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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My ex and his threats. I'm pregnant.

32 replies

Bundleof2 · 29/06/2020 21:53

Backstory I'm 20 weeks pregnant. He is blocked on all social media, I've deleted every social media platform. We are not married and under no circumstances will be allowed at the birth and will NOT be on the birth certificate.

My ex would follow me around my flat, when I reached the room. He would ask me what I'm doing? If I did not respond he would get up and come to the doorway to check. If I was saying sorting the washing and I was not doing it when he come in he would say I thought you was doing the washing. Once I wanted to leave the room, he would stand by the doorway and I would always have to say excuse me please. It become worse during the pregnancy and I told him to stop it as i felt trapped and no where else to turn to.

I am having a c section. I have a son who is 4, previously had my mum accompy me to the operation. I want the same support. I had told him this weeks ago, he asked me again. He said well I'm going to miss out on the biggest day of my life and you might want to rethink that. I am obviously scared incase he shows up or starts before he is born.

I told him it's my choice and said he had never really asked about the baby or birth before. He was yelling saying he had no idea about appointments and thought I had no more until the baby was born. I'm using the child a weapon as I have all the information and dont give him nothing(I have messages from when I've told him as I've checked)

He also works within the care industry, he has stolen from work, told me information about the residents and joked he would be funny to take a photo and edit them(now I'm even more scared because I'm going out of my mind with worry he could do this to the baby)

I have not told a soul apart from my parents, my mum has often heard him on the phone saying things to me, I always have him on speaker due to his nature.

He keeps telling me the baby will be taken if I dont comply with him and no one would believe me because I have diagnosed mental health, the social services did get involved with my first child. The midwife has confirmed they are not getting involved as I'm no longer a risk due to my improvements(which I've worked so hard for and thank my darling son who has helped me in moments of darkness). He has told me the midwife, my parents, even the doctor WILL take my baby if I dont listen to him.

I'm due to speak to the midwife Wednesday and hopefully I will be able to speak to her about it, I even feel now if I do what he says will be true they will take the baby if I speak against him.

Can anyone give me advice on how what I should to protect myself and my child legally. Thank you.

OP posts:
LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 29/06/2020 21:57

You should speak to the midwife and tell her everything. Everything. That will start a paper trail. Also contact Women's Aid for support and expert advice. They won't take your baby because your ex is abusive, but it is really important that you involve your midwife to protect yourself from lies and threats in the future.

That means You should keep a diary and write down every single piece of intimidation or threats that he makes.

Don't tell him anything about the birth. When you go into hospital, tell the midwife in charge that the baby is abusive and might try to gain entry. They will protect you and he won't be allowed over the door.

Meanwhile, Are you safe? Does he know where you are?

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 29/06/2020 21:59

Meant to add, they won't take the baby if you tell the truth about him and engage fully with anything they ask you to do. He's lying because he wants to scare you.

Theresapossibility · 29/06/2020 22:03

Not sure about the legal side but please make sure your midwife knows about this domestic abuse. If you have messages keep these as evidence.

They will help you and protect you and your baby.

Someone will hopefully help with the legal side but have you got a domestic abuse support system through your council. Again midwife could probably help l. They will be able to advise you on what to do.

Social services prefer to keep babies with mum if safe to do so. You have a 4 year old who is still with you, this is a good thing.

If it helps I know of a young girl with serious mh issue, I am talking cutting, drink, suicide attempts etc. She has had 3 children and with support has been able to keep them with her.

He is trying to get into your head but you are doing the best and right things.

Good luck and I hope your baby arrives safely x

Sunnydayshereatlast · 29/06/2020 22:08

The only one who will be kept away from your baby is him.
Do not tell anyone when have the baby. Consider extra locks /someone stay with you initially... Register baby alone.
Be totally honest with mw. She can support you in keeping him away. He has no rights to your baby unless a judge gives him PR..

Aquamarine1029 · 29/06/2020 22:13

Block him completely. You are under no obligation to communicate with him. If he comes to your home or continues to harass you or your family, go to the police.

Bundleof2 · 29/06/2020 22:18

Thank you for the replies.

I am getting upset as I'm very scared of telling the midwife as she rung me a week or so ago and asked if there was domestic abuse(we had spilt up at this point) I said no, I thought it meant physical. Up until a couple of days I thought all this was normal.

I am not telling him the date of the section, I will register him as soon as possible. Only concern I have is he will come to the door and ask about him, i told him last time we spoke if he starts to harass me or message me I will get a restraining order. He replied what because I want us to get back together and work.

I fear for the future.

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 29/06/2020 22:21

The abusive ones always threaten to take the children. Always. Judges know that.

Don't put him on the birth certificate. Give baby your surname. You'll be the one doing all the work.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 29/06/2020 22:22

Your midwife will be used to this situation and she will be used to women saying there's no domestic abuse when there clearly has been. She won't be upset with you if you tell her now.

But you must tell her. That's the way to protect your baby.

Aquamarine1029 · 29/06/2020 22:23

You've got to stop talking to him!

Bundleof2 · 29/06/2020 23:09

@PicsInRed
Baby will be having my surname as my first DS has my last name also.

@LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett I feel on egde incase it gets blown back into my face and he turns it around on me. Midwife is very nice to me, non judgemental. I do have a mental health midwife but I have not spoken to her due to the bond I have with this midwife.

OP posts:
LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 29/06/2020 23:28

I know it's scary. But he's convinced you he has all the power and actually he doesn't. If he tries to turn it back on you, your midwife will have your back. You don't have to keep his secrets, you know? And there are lots of people who can help you - your midwife will also be able to signpost you to help.

Have you heard of the Freedom programme OP? You can do it online and I think it would really help you get your head straight.

Bundleof2 · 29/06/2020 23:34

@LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett he makes me very anxious as I dont know what is the truth or fiction anymore. The midwife could say all nice things and plan to take the baby away. I'm so scared and frightened Sad.

I have not heard of that but I'm going to check it out right now as I'm feeling very restless and agitated. Thank you

OP posts:
Sunnydayshereatlast · 30/06/2020 10:13

The mw is there to support you in being a new mum not to take your baby from you. Take a deep breath and decide to trust her op.
You don't have to open the door of he turns up. Ring the police if he gets aggressive.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 30/06/2020 10:57

The midwife doesn't want to take your baby away. I know LOADS of midwifes, their goal is happy healthy baby and happy healthy mum. It's as simple as that. But you don't need to take my word for this, you've had service involvement with your first child and he's still with you, isn't he? So you know, as a fact, that engaging with services doesn't mean your child will be taken. That's your ex's voice in your head. Please don't listen to him.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 30/06/2020 10:58

Could you maybe try and call women's aid today OP? There's also a national domestic abuse helpline, the number is 0808 2000 247.

Redred2429 · 30/06/2020 11:22

Op I think you need to report your concerns to the midwife to they will help you

Muppetry76 · 30/06/2020 12:41

OP what a horrible situation. How is he communicating with you at the moment? You need somehow to get all this in written form - email, text, WhatsApp, messenger. This way you have evidence of his harassment/bullying/abuse - and it is abuse

Tell your midwife everything. Everything. Ensure she documents that he is not to be given access to the birth or any details. Maybe a call to the police if he is coming to your home to threaten you - they can also speak to him about verbal/written abuse too.

Be strong OP - your dc need you!

Cherrysoup · 30/06/2020 13:47

Ignore his threats re having the baby taken off you: this is the script I‘Ve read a million times on here from abusive men. Get yourself out of there, keep safe.

sangrias · 30/06/2020 13:56

Ignore his threats. Inform midwife he is abusive and keep any evidence.

If it were me I would move away.

Bundleof2 · 30/06/2020 15:19

He isnt communicating with me. His mum message my mum via facebook. I have stopped contact, last time we spoke he told me I am not allowed to do this as he is entitled to know what is going on? He needs to know the date of the section also. Obviously I am NOT going to tell him this. He has put in for paternity leave but he wont be caring for me or the baby.

I will be going to my parents once I've had him as they are very supportive and will help. I am on the housing list for different properties within my area once I've moved I will stay there and not tell any friends only my family where I live.

I'm scared of leaving my home, he has always said he wont ever let me go, I'm his one true love. He has come to the door unannounced when I've asked for space whilst my son was there and told him it was not appropriate and told me he wouldnt leave until we had spoken. I have no other option because I was anxious and frightened Sad

OP posts:
mylittlesandwich · 30/06/2020 15:26

They would only look to take a child away from a parent as an absolute last resort. The goal is always to keep a baby with its parent. In your circumstance you have taken the necessary steps to keep your baby safe by getting away from him. He's trying to scare you in to doing what he wants. If you feel it would be easier to tell him when you're booked in then tell him it's a week or 2 later than it is. You'll be long gone by then.
Please please please tell your midwife. She will help you. That is all that she's there for. There's support out there for women in your situation and she can put you in touch. He's still got a hold over you and I completely get why but he's lying.

Aquamarine1029 · 30/06/2020 15:44

Tell your mother to please block his mum immediately. There should be no contact. None. Not in any way. Your mother needs to stop communicating with anyone connected to him.

Bundleof2 · 30/06/2020 15:54

I dont think the midwife would take him. Shes very supportive and kind. I am not contacting him after he is born. He will want to come and see the baby which is not suitable. I dont know if refusing contact will bite in the arse later on giving the circumstance but I certainly dont feel safe around him let alone him holding my baby.

My mum is going to block him and his family now.

OP posts:
Bundleof2 · 02/07/2020 21:46

Just an update, Spoken to midwife and she assured me its fine, told me it was emotional abuse and noted what was said.

I got the local number for domestic abuse, I will be phoning them tomorrow. Hoping I can get some more advice and help.

Would like to thank everyone for the help. You've all assured me and made me feel more confident I've done the right thing Flowers

OP posts:
Redroses05 · 02/07/2020 21:50

I would stop contact until you have had the baby and recovered. I would make it clear that any threats from now on you will be keeping the evidence and you will report him straight to the police if it continues. He sounds awful OP.

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