for your child to be there - and if the bed doesn’t have a mattress - I’d not send him there.
Instead - I’d apply to CMS to increase child maintenance as it’s calculated based on nights spent at each parent’s house.
And then - I’d sit back and watched how quickly all of these delays and inability to furnish his place disappeared.

And yes - I’d use the increased CMS to get a babysitter to have a break for myself.

Maintenance will have been reduced for the number of overnights to free up money for your ex to supply the things needed for when dc stay over so he should pay. It is difficult when you want your dc to be comfortable and happy there and I have ended up buying things for my dc because ex didn't after being asked but I would say there needs to be a limit and a mattress is definitely over what my limit would be.

He does have actually have a mattress there at the mo, and a bed! See my previous post.
Why are some dads so reluctant to pay child support? He mentioned the child maintenance service to a friend the other day and called them "fascists". Why do some dads not want to support their kids?

100% this is his expense not yours. The bare minimum he pays you is to feed your child and provide anything they need on a daily basis (as a single parent who has received the bare minimum from my ex for 12 years for 3 ever growing children I know from experience it barely covers what they eat and lunches and school stuff let alone uniform etc etc etc).

I understand why you have decorated the room as it is for your sons’s welfare and quality of life . Again this should have been his responsibility but I again know sometimes it’s just not worth the fight.

But categorically he is responsible for all expenses relating to your son at his property including clothes and toys and anything else he needs whilst staying there (including a new mattress). He has a bloody cheek. Put your foot down. I did as I was sick of providing stuff that never came back . Eventually he got the message!!!!!!