Disrespectful?

[Flyingfish2019]

DH feeling stressed/scared/sad, wanted to be hugged. I told him that it must be bad for him + I am sorry he is going through a head time.
He was offended + said I was disrespectful.

Was I?

From what you've written here, no.

*going through a hard time not “head time“.

@1235kbm Thanks for your opinion.

Why did he think that was disrespectful??

How?

Only offensive if we was looking to be offended and start a fight with you.

That's no problem at all, glad to have helped.

I am not sure. I think he thinks is him, thinks he is weak whatever. Men are a bit odd sometimes, aren’t they?
So he went from wanting to be hugged and comforted to being quite offended within a minute.

He sounds like a withholding twat.

So he went from wanting to be hugged and comforted to being quite offended within a minute.

I think your typo was right and he was going through a 'head time.' This isn't normal behaviour.

It wasn’t patronizing what I said, was it?

It's just possible that the way you phrased it could be taken to mean that you don't actually consider things are really that bad but you're humouring him.

I mean, I don't think so - I get the impression that you were trying to acknowledge that whatever is going on is emotionally impacting him more than you Right Now - but it may be what he felt.

Did you sound sarcastic or patronising?

@merryhouse Actually my dh struggles with fear of the coronavirus and he is far more afraid of it then I am. He also has a pre-existing condition which might increase his risk for Covid.

He had a fever and a cough but tested negative for coronavirus. The fever is gone now but the cough is still there and I know he is very worried though I am sure it is just a normal cough.

So I told him I am so sorry he is going through a hard time, hope that cough is gone soon and that I understand that must feel very bad for him.

@CorianderLord I have no idea how I sounded. I just know I did not want to patronize him or be sarcastic. I feel really sorry he is having a hard time.

Sounds like a communication issue. He's obviously not feeling great to begin with so could be over sensitive; and sometimes phrasing can come off unintentionally condescending. There is a subtle difference between being sympathetic and empathetic (look up what Brene Brown says about empathy).

Is he going through something particularly difficult that would make him over emotional? Only you know the full picture..

Sounds fine to me. Did he want you to say, “Terrible time”, “horrendous time” or something, not just “bad”? Even if so, he is being silly to be so offended, but I know sometimes when I feel vulnerable I can react badly to my dp’s choice of phrase, as I can feel in the moment he is minimising my problems. Could that be it?

Sounds like a communication issue

Really?

It sounds like a peevish, self obsessed, childish, determined to be offended, possibly paranoid "issue" to me.

@Honeyroar Very stressed because of the corona pandemic, has a cough but tested negative.

@tinyvulture No, I think the opposite is the case. I think he was offended because I acknowledged he was having a hard time... right afterdeck told me he was having a hard time.

Then he went like “Oh, you pity me and think I am weak? I have no respect in my own house and you alwaaaaaaaayyyyyyys disrespect me“

I said “No? That’s no true“ and then he told me how great his buddies are who aren’t this disrespectful but that “people like you“ (like me) never get that.

He does sound a bit over dramatic. Is he normally? I think I’d have told him to live with his buddies then.

@GilbertMarkham Possibly, but it's difficult to tell from one interaction isn't it? The OP sounds bewildered by it so it doesn't seem like it's usual behaviour from him. Or if it is and she doesn't get what he means by 'disrespectful' then there is something amiss with their communication. Judging him as "peevish, self obsessed, childish, determined to be offended, possibly paranoid" etc seems a tad harsh when he's ill and obviously not on top form - I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt.

As I said, there is a difference between sympathy and empathy. Sympathy is not always very helpful for example; "there there" or "it must be terrible being you" (this is an example - am not saying the OP said this) vs. a more empathetic response would be "Ugh, that totally sucks" or "Yes that's horrible!" and a hug. It isn't always very obvious but can make a difference to someone feeling awful - one is more like commenting from a detached position, outside looking in, and the other is more about being present and 'with' the person. One is a little bit colder and the other is a bit warmer and more authentic.

I told him to go marry his buddies before.
Actually he “lived with“ them before (served with them in the military), according to him must have been heaven on earth because they always got him, didn’t even need to talk to them. They just got him.

Is he overdramatizes? Typically, he is more like underdramatic if you get my meaning. But sometimes - Dunno - he starts being overdramatizes for no appearance reason.
Example: Another argument a while ago: Forgot to put his car key in the place, he told me how careless I always am plus that “one of us might die the most horrible way“.,. because one of us might have an accident, we cannot find the car key —> dead.
Other people would just call an ambulance but obviously we must die if we cannot find the car key.

Have to say I do not think his buddies are especially sensitive and empathetic men. More like the opposite.

I don’t know what they have said. He didn’t discuss this with them - just with me.

So really unsure if their reaction would have been more respectful, empathetic or whatever.