Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Panicking DH

37 replies

OakElmAsh · 30/06/2020 16:41

DH is a SAHD to our 2 DC (4 &6), I work fulltime (usually in an office from from home since Covid). He;s an intelligent, capable man, handles most of the cooking/cleaning/shopping/childcare when I'm working, we split 50/50 when I'm not ... all good.

Problem is, when there's any problem more serious than a mild issue, he completely looses it. We live in the coutryside, some cows wandered into our garden while I was gone out in an area with no phone service, and by the time I was back in service, I had 19 missed calls, and he was completely hysterical when i talked to him, and hadn't done the one sensible thing to do, ie call the neighbouring farmer, and only seemed to calm down when I had come home and handled the situation. He freaks out completely if the kids hurt themsleves, and can't handle more blood than a scratch. He overreacts at the slightest thing - like there's a small leak in a pipe, he's convinced we'll have to tear up the whole downstairs floor to fix it, and is panicking, before we've even had a plumber out to fix it.
If the door rings unexpectdly, he will always make me answer it because he can't handle it.
And while afterwards, he acknowledges that there was no reason to get up in a flap, while it's ongoing if i try to tell him he's overreacting, he goes off on one at me.

I'm sick of having to be the only grown-up around when a crisis hits, and starting to lose respect for him.

Has anyone ever had a partner improve at this type of thing ? Am I enabling him by handling all the stuff he can't ?

OP posts:
Arrivederla · 30/06/2020 16:43

Has he always been like that op, or is it since you had dc?

Aquamarine1029 · 30/06/2020 16:45

If he refuses to regulate his emotions and reactions, there isn't anything you can do to help him. It sounds as though you may do too much emotional management as it is. I feel for you, though. I could never tolerate a grown man behaving that way. It's pathetic.

FieldOverFence · 30/06/2020 16:47

Hmmm good question @Arrivederla .....before we got married/had kids, we had a pretty easy existance, no stress or worries really, we weren't homeowners etc, finances were fine (as they are now thankfully, one less thing for him to panic about). He would have been a bit fussy about some things, but it wasn't this full-on freaking out ... but TBH there wasn't an awful lot to get worried about then

TwoTribes · 30/06/2020 16:48

It kind of negates your opening statement that he is a capable man. Maybe you are enabling him but is it such a big deal?

Original poster
OakElmAsh · 30/06/2020 16:49

ah Crap, namechange fail .....

Hmmm good question @Arrivederla .....before we got married/had kids, we had a pretty easy existance, no stress or worries really, we weren't homeowners etc, finances were fine (as they are now thankfully, one less thing for him to panic about). He would have been a bit fussy about some things, but it wasn't this full-on freaking out ... but TBH there wasn't an awful lot to get worried about then

OP posts:
ejecoms · 30/06/2020 16:49

Do you think it is anxiety/panic? Especially as he is responsible for the DC, he feels more panicky.

Original poster
OakElmAsh · 30/06/2020 16:51

I suppose when I say capable, I mean that he manages all our household stuff / life admin / finances very well, better than I could. So in that regards he is capable. He also had a professional career before the DC, which was pretty easy going, but he did it well
It's just the unexpected that he's piss poor at handling

OP posts:
Original poster
OakElmAsh · 30/06/2020 16:54

@ejecoms - I don't know, possibly ? probably ? I have very little experience of close family with anxiety, so I've never seen it up close & personal, if you see what I mean.

OP posts:
Arrivederla · 30/06/2020 16:56

Has he seen anyone about his anxiety? Been to the gp or had any counselling?

I disagree with the pp who doesn't think it's a big deal - I think this could have a massive impact on all of your lives (especially your dcs).

Have you tried speaking to him about getting professional help?

Happyspud · 30/06/2020 16:57

Sounds like anxiety problems. Would he be open to a GP visit?

NoMoreDickheads · 30/06/2020 17:01

He is suffering from anxiety. He should see his GP, for your sake if not for his own.

Original poster
OakElmAsh · 30/06/2020 17:02

I'm going to have to suggest he goes to the GP, aren't I ..... have been putting off any conversaiton like that, as I think it will go down like a lead balloon ... he will barely go to the doctor if his arm is falling off Hmm

Anyone have any experience of treatment for anxiety helping you manage the unexpected better ?

OP posts:
BonnyWeeOne · 30/06/2020 17:02

I could never tolerate a grown man behaving that way. It's pathetic.

That's a horrific thing to say. Reverse it - a mother who suffers from anxiety and her husband calls her a pathetic mess, or some similar insult ... Acceptable? No I thought not. Get the fuck over this nonsense about how men are "pathetic" if they show signs of weakness or bad mental health. It's very damaging.

litterbird · 30/06/2020 17:04

He may have general anxiety disorder, GAD. Only a GP will be able to diagnose that. They will ask your husband a series of questions to determine this. It can be rectified with counselling and maybe medication. Its not an easy thing to deal with and it looks like your hubby is struggling at times with his anxiety. HIs reactions are a little over the top at times. Anyway, see if he will pop to the GP to see what's going on. Best of luck.

Aquamarine1029 · 30/06/2020 17:06

Does his "panic" only show itself when there's something he doesn't want to deal with and wants you to handle it?

MitziK · 30/06/2020 17:06

@OakElmAsh

I'm going to have to suggest he goes to the GP, aren't I ..... have been putting off any conversaiton like that, as I think it will go down like a lead balloon ... he will barely go to the doctor if his arm is falling off Hmm

Anyone have any experience of treatment for anxiety helping you manage the unexpected better ?

Yup. DP has a prescription for Betablockers for this.

I haven't had a phone call at work since.

Captainrachy · 30/06/2020 17:08

I am exactly like your husband, completely capable but catastrophise everything. And I mean everything. The examples you provide are very similar to things I would do and have done. It is linked to my anxiety disorder. I had a year of CBT and it is under much better control now, although I always feel a lot calmer and more in control when DH is here.

I would recommend the CBT, although be prepared to wait for an appointment (mine took about 9 months) or pay for private treatment. I know it doesn’t work for everyone, but if he recognises there is an issue and he is willing to address it, that is a step in the right direction.

mrscatmad31 · 30/06/2020 17:12

I have GAD and I would say it is anxiety, for me CBT helped massively

Original poster
OakElmAsh · 30/06/2020 17:14

@BonnyWeeOne Thank you, you're right ... I'm trying my damndest to not let my frustration with his reactions turn into a value-judgelent on him (though I'm not manaigng that 100% of the time)

@Aquamarine1029 No it's not manipulative like that thankfully

@MitziK @Captainrachy @mrscatmad31 thank you !! really glad that treatment can bring some benefits, that'll help me convince him to get to the GP. @Captainrachy can I ask how your DH feels about his role/presence in helping you be calm & in control ?

OP posts:
1235kbm · 30/06/2020 17:14

Has he undergone any trauma OP? Was he in the army for example or a car crash?

FieldOverFence · 30/06/2020 17:19

@1235kbm no, nothing like that. When I think about it, his mother is always very very panicky, and his father dances around to make sure she doesn't have anything difficult to handle ... so there's maybe a genetic disposition there

Original poster
OakElmAsh · 30/06/2020 17:20

@1235kbm no, nothing like that. When I think about it, his mother is always very very panicky, and his father dances around to make sure she doesn't have anything difficult to handle ... so there's maybe a genetic disposition there ... and a previous example of someone enabling it ....

OP posts:
Couchbettato · 30/06/2020 17:20

Yes sounds like anxiety. Both my partner and I have had prolonged periods of anxiety (eg. Years), at different times and when we each dismissed that our own symptoms were anxiety it was tearing through our relationship but when we each got medicated we were back on track with each other.

BonnyWeeOne · 30/06/2020 17:21

OakElmAsh my little rant wasn't really aimed at you, I can see how frustrating it must be. But try not to let the masculine vision of what you expect from a man cloud the way you react, he's only human and anxiety is so debilitating.

TheFabledSnake · 30/06/2020 17:23

Chiming in to say GP. I was like this, GP diagnosed me with general anxiety disorder and I attended CBT which helped stop me catastrophising which it sounds like your husband does.
Best of luck to you both

Swipe left for the next trending thread