Panicking DH

[OakElmAsh]

DH is a SAHD to our 2 DC (4 &6), I work fulltime (usually in an office from from home since Covid). He;s an intelligent, capable man, handles most of the cooking/cleaning/shopping/childcare when I'm working, we split 50/50 when I'm not ... all good.

Problem is, when there's any problem more serious than a mild issue, he completely looses it. We live in the coutryside, some cows wandered into our garden while I was gone out in an area with no phone service, and by the time I was back in service, I had 19 missed calls, and he was completely hysterical when i talked to him, and hadn't done the one sensible thing to do, ie call the neighbouring farmer, and only seemed to calm down when I had come home and handled the situation. He freaks out completely if the kids hurt themsleves, and can't handle more blood than a scratch. He overreacts at the slightest thing - like there's a small leak in a pipe, he's convinced we'll have to tear up the whole downstairs floor to fix it, and is panicking, before we've even had a plumber out to fix it.
If the door rings unexpectdly, he will always make me answer it because he can't handle it.
And while afterwards, he acknowledges that there was no reason to get up in a flap, while it's ongoing if i try to tell him he's overreacting, he goes off on one at me.

I'm sick of having to be the only grown-up around when a crisis hits, and starting to lose respect for him.

Has anyone ever had a partner improve at this type of thing ? Am I enabling him by handling all the stuff he can't ?

Yes, sounds like you're repeating the family of origin dynamic. It's learned behaviour he's copied from his mother. His father took on the 'manly' knight in shining armour role for the little lady. When really he enabled her.

You're enabling him OP. He's catastrophizing which is usually treated with a course of CBT. Another way of dealing with it is to gradually get him used to the catastrophe which in much the same way as you'd deal with agoraphobia. Stay with him while he calls the plumber to deal with the leak for example. Let him do the call and sort it out. Another strategy is mindfulness, so he is aware of the feelings he's experiencing before he reacts to them. Headspace has lots of guided meditations and courses he might find useful.

@OakElmAsh my DH is the calmest person I have ever met. The total opposite to me. Nothing phases him. He has a very caring nature and so has no issues with his role in peeling me off the ceiling when I need it.

He used to just tell me to calm down and say it is ok or don’t worry but that didn’t work as when I’m spiralling I don’t listen. I discussed this in CBT and the therapist gave me some techniques that he could use to help, for example, taking me out of the situation, distracting me, talking to me in depth about the concern/worry (if I want to), he also helps remind me of the techniques I learned in CBT (sometimes they go out the window and he has to reinforce them for me). Distraction probably works best for me. And sometimes a large glass of wine.

Oh gosh OP definitely sounds like anxiety, I’m hyper vigilant, I panic and think of the worse case scenario and then I’ll spiral, it’s awful and escalates so quickly!
I did a CBT therapy course, it can really help people with anxiety but there’s a lot of different options as it does depend on the individual so first point of call would be a visit to the GP.

@Captainrachy I wish I was more like your DH... I keep a cool head pretty easily, but I find the weight of having to manage the situation, and manage him, hard to carry

If he won't go via his GP, you can usually self refer to IAPT. I can't remember it's full name, intiative to accessing psychological therapy. There should be one in your local area. He might be more GP happy. My partner was much more "give me the pills" then willing to talk at first.

My partner did a group CBT based anxiety course through IAPT and it really helped him. They often have online versions as well (or they do in my area). It was hard not to judge him especially as he'd been the strong one but it really is like being hijacked. Anxiety can knock all the rational parts offline and afterwards all the solutions seem so obvious.

I agree it sounds like bad anxiety. The problem with him, as a sahd, not getting help is what if his panic and inability to manage "anything more than a mild issue" or anything "more serious than a scratch" is the danger that exposes the children to. Hopefully he will agree to ask for help.

I agree with all those that suggested counselling. It is a big deal and your children will pick up on his anxiety and it may affect them. My mother was and still is a highly anxious person. As a child she had me terrified of life and I went through a period of being a hypochondriac, which was my way of dealing with it. It was a horrible period in my life.

19 missed calls is a huge overreaction and should not be minimised.

Have you sat down with him after these panics and walked through what the situation was and how he could of reacted better? I realise that may be annoying but think of it as coaching someone at work.

@BlueJava yeah I have done actually ....and he always says he overreacted, and next time he'll do bla bla bla .... but next time, in the moment, he doesn't have the tools to acknowledge what's happening and work through it ... I think this will require more help than I can provide. In the moment too, I don't always have the patience to talk him down off a ledge .... I sort out the issue, sort out the kids, then afterwards I'll try and talk to him

My biggest worry, as PPs have rightly pointed out, is the DC - that something will happen when i'm not around/available and he won't handle it well, and that they'll repeat the cycle themselves ....so by hook or by crook he's going to have to get help

EMDR can help with anxiety. You can get a therapist or learn to do it yourself online if therapy is too expensive.

EMDR is not appropriate at all.

This sounds like me :(( my husband is the calmer one.