Leaving, I think (hand hold)

[Name1234]

Name changed, but I've posted before.

My partner is emotionally and corrosively abusive and I finally think I've reached the limit today after he scared me and our two children.

I don't want to go into too much detail but after the screaming episode (where he was actually spitting with rage), and he tried to make me give me one of our young twins who I was protecting/comforting (they were upset and frightened!) and I said "no" he said "try to stop me, I'll fucking murder you". He's never been violent to me before but the look he gave me while saying this made me feel sick to my stomach.

I feel pathetic and weak, with a horrid mixture of fear and relief that this is the final push that I needed to go. But I'm hating myself already that I may chicken out.

I've put some documents aside that I'll need to take with me (but I'll need to still grab a few things). I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to leave in the early morning and bundle myself and the girls in the car in our PJs and just go, and hope he doesn't wake up.

What's holding me back entirely is that I'm paranoid that he'll hear and so physically stop me by not letting me take one of the boys with me. I know I'll be able to quietly slip out. but how do you tell that to not one, but two young toddlers??

Not really sure what I'm posting for other than for the sense that if I'm posting this out into the MN void then at least in saying it to "someone" so it feels more real so I may actually go through with it....

Call someone..anyone to meet you as u slip out so that they can make sure u get out and accompany you. They can just park nearby and at the time u ar leaving silent call them and leave the phone on so they can help..or wait untill hes snoring in the night and go then

I would do it in the middle of the night.

Pack the car up with everything you need as soon as he is asleep, then the very last thing you need to do is quietly carry them to the car and hopefully they will stay drowsy and not make a noise.

Whoever you are going to stay with (if anyone?) could hopefully meet you outside your house and ensure you get away safely?

I agree with the pp saying do it in the middle of the night. Less likely to hear you and wake up. Pack the essentials and take the babies last. Maybe put the deeper sleeper of the twins in the car first? Also have someone IRL aware of your plan so they can send help/come and help if it doesn't go to plan. Sending a virtual hug and wishing you all the best

We don't have many rooms at our place so I've hidden documents in bags their room for now, but now I'm worried that was a mistake and should have put them else where as taking the twins out last after getting docs in the car makes far more sense. Shit, I'm such an idiot, have to make things harder for myself 😩🤞

Is he going to work tomorrow?

www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/I-am-planning-to-leave-my-abuser

Thank you Hellokitty82, I have a place to go (family), but no he is not going to work tomorrow as we both WFH atm

Could you put the documents in the boot, but under the carpet where the spare wheel goes? So he’s unlikely to spot it?

Do you need food shopping? Could you send him out to get stuff tomorrow morning?? I'm just thinking what would be safer for you x

Just take your time and try to think clearly about the order in which you need to do things.

The absolute most important thing is getting you and the children away safely. Nothing else really matters.

That aside though, other things to think about only if you have the time and can sort it out without him knowing or waking...

Make sure you have cash or access to money in a bank account he can't access if at all possible.

Purse /bank cards

Make sure you have all of your passports just to ensure he doesn't with hold them or try to take them anywhere

Any important documents regarding your home/car/work/money etc that you may need for reference

Snacks and drinks for the car if you have a long drive

Blankets for the car as it will feel much colder out at night

Phone charger

Anything the children would really miss, comforter or special toys

Change of clothes for you all

Even if you just bung everything in bags for life and straight into the boot. Doesn't need to be organised.

Good luck! Don't back out, you've come this far and know you need to do it.

Get everything you need in the car first and arrange someone to meet you outside your house to help get the kids in the car with minimum fuss and as support in case there is any trouble.

Also turn off anything on your phone that might tell him where you are. Find my iphone, that sort of thing.

I wouldn’t go at night because you’ve no excuse then. Can you not tell him you are going to the shops or something?

Good luck to you sweetheart, i think babies out last is definitely the right thing. If you can't get anyone there with you can you at least make somone aware, say youll send a message when your about to go, if they don't get a 2nd message to say your out safe within a set time limit, they call the police?

@OntheWaves40

I wouldn’t go at night because you’ve no excuse then. Can you not tell him you are going to the shops or something?

Suppose it depends how controlling and suspicious he is, whether he might follow, whether she might be seen by someone...

I absolutely second getting everything in the car first, DCs in last and hopefully they will stay asleep. How many do you have to get into the car, your original post confused me a bit as you mentioned twins and then girls and boys (I may have read it wrong).
Definitely try and have someone outside to help you, and as back up just in case.
Good luck, you can do this xx

Oh op my heart breaks for you. I don't have great advice but I wish you the very best of luck. You've already taken the first step by making the choice to protect yourself and your babies and you can continue on x

I think if you can possibly time this better it would be do much less stressful and dangerous for example going to the shops fully dressed with the kids. Or 'taking them to the park'

Will he have a phase of being remorseful now he's been so vile? Enough for you to exploit so you can get out without him realising?

I would not count on two toddlers to not cry or make a noise in the middle of the night/early morning. Then there you are in your pjs and it's obvious and, well, it's not good.

Unless you can give them some calpol or whatever and carry them. But he might wake up. Very risky.

This is heart breaking to read OP. I'm sorry I don't have any advice for you, but take care. I hope you and your children get to safety very very soon

Can you blag some sort of clear out / charity shop run so he won't question you throwing a few random bags (of yours and the DCs essentials) in the car during the day, and then an errand/trip to the park/visit that explains the kids going out with you?

Good luck OP, please come back & let us know you're safe x

Definitely better to pretend you're taking them to the shops or a day out. Don't do the middle of the night unless he simply won't let you leave the house at all.

A thought; If he's the kind of person to check the documents before you leave then take clear pictures of them, email them to someone you trust and delete the pictures and sent emails from your phone x

Thanks all, I made it out safely to family. He's been messaging and being oddly calm about it all, but wants to meet in a few days to talk, so will see how that goes (although I can't see myself being okay about things).

Name1234 - I'm so happy you got away. I really wouldn't meet him in person. Do the conversation by phone if you have to do it at all. He is dangerous.