He's reached out during no contact, what should I do?

[Summertime87]

My relationship has broke down because of verbal abuse between us. Without playing the blame game, he initiated most of it due to his quick temper. The bad times were ruining the good. We took six weeks of space but still communicated amicably via text and met up for a social distanced walk. I hadn't really felt I took time out for myself, I was still on the fence about us. He was adamant he wanted us back, to take things slow. He was frustrated with my indecisiveness and he mentioned having a further period of space with no contact for me to figure myself out.
Three days into our no contact, I've woke up to a text. I've been crying everyday so I wanted to handle this in a level headed way. He has asked how I am, if I'd thought about what I wanted to do. He also said his head was a mess and he was losing his cool at work as a result. He'd taken some time off work (very unlike him as he's a workaholic) to figure himself out.

I am hesitant to reply as I am hurting too but I feel guilty that he's struggling. What should I do?

What do you want to do? Does he want things to work out? Is he prepared to address his anger issues?

heart says one thing, head says another. I've got a family member telling me he's not right for me but only I can decide.
I don't know if he'd consider anger management, I don't want to ask him. He mentioned counselling when the verbal abuse started, we didn't end up going because life just got in the way.

Abusive people are not abusive because they are angry, they are angry because they are abusive.

There is no excuse to treat someone like shit.

If it didn't work before, it will not work when nothing has changed. And in the case of abuse - it will only be worse going back a second time.

He isnt allowing you the headspace youve asked for. Because he doesnt like you having space to think freely. This also shows he cannot respect your boundaries. He really is not a nice person and I think you know this.

Finish things completely and block him. Be prepared even then for him refuse to take that for an answer.

You deserve better. But you'll only get worse...or reaaaallly worse from him.

Erm he sounds awful. Sounds like he’s trying to mess with your head and not give you time to think clearly. If there is abuse in a relationship, verbal or otherwise, there’s no coming back.

Also, joint counselling is never recommended where abuse is involved. It can actually be used as tool by the abuser to make you out to be the one with the issues. So on the off chance he ever followed through with his agreement, it would be a really bad idea anyway.

🌷He's not giving you the space you need. He's too self absorbed.

Love. It's a choice.

Right now I think you can choose him or yourself and you need to choose yourself.

I would text back something like 'You're not giving me the space I need, that is pushing me further away from you. Please just leave me alone & I'll be in touch when I'm ready. I love you, but I do not like the dynamic we have going on here. I hope you are doing something to address your anger issues, because there's no room in our relationship for that'.

I think if you could get past the initial missing him, you'd realise you're far better off without him.

Most likely his problem isn’t an ‘anger issue’ it’s that he’s abusive. Best to make a proper break and avoid all contact.

He’s not listening to you and he is making it all about him. He is hoping to coerce you into a decision before you are ready. Is that the type of man you hope to be with?

What Bunny said. You should end this because he is abusive. He's abusive. Don't even go there.

Why is he telling you he's losing his cooks t work? What has that got to do with you?
What a selfish text

Cool! Auto correct!
Honestly, his whole text screams of guilt put on you to get his own way.

Send Latte's message. You don't have to make your mind up now just because he has decided he can't wait any longer.

I would run.... anger management problems, manipulation and emotional blackmailing?

You cannot ruin your life out by trying to be nice to the wrong person Day in day out.

I'm crying wreck, it's pathetic. I feel broke and overwhelmed with emotions.
Thanks Latte, I am considering sending your text and I'm also considering not contacting him at all because I don't want to give him any attention while I'm feeling like this iykwim?

I also didn't clock it was emotional blackmail.

Aww that sucks. Its horrible when the penbyvdrops isn't it :(

I like the first part of lattes text. But I would stop after 'when I am ready'. Maybe add 'and IF'. Then I would block the git.

Tbh though you'd be wise to clearly and conscicely end it entirely. But if you arent sure yet then that text is alright :)

Sorry you are going through this x

&penny drops

I wouldn’t text him back. Just ignore him... you will get to see what a horrible person he is within a week.

At this time he is just trying to bring you back with guilt, give it a few days and he will try to do it by force/intimidation. Honestly, do NOT reply... in his mind, you are just playing a silly game.

He also said his head was a mess and he was losing his cool at work as a result. He'd taken some time off work (very unlike him as he's a workaholic) to figure himself out.

Oh really. He can sense that you are pulling away and is desperate to stop that from happening. An abuser will not allow you any distance, any room to breathe, or any time to think.

So, now he's trying to emotionally blackmail you, making you feel responsible for his mental health. Thus, ensuring you don't finish the relationship. Do not fall for it. As a pp said, I would not text him back. He woe is me, will soon turn to anger when he can see his guilt tripping is not working. Then you will see how much he hasn't changed.

I have received another text, can MN help me understand this?

If you don’t love me and don’t want to be with me then tell me.

I can’t listen to say you need time because your version of you having time is you locked away in your house which is making you feel worse.
What happened to the whole idea of us getting engaged. Having a family. Buying a house then couple weeks later that whole dream has evaporated. I never cheated never wanted anyone but you. All I ever wanted was to make you happy.

Just tell me if I’m wasting my time.
I’ll never get over you or stop loving you but if you want me to walk away you need to say. As much as it will tear me apart

I am considering sending your text and I'm also considering not contacting him at all because I don't want to give him any attention while I'm feeling like this iykwim?

If someone calls time out, ideally they need to have said when they want to resume the discussion. Otherwise the other person has no way of knowing (I know it was mostly him that left it open ended.)

This is what it says in the Disease to Please book.

If neither of you have agreed to a period of time, then after 3 days I think it's not wrong for him to ask how you're doing- after 1 day/ half a day it would've been a bit much.

You could say 'I still need more time to sort myself out, but I will get back to you on X day so we can work things out I promise.'

When on X day you resume the discussion, you could say 'I might need time out again at some point, in which case I will say.'

Just seen your update. Everything he says is very manipulative. The no contact was his idea.

I can’t listen to say you need time because your version of you having time is you locked away in your house which is making you feel worse.

He doesn't get to say what your feelings are, or what helps you.

He's ignoring the whole idea of Time Out and trying to force you to have a discussion before you're ready.

According to the book- 'There's no point in trying to continue the discussion until I've had the break I need. I will get back to you on X day.'

But I think he's a lost cause OP. He is manipulative.

'I still need time, so if you can't give me that then that's the end for us'.

He's pressuring you into feeling you have to decide now, and that you are being too hasty if you say it's over. Maintain your boundaries.

'Which is making you feel worse' umm I'm sorry pal, wasnt aware you knew my own feelings better than me :/

Basically you've asked for space and he has said no. That would be me done tbh.

That text is very me me me. Not a sorry in there for his abuses just a 'I never cheated' lol aye thats swell mate, what do you want, a gold star?

What a knob.
He is future faking too.
Making it seem as if you are giving up some dream life lol. You're actually running away from a nightmare one. And rightly so. Close the door and bolt it.

I asked for more space.
I got multiple messages back:

Im just hurting at the min because it feels like I’m loosing you. My job has always to been to be there for you and protect you.
Pushing me away doesn’t fix us and makes me feel like you don’t want us anymore.
I’m always here for you no matter what I just wanted to know if in your mind we have a future.
But you keep saying you need time, so to me sounds like you're unsure. I’m sorry but if you're unsure about us then there isn’t an us.
I’m not trying to rush you, I want to help you, I just think that us spending time together rather than apart will help more than locking yourself away.

Am I over thinking this, but this seems controlling? Sorry to go on!

Then tell him to go away.
He's pushing you to agree with him because this isn't convenient for him