Husband blaming everything on me

[5fha]

Hi all, I've found myself in quite a mess and posting on here in the hope of reading some advice and/or moral support. I'm confused and very hurts.

I'm in a 15 year relationship (married for five) and it's been pretty good overall. I've loved being in a relationship, and he makes me happy the majority of the time.

Back in January my husband, who's usually incredibly close to his family, suddenly decided they annoyed him and that they were too demanding of his time (they all live about an hour away and ask to see us a couple of times a month, so not excessive). He also decided he was depressed at work and had no enthusiasm for his job anymore. I asked if he was depressed, he said no. I asked if he was happy in the marriage, he said yes, very happy. Anyway, this went on for months, with his family getting increasingly upset by him not wanting to visit or even talk to them once lockdown started. I felt stuck in the middle as I also wasn't entirely sure what was going on due to my SO's lack of communication.

This goes on until earlier this month when his brother decides to do an intervention and randomly pitch up at the house demanding answers as to why the family are being shunned. So they both sit in the back garden to talk while I sit upstairs, thinking this would be a good way to give them privacy and allow them to talk it out. A couple of hours later, his brother leaves and my SO comes into the house all smiles. He says it's all sorted and he feels massive relief. Awesome! I think. All that weirdness is now over.

Except it's not, as he then tells me that we need to sit down and talk. He then commences to tell me that he's been unhappy for 'ages' and the reason is me. I ask him what is it I've done exactly that's made depressed but all he says is "it's just the way you are". All this despite the fact he'd spent the last few months telling me I'm the best thing in his life, his rock, the only person he wants to see. He'd even said he wishes everyone else would leave alone so he could spend forever with just me! It made no sense. I asked what we do now, do we split up? But he said he doesn't want to as he respects his vows. I just need to change a few things about myself - what these few things are he couldn't say, and I'm still to this day none the wiser. I spent ages crying, but he got irritated with me saying that I should be happy for him as he now has all the family stuff sorted.

This was a couple of weeks back and he's all happy and being extra gushy with his family. He's also gone back saying I'm amazing and he's lucky to have me. I'm utterly fed up and feeling worse as time goes on. The way I see it, he was genuinely pissed off with his family for whatever reason but decided it's easier to throw me under the bus than be honest with them. But he sticks to the story that it was all caused by me stressing him out. And now refuses to talk about it at all.

Is this worth splitting over? I thought we were happy and very much in love. I know the obvious thing to do is to discuss it over, but as mentioned, he won't and it's eating me up and makes me feel worthless. Part of me says to go on as normal and hope this never happens again. The other says if he can do this then he doesn't truly love me. Sigh...

I'd say if you pull the plug on him and send him off to family rather than having The Talk his attitude will adjust in record time.

You simply tell him that if that's how he feels he needs to leave. He of course protests he doesn't but you stand firm and say "no I'm sorry your whole family thinks I'm toxic. That's just humiliating. You need to leave right now and I need to think where if anywhere we go from here."

And you completely refuse to engage with him until he apologises to you in front of his whole family and admits he made it up for attention.

Because he's being nasty about you to them and nice (ish) to your face and now your relationship with them is ruined. Where are you supposed to go after that? What about family events etc? No it's not good enough.

He needs to admit what he did to them in front of you and apologise to you in front of them. It's no coincidence you are his first girlfriend at 41.

Stand firm, do not discuss, tell, and put the consequences into action and keep them there until he grows up. No need to yell or cry (in fact don't).

Can I just repeat again do not discuss this. You tell him what he did and what the consequences are (he moves out you split) and what he can do to repair it (apologise in front of them and admit what he's done) and you say no more.

He's out and he'll think and miss you snd realise. And he will admit to them he was a twat - but you need that to be IN FRONT of you. If you discuss this with him he'll minimise and pretend snd they will all go on thinking you are toxic.

Once it's over I'd avoid them as well. But how bloody dare he. What a wanker!

As for you changing don't even think about giving that airtime. That's the biggest pile of shit I've ever heard 🙄🙄

So he doesnt speak to his family and decides to tell them it is because f you. The reason he is all back to normal is because it is all bulllshit. He couldnt be honest with his family so easier to blame you , tells you its you knowing you will not do anything and then continue as normal. Sorry but I would have lost the plot and told him to FO with his brother.

Sounds to me like he didn't have the balls to tell his brother the real reason for his behaviour, so blamed you. He then went onto try and 'prove' this by telling you he'd been unhappy etc. In some ways he's almost gaslighting himself as well as you. He's rewriting history to prove what he told his brother. This, I think is backed up by your bil going cold on you.

I'd be sitting him down and expecting a proper, honest reason for his behaviour. If he won't give it to you, then you might as well send him packing. Otherwise you'll end up not knowing who the hell you're married to, constantly worrying about when his next episode will happen, and what it will entail.

This reminds me of my ex. He had a number or problems in his life (work, sick parents etc) and he announced he wasn’t happy with me / our marriage. I assumed it was a midlife crisis because of all the other problems. He refused to go to counselling with me but we talked a lot, I apologised and acknowledged where I went wrong, and seemed to work through it. I was desperate for him to stay and he seemed affectionate, loving etc. 3 years later he announced he still wasn’t happy - even though I had asked in that three years and he had said he was - and he blamed everything on me and told his family how awful I was too. I feel he was depressed / had met another woman. I think he still is depressed - if anything more depressed than he was.

My point is that you can suggest they go to counselling, go to the GP, read relationship books but if they blame you and don’t look for anything inside them that might be a cause of unhappiness there’s nothing you can do.

Op, I’m sorry that you’re in this position. I would throw him out. If he wants to come back refuse to let him until you have been to couples counselling, it’s completely unfair how he’s treated you.

So he's not taking any responsibility??
How convenient
Start thinking what you want, hes got you hanging on a thread and playing with you.

Apologies for not posting sooner - I was caught up with dinner and washing-up. Ironically he's being super nice and affectionate this evening.
Thanks again for all your replies. It's made me sad to read that this behaviour isn't too rare and has happened to others... Why some think it's okay to treat other people, especially those they're supposed to love, so badly, I don't know. But it does sound like you're all out of these situations now, so that's really good!
I've been thinking and thinking and I do recon that him moving out, whether it be for a break or forever, would be perhaps for the best. Or at least just try and get him to be honest with me. If he walks I'll let him. I used to plead for him to stay on the odd occasion he did storm off, I'd promise things would get better, typical doormat behaviour. So I think he'd be shocked if I reacted calmly, agreed that him going to his family was for the best. He'd probably still go, but at least I'd have some dignity.
I have a lot to think about tonight.

Please stop him treating you like this. You don't need to change!! Stop tolerating this silliness, take control and tell him to sort himself and his relationship with his family out. If he's got depression he needs to seek help but you aren't going to tolerate this state of affairs any longer. Take control, don't tip toe around him trying to understand this bizarre behaviour. He sorts it out or he leaves.

@BlessYourCottonSocks

I'm really sorry, OP, but that would be the end of the marriage for me.

I'd be sitting him down for a straight talk and telling him You telling me that I am toxic and that it's all my fault has seriously damaged our relationship. It's no longer all about you - this is about me and how I feel, and I now no longer feel the same about you. Your behaviour has now caused major issues in our marriage and I don't honestly think this can be repaired. I think you need to understand I'm considering divorce as the only option.

And I would then leave him to consider this. He does need to face up to the fact that he's fucked up his marriage with his behaviour.
Meanwhile I'd be looking into the practicalities of separation.

I agree with this.

Who knows why he is behaving so weirdly. Could be mental health issues, sheer bloody-mindedness, unresolved stuff with his family, an actual unhappiness with his marriage and current life. You can't sort this out for him - he has to. What you can do it protect yourself and make sure you have a life and relationships that are nurturing, loving and make you happy.

Honestly though, the red flags raised by him telling you that his depression is your fault and if you only change some unspecified things about yourself he'll graciously put up with you would be too much for me. That way lies misery.

And I guarantee you he told his brother that you wouldn't let him contact his family.

It sounds to me like he has been behaving badly for years and you've been letting him get away with it. Time to stop.

What is your housing situation.

He's a selfish fucking coward that has totally blamed you for cutting off his family for these part few months ...

No wonder he's delighted ... he's escaped their wrath... and fobbed his family off with his lies and utter bullshit ...did he mention how much he hates his job... was that your fault too... I bet they are all now flooding him with sympathy and desperate pleas to leave you... whilst he'll be playing the martyr staying with you.. whilst you're falling over yourself helping him... fawning over his every need... He's WON...

FUCK THAT ... leave the pathetic cretin

What a selfish prick.
He's had you tip towing for years.

He actually sounds like a deeply unpleasant man who thinks of no one but himself.

I'd want him out of the house.

You need protecting from his head fxxking behaviour.

I agree with @BlessYourCottonSocks combined with @Vodkacranberryplease

He needs a dose of reality.

You may think you love him but I think he has damaged it a lot and you maybe happier without him.

Admin can be learnt.

Sorry OP, but he sounds like an awful twat.

You are worth 10 of him.

Protect yourself.
Kick him out.
Take time to think.

I think it sounds like you can get him to move out - so you should. Tell him you need time to think. We all know that is code for 'you have behaved like a serious arsehole' and in general men who are dumped will, after a period of weeks/months reflect and start to realise where they went wrong.

However if not dumped they don't because they think if it was that bad you would have dumped them! So they take the fact that you are still there as tacit approval of their behaviour.

This is horrible OP. I'd say it's verbal abuse. He thinks he can talk to you any which way and you'll stick around- he's taking you for granted, and using you to let off steam and feel better about himself.

If you boot him out don't let him wheedle his way back in- I think he'll just do it all over again.

your husband’s comments that he wishes everyone would go away & it could just be you & him don’t sound romantic...that sounds really unhealthy way of thinking personally.

On thing that jumped out at me is further back you said something to the effect of

“He’s too cowardly to tell his family the truth unlike how he is with me”

But he ISN’T telling you what’s wrong. He is still being a coward with you & not confronting or facing a supposed problem.

It sounds like he has thrown you under the bus when speaking to his brother that you were the problem & now is keeping up with this narrative to suit himself. That’s not love, or caring about someone reputation. He has slated you to his whole family who see super close & the “ride or die” “family first” insular enmeshed type. So he knows they will take his version as gospel without critically analysing his actual actions behind the words.

I also note you are the first person your husband has had a proper relationship with, which I feel is significant.

I personally believe your husband is not having an affair, but may be suffering from a case of “grass is greener” and dislikes himself, probably hates himself (as most toxic people do) and will do whatever it takes to soothe himself, including hurting the feelings of those around him who love him most.

I tend to think he does not love you deeply & needs a HUGE wake up call that his behaviour is unacceptable. He has labelled you a problem, with no apparant solution & refuses couples counselling - you must know that deep down he is refusing couples counselling because he does not want to share his real feelings & he would be pulled up sharply by a therapist for refusing to even tell his poor wife who has pandered to his problems for months what she has supposedly done wrong here.

So I think you have no real option here but to ask your husband to go back to his family. Let them deal with him 24/7 for now. Please stand up for yourself & show that this treatment of you is NOT ok

& even if he is depressed - well I have depression to (though bipolar type so different but feel can speak on depression issues here) - it does not sound like depression. He sounds highly manipulative, dishonest & a liar. Someone of weak character who is unable to look within himself to fix his problems & causing trouble within both his family & his marriage petulantly wanting to be the centre of everyone’s attention & concerns.

His family has obviously been hurting at being shut out. He must have known this would hurt them - but being cowardly won over

You feel hurt at having lovingly supported him through his self inflicted family dramas & now he has flipped the script & labelled you as the problem - but being cowardly to not actually discuss the problem - simply fed you excuses & lies.

He has done the same to you as his family.

THE PROBLEM IS HIMSELF

Please, consider a trial separation & take control of the reigns back - he is not the captain of your ship. I understand the concept of separation, even a trial one is scary & seems unfavourable - but right now you’re living in uncertainly, confusion, hurt and understandably resentment thrown in.

This isn’t how you treat people you love. If “just being yourself” isn’t enough & was such a problem for him that he caused a rift in his family & has said you contributed to his depression simply by way of your presence - Why is HE not wanting to be honest with you so you have an opportunity to fix this problem ? Why is he so happy now to stay when the problems remain? This means the relationship is still toxic & he should want to leave. But he doesn’t.

He quite frankly sounds incredibly toxic & this kind of chop & change / sneaky behaviour / stories that don’t add up & bold faced lies to your face are the hallmarks of someone with a personality disorder - not actual depression. Just know this. I think he has problems far beyond what you can help heal in him

He must be made to be out in the cold, face reality & only then will he have an opportunity to truly reflect on his behaviour - currently HE HAS RECEIVED NO CONSEQUENCES FOR HIS BEHAVIOUR. Every action has an action - you haven’t acted yet, you’re living in limbo, he needs to go.

HE should be the one demanding couples counselling too. It sounds to me as though he thoroughly (and quite selfishly) enjoys 100% of your attention all on him, without giving a jot about how his treatment of you has affected you.

Your husband doesn’t even care about your reputation within his own family....it’s so utterly self centred.

I hope you’re able to shake him up in some way so he can GROW UP!

Dear OP please do not allow yourself to be treated this way. It is not your remit in life to dance around others and adjust to their (changing) requirements. Relationships need kindness, honesty and openness and you are enough just being you. Set YOUR boundaries and send him back to his family while YOU decide if YOU want him and his blaming/avoidance/bullshit diminishment of you back. Probably not I'd say. Very best of luck with everything

Don’t let him play these games with you op. Boot him out to stay with his family.

"Dear OP please do not allow yourself to be treated this way. It is not your remit in life to dance around others and adjust to their (changing) requirements. Relationships need kindness, honesty and openness and you are enough just being you. Set YOUR boundaries and send him back to his family while YOU decide if YOU want him and his blaming/avoidance/bullshit diminishment of you back. Probably not I'd say. Very best of luck with everything"

This and other posts which have said similar. He needs to feel really uncomfortable about how he has treated you. At the moment, it's too easy for him to think it's all been brushed under the carpet and you can just pick up where you left off.

You're clearly ready to take charge of this situation and have said upthread that you are considering sending him back to his family and if he goes, so be it. That's the spirit, OP. Once he's realised he can't just say and do whatever the hell he likes in relation to you, he might start taking more responsibility for himself.

Good luck, OP.

Thanks everyone, a lot of what you've put makes a lot of sense. Good to know I'm not being over dramatic here.

I need to keep reading back on the posts as they help me feel that I'm better than this, that his treatment is wrong and I shouldn't allow it. I am so scared of being alone though. I like the whole idea of being married and the security it provides, having someone there, but I don't love this. Marriage should be a unit, but this whole thing has proven to me that I'm expendable to him (or at least easy to shit all over).

@Aquamarine1029

Suddenly "unhappy for ages", you are the problem, you need to change but he won't say how or why... Sounds like the beginnings of The Script to me.

It sure does.

Sounds to me like he didn't have the balls to tell his brother the real reason for his behaviour, so blamed you. He then went onto try and 'prove' this by telling you he'd been unhappy etc. In some ways he's almost gaslighting himself as well as you. He's rewriting history to prove what he told his brother. This, I think is backed up by your bil going cold on you

This.

He's an attention seeking coward. I'd be utterly disgusted with him personally.