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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My boyfriend is cheating on me all the time

67 replies

Soapetal · 29/06/2020 01:23

Hi me and my boyfriend have been together for 6 years, he is my first relationship and I am his first too. We have a baby together, he is 10 months old.
He has cheated on me while I was pregnant and continuesly for the last few months ( I always manage to find out) he always says sorry and does not know why he does it. I honestly want to leave him but my son loves him and he is a good dad , just a bad boyfriend....I am not sure how to leave him because I want my boy to grow up with mum and dad together.
I tried to leave him once and he begged me not to and started crying, it's so hard.
I don't understand , what have I done wrong? I'm I not good enough?

OP posts:
Fattyboom · 29/06/2020 02:26

I'm so sorry, it is such a shit feeling but please please remember that THIS IS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. He is the shit, he has let you both down, you both deserve better. Find your anger and keep hold if it because you and your son are worth so much more ThanksThanksThanks

caringcarer · 29/06/2020 02:35

You are worth so much more than a cheat. Next time he goes out to meet up some girl for sex, stuff all his things into a bin bag and get locks changed. Do not let him back into your life. He can see son but not you. He will cry, lie and try to get you back but do not fall for it. Find someone who loves and respects you and spends his life making you smile not cry.

Original poster
Soapetal · 29/06/2020 02:37

I think it sounds like he is trying to make me jealous and insecure, he always says that if I leave him he will make sure that I will never be with another man and says that I will never find I guy who loves me and the baby but I know what he is trying to do I just never thought that he might be cheated to hurt me. I
Havent done anything to him, never cheated, I gave him a child I think he might also be a bit sadistic , I'm seeing things clearer with all your help.
I just didnt know how to tell anyone because its embarrassing ! Thanks for all your help

OP posts:
JustAnotherDay555 · 29/06/2020 02:48

He sounds incredibly abusive , saying the things that he is saying is awful. Truly awful. You MUST leave him, he is capable of hurting you a great deal. I am so angry on your behalf.

Never believe that any of this is because you are not good enough. You are absolutely good enough. You are far too good for him. there is no good reason for him to say these horrible things to you. The fact is , this is only happening because there is something wrong with him. And you can't fix him,. Oh , that update made me so angry. You deserve so much better than this.

Fattyboom · 29/06/2020 02:54

I just didnt know how to tell anyone because its embarrassing

And that is what people like him rely on. Just remember that you have absolutely NOTHING to be embarrassed about, the only one that does is the lying cheating scumbag

Wyntersdiary · 29/06/2020 03:13

To be honest this sounds more like abuse, he is controlling you by trying to make you feel reliant on him and too smalll to leave

Nancydrawn · 29/06/2020 03:26

he always says that if I leave him he will make sure that I will never be with another man

This is not okay.

Dontletitbeyou · 29/06/2020 06:55

He sounds vile , just really really disgusting . None of this has anything at all to do with you , none of it , always remember that . By telling you that you will ever find a guy that loves you , he’s hoping you will believe that , and not want to leave , in case it’s true . It’s not true . The reason why he leaves his phone around knowing there are messages and evidence if his cheating , is because he can . It gives him a kick watching you get upset , it reinforces in his own sad mind how ‘special’ he is , and how upset you are at the thought of losing him .
I hope you see what he is , controlling , emotionally abusive , and immature . He’s not a good Dad , he really isn’t . Men who are good Dads don’t treat the mother of their babies like he’s treating you .
Talk to your family , let them know what’s going on , they will want to help you and your baby . Don’t feel embarrassed, this isn’t your fault. You sound lovely , and if my daughter was in your position but didn’t feel she could tell me , I’d be so sad .
Do what you need to do , to get this loser out of your life , make a good life for you and your little one , and show him what a strong mum looks like . You’ll both be far better off without him
Keep my fingers gets crossed for you

Thatnameistaken · 29/06/2020 07:18

There is no shame on you, it's ALL on him, confide in your mum she will want to help you.

And my dad wasn't there from my birth, but I always had a happy family. Your baby will not miss this arsehole you're with and will be more than happy with you and gran etc. as a family unit and extended family.
You are worth so much more.
And get an STI check when you get an opportunity.

Wondersense · 29/06/2020 10:00

You are so deep in an unhealthy pattern but you are starting to get perspective. It's hard going through all of this! You are a young mum and hats off to you for taking a step in the right direction.

The reason why he gets upset is because he wants to have his cake & eat it. He is probably fond of you but not in the way it should be. I can think of several analyses but I think that would get you in knot and confuse you. The clear bottom line, is that this isn't working. You don't want to be in a relationship where he is constantly cheating. You need to have trust. He also needs to learn to let go of you and realise that if he's sleeping with other women, he's putting you at risk if you're still having sex.

The crying that he does when you try to leave is him not being able to accept who he is an the current circumstances. He needs to think less about himself and self pity and more about you.

Wondersense · 29/06/2020 10:04

Also, is what @Nancydrawn quoted right? If so, my God that is abusive and threatening. What an absolute loser. Contact Womens Aid and let the police know.

hellsbellsmelons · 29/06/2020 11:17

Cheating thrives on secrecy.
Please don't keep HIS dirty little secret.
Let your family know what his happening and get their love and support around you.
He is vile. Stop enabling it and get the hell away from him.
FAST!
He's an abuser as well from what you have written.
They ALL spout this crap.
Don't listen to his bullshit.
Get out and get to your family for now.
And get an STI check quickly!!!!

GilbertMarkham · 29/06/2020 11:23

If he's a good dad,he can be a good dad to his your child as a coparent. You don't have to be in a "relationship" (how is this a relationship when he's constantly in contact with and having sex with other women) with him or living with him.

Though I find the standards for being a good dad in our society to be very low anyway. If a bloke shoes the slightest sign of interest in his own child, he tends to be thought to be a good dad. Of they were judged by the sane standards as mothers, they'd be a shit dad

GilbertMarkham · 29/06/2020 11:26

Also what many people miss is that any man who's upsetting and stressing and destabilising a child's mother (as anyone would naturally be if they're being chested on regularly, or at all) .. they're directly affecting her ability to be the best mum she can be; secure, relaxed, happy, confident, not distracted/stressed/upset ....

And that makes them a crap dad!

sunshinesheila · 29/06/2020 11:27

Run for the hills... honestly, this is only going to go one way. And it's not going to be better it will be a whole lot worse the longer you put up with it. Your young, you have your whole life ahead of you. Do it for your son and your future

DariaMorgendorffer · 29/06/2020 11:30

Been there, very similar situation, and I held on for another year or two which was a big mistake. Regret every extra minute I gave him.

I never could have believed how happy I would be out of that relationship, but it turns out that parenting as a single woman is so much more fun & rewarding than putting up with that kind of awful treatment and atmosphere.

Ditch the pig, and never look back.

GilbertMarkham · 29/06/2020 11:31

He sounds like he wants a wee harem while you're not allowed to look sideways at a man. That's essentially what he's doing .. fucking around and having multiple women while you stay with only him, under his control, no power, no equality, no right to what he has.

He's a total hypocrite and piss taker. He's willing his boots all over you.

He cries when he thinks you're going to get rid if him cause he likes his little set up, you at home, whoever he likes to shag on the side. He probably thinks you're "his" too (that he owns you) - he sounds v possessive, so you're not allowed to.leave him or kick him out no matter what he does to you.

That's not love, only person he loves is himself.

roarfeckingroar · 29/06/2020 11:31

He won't stop OP, he will never stop. You're so young and have your whole life ahead. Leave him and don't look back.

GilbertMarkham · 29/06/2020 11:32

*wiping his boots

GilbertMarkham · 29/06/2020 11:38

By telling you that you will ever find a guy that loves you , he’s hoping you will believe that , and not want to leave , in case it’s true . It’s not true.

Yep, oldest line in the abusive man's book.

Been said to countless women; women who are now with other men.

The reason why he leaves his phone around knowing there are messages and evidence if his cheating , is because he can . It gives him a kick watching you get upset , it reinforces in his own sad mind how ‘special’ he is , and how upset you are at the thought of losing him.

Again yep, it makes him feel smug and powerful. Sounds like he gets a kick out of it.

I hope you see what he is , controlling , emotionally abusive , and immature . He’s not a good Dad , he really isn’t . Men who are good Dads don’t treat the mother of their babies like he’s treating you.

GilbertMarkham · 29/06/2020 11:42

I tried to leave him once and he begged me not to and started crying.

Take it from a past cheater .. he's crying cause he might be losing all control of you and the situation, cause he wants it back .. then he can choose if and when to cheat, if and when leave you; he doesn't want you to ever have that power or make that decision.

He'll do and say whatever it takes at that time to get the status quo back, to get back in the position of power .. of running the show and having choices.

GilbertMarkham · 29/06/2020 11:45

And that's not even conscious/intentional.

Plus ending a relationship with anyone you've spent loads of time with and been close to can be painful.

Doesn't mean you'll stop looking elsewhere or cheating if that's your behaviour (if the person stays with you).

Jaxhog · 29/06/2020 11:46

He won't respect you until you respect yourself.

Leave now. Things will only get worse.

LittleWing80 · 29/06/2020 11:53

How old is he OP?

He does it because you allow him.

Is he a good dad? I don’t know him but I wouldn’t want my son growing up thinking being a player is cool so in my books, he is not a good dad.

You can do better 💐

NoMoreDickheads · 29/06/2020 11:55

he always says that if I leave him he will make sure that I will never be with another man

This is a classic abuser's line of course. It is a threat to kill you if you leave. He is very dodgy OP, he could turn nasty(er.)

You're 100% making the right decision to leave. Do you have a plan?

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