Is he having some sort of midlife crisis?

[Teatime20]

Long time lurked and name changed for this as it is outing.

Bit of background, been with my partner 9years. We have 4 children, 3 are his. We've had our ups and downs but always managed to sort them out. When we first met OH was quiet but worked in a well paid job. Looked after himself in appearance etc. A few years in and he was going out drinking every day and doing drugs, I issued a ultimatum and that was the end of it. Around 3 years ago he injured his foot and was no longer able to work in the job he was previously doing. We decided that I would go back to work. However after having my daughter at 18 I didn't have much work experience so I enrolled in a course to get a qualification and work experience within a role and at the end, I got a job. We were both happy with him being the SAHP and myself working.

We moved from our flat into a house last year and ever since he's been acting strange. (Not in a he's having an affair way as due to his previous mental health and drink problem, he doesn't go out much anymore).

It started with him obsessing over his foot, constantly talking about it, doing strengthening exercises. Then onto healthy eating and obsessing over a doing a water fast (he done a 10 day one and nearly killed himself in the process).
He doesn't use deodorant or anything anymore.
He has now decided he is going to write a book about his new found wisdom on the subject of what food we as humans should and shouldn't eat and exercise and he is now obsessed with this and also telling everyone how to live. (His dad and aunt have health problems) he tells them to ignore what the drs have said and do listen to him as he knows what he's talking about.
He doesn't wear shoes out anymore as they are "bad for his feet" this leads to me and the children being embarrassed and not wanting to go out with him.
He has now decided he is going to change his entire appearance with long hair and bread (viking look as he calls it) and wear linen clothes.

I'm confused as to whether he is having a midlife crisis! I can't speak to him about it as he will talk over me until I just give up and agree as it's boring the life out of me.

I love him and don't really know what I want people to say just has anyone else been in this situation and did you manage to stay together or did they eventually get back to normal?

Sorry it is a really long post, I've been going round and round in my own head for a long time about this.

Sounds very difficult for you. I wonder if this might be mental health related. Would he make an appointment with a GP, perhaps with you going along to support?

Wow so many typo's. Bread- beard

He won't see a gp at all. He is convinced they are in it for the money and make people ill with medication

He doesn't wear shoes out anymore as they are "bad for his feet" this leads to me and the children being embarrassed and not wanting to go out with him.

This isn't just a midlife crisis, it's ridiculous. IDK if you could call it 'just' a mental illness as such, but it's certainly daft. The shoes bit does stray into mental illness territory.

He probably wouldn't seek help for what's going on, as he doesn't see anything wrong with it, in fact he thinks it's right.

Have you tried spelling out to him the toll it's taking on your relationship/family life?

I've been through some weird phases and come out of it, but I suppose the longer it goes on the more entrenched it might get.

My husband was like this, against immunisations for children, vegetarian and telling children that fish is poison, won't take his own medication for thyroid issues and so on. We coped and stayed together for quite some years but this is not a healthy relationship and ultimately everyone suffers, including him. We are separating/divorcing now after almost 20 years of marriage. You need to start planning your way out of this.

Talking over you when you raise concerns is abuse.

He is convinced he is right about it all, I've told him that I'm embarrassed and the kids have made comments but it just seems to go over his head if it's not what he wants to hear.

You're trying to change someone who's not willing to change. What's in it for you? What's in it for the children?

That is my worry, how long this will go on and if I am able to stay and ride it out. The rest of our relationship is good, mutual agreements and decisions. Our children have had all vaccinations and he doesn't object to them seeing a gp but for himself he won't go. He goes through phases every now and then but they don't usually last as long as this has.

It's not that I want him to change as such. He's the one that wants to change

You need to be seeking help if only to evidence your concerns - sorry to sound cold but it sounds like an MH issue and if you split custody could be an issue if hes a SAHP. Call his GP and ask for guidance even if they just listen to you on the phone. Also if any of your DC are young enough, speak to your HV, they have usually worked with a lot of families and offer a listening ear service but again would log everything. It's so hard if he wont accept any help or can see that he is becoming quite ill.

Are you happy with him not respecting social norms (wearing shoes) as well as your views (talking over you)? Are you happy with him refusing medical advice even though his health has an effect on the whole family, so it's not purely a personal choice? That's what I referred to assuming that you'd want to change that. However you can only change it if he's willing to engage. Recognising the problem would be the first step and it doesn't look like he can do even that.

Linen clothes and 'healthy lifestyle' are his choices, and should be his choices, but you have to be honest with yourself with regards to whether you still find this man with these new interests attractive.

Conspiracy theories and depression go side by side, so be careful. Undiagnosed depression may take the toll on the whole family if left untreated and is likely to affect the kids too.

I'm afraid I think you need to catalogue this with your GP and his GP ASAP.

As the SAHP I would assume he could argue that you should get EOW if you split. Clearly you could fight that but you need to think NOW about the case you would argue and provide proof of his mental health.

I would advise you to see a couple of solicitors and get some counseling for yourself. I'd also assume for the kids you should be giving some serious private thought to leaving. How old are the kids?

I will try to speak to his gp and see what they say and will also contact hv.

The linen clothes and healthy eating aren't an issue was just to give a more description to the changes.

I have been out with him before and he put his shoes on, walked to the park and took them off for the entire time at the park and the walk home. People stare and comments have been made and it is really embarrassing for me and the children. I don't know if I can deal with that long term.

I think I've been waiting for him to move on to a new obsession so to speak and have now realised that this isn't going to change anytime soon.

It has definitely got worse since lockdown began although the shoe thing has been before christmas. I've encouraged him to see the dr and get a xray to look at his foot, thinking maybe he is depressed because he couldnt work but it's become clear he doesn't want to work.

I don't know if I can carry on with it all. I've been sitting thinking over my life and what I want but I honestly don't know the answer

I won't be leaving the kids. They are 9,7,5 &3. This is what is hard because I am not willing to be the one that has to leave my home and my children

There are people who water fast, wear barefoot footwear or none and are against modern medicine..without a mental health.

You know him, does it sound like ge is going crazy? Because there is a big movement that follows what he is doing anyway..and publishing books is easy peasy now with amazon.

He really doesn’t seem well. See what the GP says but I would be thinking about the effects on your children living in this environment.
You don’t have to leave your children, in fact I would say you very much should take them with you

Just wanted to add that shoes being bad for health and posture is not an outrageous fringe idea. Mainstream journals like Scientific American talk about it:www.scientificamerican.com/article/going-barefoot-is-good-for-the-sole/

Have you talked to him about buying barefoot shoes? They are very well regarded (trendy too), and many types available, for instance: www.vivobarefoot.com/uk?gclid=EAIaIQobChMIttDQ2p-n6gIVKoBQBh1mvAm9EAAYASAAEgLr6fD_BwE

You do not have to leave the children, but you can and should consider leaving him.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here from you two?.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. You must be getting something out of this relationship with him otherwise why stay with him at all?.

What do you want your children to remember about their own childhoods in the main, this erratic set of behaviours (and this is no mere mid life crisis, more like serious MH issues stemming perhaps and in part from previous drink and drug taking) from him?.

I would also be looking into planning your exit from this relationship before you all get further dragged down by him. That is certainly happening to you all by association now.

To be honest ChinWhiskers I don't know. Maybe it is not a mental health issue but because he has past issues with it that's what I'm worried about. He was diagnosed with schizophrenia when he was 18, never had any issues since except depression and anxiety which was around 5 years ago when he was drinking and gp did say they believed he had been misdiagnosed. Which could be why he now mistrusts them but he's never said anything about that being the reason.
You can't have a proper conversation with him about it because he just goes on and on to the point I'm sat falling asleep listening to him.

He has some barefoot shoes, he had the 5 toe ones first now has a different brand.

Like I said previously our relationship aside from this is good, we have a nice home and spend time together as a couple and as a family. He is a good dad, spends time with the children and encourages their hobbies and interests and has spent weeks sorting the garden out so the kids can have a pool etc out there. He does the cooking most nights. It's just this one thing that I'm not sure whether I need to be worried about

Keep a close eye and make an exit plan just in case.

I'm sorry I know this is so hard for you op but the way it's written down is quite funny... Obviously not for you living it! I find it ironic that he had an issue with his foot which lead to an obsession over strengthening excersises for it and now he doesn't wear shoes!
I have no words of wisdom, I have absolutely no idea what I would do if my dh suddenly turned to this sort of behaviour. I would also think midlife crisis but I don't know how you help someone going through one. I'm sorry op

Scrumpyjacks this is the problem in have when I try to talk to people in rl. They think it is funny and if it wasn't happening to me I would probably laugh too. But for 3 years I've listened to him go on about his foot.

Women in poor relationships often write the "good dad" comment when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man. Just why do you think he is a good dad at all. Is he a good partner to you, no he is not. What you write about his activities at home is really the barest of bare minimums which makes me wonder just how low your relationship bar is too.

Re your comment:-
"He was diagnosed with schizophrenia when he was 18, never had any issues since except depression and anxiety which was around 5 years ago when he was drinking and gp did say they believed he had been misdiagnosed"

He still seems very much in the grips of schizophrenia. Symptoms of this include:-

hallucinations – hearing or seeing things that do not exist outside of the mind
delusions – unusual beliefs not based on reality
muddled thoughts based on hallucinations or delusions
losing interest in everyday activities
not caring about your personal hygiene
wanting to avoid people, including friends
Schizophrenia does not cause someone to be violent and people with schizophrenia do not have a split personality.

Schizophrenia is a severe and long term mental health condition.

Did you hear that above comment directly from the GP re a misdiagnosis or is this something he himself told you?. I think some investigating for your own self here via his GP and yours is in order. It also sounds like he has been self medicating his mental health problems with alcohol and drugs previously and that has not helped his state of mind either.

Ah, that makes sense now. You said he has been previously diagnosed with schitzophrenia but had no more episodes. I think it's quite possible you are seeing a flare up of symptoms. Perhaps he has taken medication the the past, or just was generally better able to manage? I had a friend who went through a spell like this, essentially got all into crystal healing and started to believe that rocks (I mean, random ones she found out and about) were sending her messages, etc. She had a fairly severe psychotic episode and needed emergency treatment. She is doing well now and knows that it wasn't okay and it was really worrying for everyone. I think I might have a chat with his GP or someone to get some advice based on his history of mental health issues.