Why would someone do this?

[JuniperBerryIce4888]

I split up with my ex a while ago as we were arguing a lot, I recently found out he had cheated as well. I sent him a few messages in anger calling him a liar, cheater, gaslighter. I wish I hadn't but I did.

Anyway, he messages me back with the longest list of every single thing I ever did wrong when I was with him. It's like the craziest thing I ever read. There are things on there that have nothing to do with him like my relationships with family members, he critisised me so much it shocked me. It's like he was saving all this stuff up in his head. And I have obviously blocked him.

I don't get it though, I can't get my head around it. I don't want to give it any more headspace so just an explanation to make sense of it would be useful? I know it's hard to say without knowing him, but why would someone do that?

If I'm being oversensitive tell me, thank you.

And obviously a lot of people have given me exactly what I asked for, understanding. Thank you to all of you that have .

Tonight when I go to bed I'm letting it go.

If you find it stays on your mind for a while, that's ok. After someone's said stuff about you, it's natural to dwell on it for a while/for it to pop back up. It can take time for its emotional impact to lessen.

Just in the name of god don't message him again, even to slag him off. I don't think it would help, and he'd probably get off psychologically on having upset you.

My ex did the same thing, listing all the bad things that he could think of about me, from the first moment we met through our 20 years together, twisting what had happened and making everything out to be awful and my fault. For example, our first date was extremely eventful and memorable, and he asked me on it very formally, but he described us as having somehow drifted together by chance, over time, with no real interest, basically having nothing better to do.

He didn't tell me this, however; he wrote it to his OW and I read their emails.

They do it because of cognitive dissonance. www.emotionalaffair.org/psychology-excuses-for-infidelity/
They believe they are good people, and don't want to feel like nasty people, so their subconscious looks around for reasons why they would treat you badly despite being so nice. Why would a nice person cheat? Because the relationship was bad. And the ex was horrible.

This is textbook for someone who cheats. They rewrite history in order to justify their behaviour to themselves. It's incredible. He cheated and, in order to lessen his guilt, made it your fault. The arguments at the end were also due to cheating. They do that as well for the same reasons.

In his mind, he already had all the reasons lined up for why he was cheating that's why it's come out in a list. It's just deflection and refusal to take responsibility for his behaviour.

I had this. I agree with the assessment of previous posters that it's their failings that are being validated by their counter list of why you are also as rubbish as them.

My ex husband was an abusive narcissistic fuck who I put up with for 20 years then eventually chucked when he assaulted our young son AND was conducting a romantic attachment with another woman. He then went on to abandon our three kids in favour of the new woman's three and his mid life crisis (new druggie chums, tattoos, raving, marathon running) and I told him what I thought of him.

What came back was 'Your shit doesn't smell of roses' (delightful) and a long list of how controlling and abusive I had been 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

They're dickhead weirdos. Lucky you for being able to block and move on. You didn't cheat - he's in the wrong and handily deluding himself so he can sleep easy at night.
My ex hates me with a passion despite my raising his three kids with no input from him and excusing his utterly crap behaviour since 1995!

Look up 'narcissistic injury' as might be helpful - any damage to their super fragile egos results in release of huge wrath.

You can't fathom a deranged mentalist.
I try not to think about him or the past too much. Seems to work.

Yes, they start rationalising like this before they even have the affair, so by the time you arer ready to chuck them out, they have all these arguments down pat and can just reel them off.

@maudspellbody I completely agree!

Reminds me of a good piece of advice I once had - don’t accept criticism from someone you would not go to for advice.

Hope you’re ok.

Oh yes, it's to make him feel better. 'But you did this...' - Well, you didn't cheat, and he did. Ner.

I'd have probably sent a string of laughing emojis back and this:

'Translated: you wanted to get back with me (remember that?) and I said no. God, you really need to get out more. Bye, cheaty loser crap-fuck!'

Thank you everybody so much.

I've just lost two long messages and dropped my ingredients for tea on the kitchen floor so I'm not having an easy last hour but I have got to say , the fact that people understand why he did it and those reasons seem to mean that it's a one off and not likely to happen again have made me feel calmer already.

So, a question on cognitive dissonance, I don't entirely understand the idea , except ... When you have cognitive dissonance you can hold two opposing views at the same time? ( I think I've heard of this in a political debate? , But I didn't understand the concept).

So he doesn't have it , so I'm either all good or all bad? So now I'm all bad and I was all bad when he cheated as well, this helped him to cheat as I was awful?

But when I sent the messages to him I was just like angry and thinking cheater, liar etc.... So does that mean I'm as bad as he is?

I'm going to keep coming back, I've tried to write messages with individual responses but I keep losing them .

I've misunderstood cognitive dissonance, it's when a person holds opposing views which leads to discomfort.

So if someone thought they were a good person (he definitely thought this) and they also wanted to cheat then as "good people don't cheat" this would lead to cognitive dissonance.

So he had to change it somehow to "my partner is so bad a person that she has forced me to cheat". (Ignoring totally the option of splitting up entirely.)

So how does he work out he is justified in his cheating? By listing all the ways I am inferior and awful, probably repetitively. I get that now, it makes sense...

Hence the arguing towards the end as well. Projection. You were now the reason for the cheating.

He cheated, cheating is vile. Still there’s no need for you to send him abuse for something that’s in the past when you could have just let bygones be bygones. What were you hoping for? Very few people are able to own up to their mistakes. They need a scapegoat, an external factor … that exonerates them. In every area of life; “I could have become …. but” ... . In most cases you have nobody to blame but yourself (e.g: you lack the talent). He obviously thought it was necessary to create a reality where you were an annoying human being; that way it’s a good thing that you’re out of the picture. Obviously, he too shouldn’t have sent you that, especially the level of detail. Still it’s not that rare; the amount of people vilifying their ex while in reality the relationship was good at the time but then they use selective hindsight and start nit-picking.

At least you’ve both re-established you dislike each other.

Yeah , I am on a relationship forum asking for understanding on something that happened during and at the end of a relationship. If you can let bygones be bygones after someone cheated in you for months then really, good for you. You are a bigger person. However , that wasn't what I asked about.

@ravenmum

Thank you , I read that article and watched that video and it was really , really helpful to me. I am so sorry for what happened to you , that sounds like all sorts of awful and after 20 years. It's all just incredibly depressing and awful that people you would have trusted with your life were capable of just changing like this. It's a part of life I wish I didn't have to know. I'm sorry.

Now your apart your free of him make it stay that way and his guilt has
revealed the truer part of himself.

You are who you are and don't question what he said, everybody has something that makes them different or else if everyone was the same life would be boring.

@NoMoreDickheads

If he had said back something like

" You're a complete bitch anyway, I never could stand you. I'm only talking to you because I felt sorry for you and you can just fuck off". I wouldn't be here . I really wish I could just show the email to everyone but I know I would regret it.

Thank you . I appreciate your messages.

@1235kbm

It's just all so bloody depressing , isn't it. "I want to cheat on you so I will lower my opinion of you in order to be able to do that".

It's just wrong, I couldn't do that to somebody else, I know I couldn't.

It's no reflection on you, it's all him. It's horrible receive such a personal criticism of your 'faults' but that just shows what kind of person he is.

You could look at it this way OP. She did you a big favour because otherwise you'd still be with him and he's obviously a complete fuckwit. You could have bought a house with him, had children and he could have cheated on you then, rather than now. He obviously lacks integrity and he's determined to see you as the villain of the piece.

It was funny though, I have relatives that don't talk to me because I revealed childhood abuse, they cut me off basically. I texted them and they never replied. Anyway , part of his message was that I am so unforgiving and hard as a person to cut them off, it wasn't their fault I was abused and I needed to let these people back into my life and extend an olive branch.

He was there when this was all happening ! These people don't want anything to do with me! I have no idea how he could come up with that interpretation, he never was interested was he? It's all been very revealing , but I was thinking . How much does he hate me to come up with that? And is he unwell?... what's going on here? It makes more sense now thank goodness.

He also said a lot about personal things. Things I don't want to go into but saying everything we did , everything we ever did was because I pressurised him and he never wanted to. Every memory of that relationship is tainted now.

I know some posters are saying well "let it go" and "you both hate each other". I'm trying to let it go, and I don't despise him. I just want to understand this , and I'm so grateful.

@1235kbm

Yes, is it strange that I haven't really thought about her. I've only thought about him. Hypothetically I've always thought the only person you are with is the one who owes you anything. I don't know anything about her though, she could be completely oblivious to my existence for all I know really.

I suddenly feel like sending her a thank you card. And a commiserations card at the same time!

He is determined that I deserved it somehow I think , although he said the opposite.

He had paragraph upon paragraph of transgressions

You're moody and unstable
You're critical and difficult to please
You're hypersensitive and annoying

Line upon line upon line.

This day in town you did this, or that. Stuff that was rude or inconsiderate but I explained or apologise at the time . Just crazy stuff. It was like he's been taking notes or something.

And then at the end he wrote, I know what I have done to you is worse than what you've done to me, you need to stop hating me. Please.

I'm going to stop posting and I will look up narcissistic rage. Thank you everyone.

Just wanna say I completely agree with Maudspellbody.

He's scum, OP. He did something awful so he's pointing out all your flaws to 'explain' why he did it. It's not your fault that he's an awful person.

I completely understand your hurt and confusion. I have an ex who betrayed me and treated me badly at the end of our relationship, and it's awful. He's just deluded, and has portrayed you in a bad light so that he can live with himself and his actions by believing he is still a good person.

Sorry, OP. Big hugs. Time will heal.

@missbunnyrabbit

Thank you so much for that, it just made me cry.

I know a lot of people have a lot bigger problems but this was starting to really get to me, I'm so relieved and appreciative that people actually understand this and have talked to me about it.

I'm so sorry for your experience with your ex. Life should be better than this. It really should .