How would you respond to this one?

[NoMoreDickheads]

So this is something my ex-dickhead said and I know we've established he's a twat etc.

But I'm in a phase of evaluating how I'm going to respond in future to times when I'm not happy with something someone says/does, when they cross a boundary or fall into deal breaker territory as a lover or friend etc.

This is one situation- I must've been feeling a bit down/anxious about something and so I messaged around some of my facebook friends saying I wasn't feeling 100% or something and would like some support (I would've put it better than that though, and I must've been not my best as I really would hardly ever do that.)

I'd had 'Bob' as a FB friend for about 9 months or something, and met him through a group we'd both attended weekly for years.

He replied:-

It is refreshing that you ask for your emotional needs to be met so directly, but do not be upset if some people do not respond.

I was pretty surprised at that as I thought it was rather cheeky. Don't get me wrong I don't demand anyone respond. But responding implying he wasn't going to respond and was implicitly making a point of his decision not to is rather ...'Bob' of him.

So, I've been thinking about how I would handle it if someone did something similar nowadays (hopefully will never happen as his character is quite rare, I've never met such a twat or whatever the narc is.)

How do you think you would respond?

I was thinking about 'I don't have friends that don't support me' but maybe that's not quite right? And then block as it's not a good sign.

I mean, I don't expect anyone to be my therapist or anything, but maybe an 'aww, sorry to hear that' if you say you're out of sorts is reasonable to ask of a friend or whatever?

Not to mention that the lack of support is one issue, the rubbing it in is another one.

Don't get me wrong, I'm all for people being able to choose what they do, but likewise I can choose not to accept some behaviours and tell them so or unfriend.

You're still looking at it the wrong way. You need to not be thinking about how to respond but how to have better boundaries in the first place so you don't get into these situations.

If you contact people you don't know well or are in a casual relationship with to say you're having problems with your MH and want support, you've been raped or are in hospital or whatever, the likely outcome is one of 2 things.

They think you have poor boundaries, a lot of problems and they want to step away. Or they think you have poor boundaries and are likely to be vulnerable and they can take advantage of that.

The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts, while the stupid ones are full of confidence.
Charles Bukowski

It’s a good mantra to live by! The intelligent ones who work on their self doubts - are the ones who smash it.

"So you think I should just have unfriended? It would be just for my self worth that I would make any comment."

I would say that life is full of moments where you come across things you don't like, and you must decide whether it's worth your headspace engaging.

Think of it like this. You try a restaurant, you don't like the food. You can choose whether to complain about it, or just decide never to go there again. I'm in the latter camp, I don't have enough energy to chase up everything and impose my opinion on it, I let it go.
My mother can't miss the opportunity to complain about someone's behaviour, the service in a restaurant, the food served etc. It's not that she's wrong, it's just that it's really tiring to be around.

What he said put him into a category of 'not worth bothering with'.

With every future interaction, listen long enough to let them tell you who they are and if you don't like them, tune them out and move on.

Put up boundaries so people don't have the access to be horrible to you in the first place. If anyone slips through the net block them and move on.

You're still looking at it the wrong way. You need to not be thinking about how to respond but how to have better boundaries in the first place so you don't get into these situations.

@WhereILiveIsWhereIStay Anyone can have some be rude to them once, no matter what their boundaries. Someone can call you something or do something- even if you had the best boundaries ever. What matters is how you respond to it, stopping it right there and saying it's not ok etc. Are you saying you never have anyone be unpleasant to you in any way? I assume that's not the case. It's not just this one situation where I was ill and messaged people, there have been a lot of situations where people have been unpleasant. I have autistic traits so sometimes people don't like my face or see me as someone they can bully. I can only try my best to get on with people and stuff. Before I used to try desperately to be people's friends/have them like me, and so I would put up with any old shit from people.

If you contact people you don't know well or are in a casual relationship with to say you're having problems with your MH and want support, you've been raped or are in hospital or whatever, the likely outcome is one of 2 things.They think you have poor boundaries, a lot of problems and they want to step away. Or they think you have poor boundaries and are likely to be vulnerable and they can take advantage of that.

Yes I am ill sometimes, I have bipolar etc. Had a rough couple of years but have hopefully now come out of that. There's no point blaming myself for stuff I did when I wasn't well. All I can do is try and take care of my health (which I do, more than anyone I know) and try my best.

Think of it like this. You try a restaurant, you don't like the food

@picklemewalnuts I get your point, but if (and I'm talking several blokes here or people in general, not just this one) people treat you badly it's not quite the same analogy. Nasty food is presumably not deliberate on the part of the restaurant. Nasty comments/actions are more analogous to a restaurant poisoning your food, as they are deliberate. But I suppose I get what you mean in that it demonstrates their general character.

Other than that quibble, I agree with your comment.

plus it gives the other person the satisfaction of knowing they upset me.

@Farting - True. I think I might go as far as unfriending them, for the boost. I've done stuff a few times recently to assert that someone isn't treating me in an ok way (mainly just blocking or unfriending.) I've found it's made feel more empowered/in control, and also it affirms to myself that I deserve to be treated well. You're right that even blocking someone like that would probably amuse them.

I'm glad you are feeling better, and looking for good strategies to keep you safer in future.

Most people have a veneer of civility or socialisation. As we see more of them we get a peek under the veneer to see what they are really like. Don't get caught in the trap of saying you know who they are, or that they should be better. That just involves hanging around longer. They may even try and prove you wrong (though they can't keep it up for long).

Vote with your feet.

Most people have a veneer of civility or socialisation

@picklemewalnuts Yes, and some of the real dickheads will even make a point of that they can ignore social norms/decency and empathy whenever they want. The red flags can come early with some of them and as I think you said earlier, we shouldn't ignore.

Hi all, have decided to 'see' (via Zoom) a therapist to try and learn to be more assertive.

It's not just my ex- he's just a font of 'good' examples. For instance as I mentioned in one of the first threads about him, I could be talking to him about something, finish a sentence, and he'd go 'that's good now my ' and I'd do it.

But there are many other examples with many people over the years. I even saw a therapist once, I was paying her £65 an hour. I was talking to her about something and she said 'haven't we had this conversation before?' And being me I said nothing.

I wasn't there so don't know for sure, but 'Haven't we had this conversation before' could be her attempting to draw your attention to a pattern that needed to change.

My therapist really wound me up, I found him hugely irritating. He didn't let me get away with anything, and drew attention to things I felt should be let go. He'd home in on insignificant details and ignore things I thought we were supposed to be working on.

He was very good. My discomfort was from the part of me that didn't want to change, that didn't want responsibility, that was so sure there was only one right way to do things.