Why would someone do this?

[JuniperBerryIce4888]

I split up with my ex a while ago as we were arguing a lot, I recently found out he had cheated as well. I sent him a few messages in anger calling him a liar, cheater, gaslighter. I wish I hadn't but I did.

Anyway, he messages me back with the longest list of every single thing I ever did wrong when I was with him. It's like the craziest thing I ever read. There are things on there that have nothing to do with him like my relationships with family members, he critisised me so much it shocked me. It's like he was saving all this stuff up in his head. And I have obviously blocked him.

I don't get it though, I can't get my head around it. I don't want to give it any more headspace so just an explanation to make sense of it would be useful? I know it's hard to say without knowing him, but why would someone do that?

If I'm being oversensitive tell me, thank you.

He is just a horrible narcissist op. And his ego is damaged that you chose to walk away. He hates you and wants to cause you pain. Hense the list of of all your 'faults'. Its bile. And showshim for the abnormal, emotionally stunted nutter that he is.

Delete and block him. Let him think he had the last word, it might make him more inclined to leave you the hell alone.

You'll never understand him because he isnt like you. You are a normal, empathetic person. And he is an empty robot, pretending at being a real boy.

You know how you feel awful and you're dwelling on all the horrible things he said about you?

That's what he wanted. He wanted to hurt you, wanted you to wake up in the night thinking about the things he said, wondering if he might have had a point, if there was something you could have done differently, wondering how he could have got things so wrong.

All this headspace you're giving him is basically playing into his hands. He wants to reduce you. To know in his own head that you are now suffering.

Print out that email he sent you. Take it outside. Then burn it. You can chant 'take that, you fuckwit' as you do so, if you like.

Then forget every single word of it and go and live your life happily. It's the best revenge.

If you’re so awful why is he so clearly desperate for your forgiveness why does he want you back?

I was married to a really really vile specimen, when I divorced him he went around lying about me, or telling half truths, then he threatened my family to try and intimidate me to stop the divorce. His response to the divorce petition was she’s basically a list of belittling me and painting me a crazy bitch. He ended his response with but there’s no reason for a divorce it’s nobody’s business 😂😆😂.

I was briefly terrified the judge wouldn’t give me a divorce but I got it easily.

He’s then spent a decade following me around wanting to know about everything about my life. If I’m so awful. Why?

Your ex sounds very similar.

Personally I've found it useful just to understand what was going on, too - but also to refuse to accept his rewritten history. So if I think about what he said about how we met, instead of feeling sad, I remind myself that that is not how it was: I remember what happened and I reject his shitty version. I will keep the story of our first date as an exciting, adventurous episode in my life, thank you very much.

Don't let him spoil your nice memories by taking his doctored version seriously.

This you need to let these people back into my life and extend an olive branch and I know what I have done to you is worse than what you have done to me, you need to stop hating me. Please show he wants your forgiveness, possibly only for his own ego though because decent people don’t have ex’s who hate them.

You’ll never understand him, you’re not like him 100% this is the conclusion I had to come to about my ex.

You’ve done absolutely nothing wrong!! Ffs how are you expected to react when you’ve found out you’ve been cheated on...believe me I did a lot worse (and don’t regret any of it!)
Others are right, he’s a complete dick and he’s trying to find a way to justify (especially to himself) his actions.
Look up “Chump Lady” some really valuable stuff on there to help you get through this.
Big hugs and keep remembering, you are the good decent person, he is the one with the morals of a rat.

saying everything we did , everything we ever did was because I pressurised him and he never wanted to
Oh me too. The marriage and two children were something I made him do using my wily womanly ways. Pretty sneaky of us, huh?

@Bunnymumy

I know you're right, I really do want to let this go, and it's not the first time I've been stunned at how low he can go. I suppose it's just because I don't believe someone would go so low, I can't understand it so I have to ask and ask until it goes into my head. I'm so lucky I had the time between the actual breakup and then finding out about the cheating and then the email. I am lucky to know what I know now .

He's deleted and blocked , well I've actually deleted everything but that email. I know it sounds crazy but I'm just making sure I never forget what he is capable of hurting me with before I delete it.

@Zaphodsotherhead

I know you're right!!! I am desperate to let it go that's why I posted and obviously I've just used it as a way to spill everything I think so it's been brilliant for helping me. I'm a thinker , and I would never have let this go completely until I could neutralise it somehow with reasoning. I feel a lot better and a lot calmer . Funnily enough though, the email hasn't hurt my self esteem that much, I know that a lot of what he says I am just isn't true, or if it is he's made it much bigger than what it is. I kind of like myself actually , and I don't want this to hurt that. I worked a long time to get there.

I'm just sad that he never ever saw what I was (that I loved him) , or if he did see it then he was happy to override it to meet his own needs. Something like that.

Thank you. It has reduced me, but not nearly as much as he wanted it to, and I judge him more for sending it, than me for being so damn imperfect.

@frazzledasarock

Lol, he does have an ex wife .... and they split just 10/12 years ago...I'm trying to think.... If you lived in a town starting with N when you met him send me a message.

Thank you for your message it is really kind of you, I keep wanting to ask him stuff like that, like if I'm so bad why are you asking if we can go back or I want to send a message defending myself from the email or just want to be angry but I will never, ever contact him again.

Although we had talked about getting married , Ultimately we didn't. I dodged a bullet. Yeah!

@ravenmum

The thing I kind of understand now though, was that he has talked about every single ex in the context of " I don't know why I married her, went out with her , slept with her". He has been manipulated into every single relationship he's every had! I didn't realise that I was also duping him into being with me! I really didn't mean to! He's such a catch, him and your ex both. We just couldn't help ourselves really. Manipulative , wily foxes that we are.

I don't have good thoughts of our time together now, but maybe in time I will be able to. I'm kind of just relieved it's over. I'm starting to believe that now. It's starting to sink in.

@TropicalSun

I really don't like not understanding things, I don't like confusion. I will ultimately be letting it all go , and very soon. Drawing a line under it. We are just different specimens, never destined to be together. Thank God! And thank you

@Cloudyday123

Oh thank goodness, I have felt really bad when people are like "well what did you expect, you attacked him first". He cheated on me for months, he lied to me at least dozens of time, we were in a relationship and he did gaslight me (I understand gaslighting). I'm like, what? People just go "oh, well, let bygones be bygones". Have I entered the flipping Twilight zone? I was angry as hell when I found out. Ex or not. It still hurt a lot . Actually though the hurt of that is easing really at an extraordinary speed. I'm a lucky woman and I dodged a bullet .

I will look up chump lady . Thank you .

And I'm imagining what you might have did, I'm imagining what I wanted to do at that moment (imagined not actually did before everyone judges me), it was not physical damage to him but he really likes his car ...

@Ruralbliss

I'm looking up narcissistic injury and related stuff just now, thank you. I will give you an update when I've got a hold of it. It takes me a while .