He's reached out during no contact, what should I do?

[Summertime87]

My relationship has broke down because of verbal abuse between us. Without playing the blame game, he initiated most of it due to his quick temper. The bad times were ruining the good. We took six weeks of space but still communicated amicably via text and met up for a social distanced walk. I hadn't really felt I took time out for myself, I was still on the fence about us. He was adamant he wanted us back, to take things slow. He was frustrated with my indecisiveness and he mentioned having a further period of space with no contact for me to figure myself out.
Three days into our no contact, I've woke up to a text. I've been crying everyday so I wanted to handle this in a level headed way. He has asked how I am, if I'd thought about what I wanted to do. He also said his head was a mess and he was losing his cool at work as a result. He'd taken some time off work (very unlike him as he's a workaholic) to figure himself out.

I am hesitant to reply as I am hurting too but I feel guilty that he's struggling. What should I do?

Abusers love to play the victim because it works so well to gain sympathy and excuse their behaviour. His plan is to make you feel that his feelings are your responsibility and fault. His last message about his work situation didn’t have the effect he thought it would, so now he’s switching tactics to blame shifting/guilt tripping i.e. He instigated the time apart, but now he is implying that you’re causing the problems because you’re being distant. Classic abuser language (which he has already used) is:

I just love you so much
I want to take care of you
If you love me, you'll ……
I want what's best for you (to try and explain your irrational behaviour i.e. because you must be irrational to even think of leaving him)
I want us to be a family
This is how much I love you.

So, OP. I know you must be hurting, but can you see what he is doing? A lot of abusive behaviours can look like love. They can be masked as caring, or as protecting you, but he is being manipulative. Expect him to up the ante when he doesn’t get his own way. Please talk to family about what is happening. Abusers work best when the person they are abusing is isolated.

Oh he's manipulating you right now and the problem is he always will if you have a relationship with him.

If you don't contact him and he goes off with some else else it will be your fault

If you do contact him he wins, and knows how to manage you and what issues you had won't change.

I know this pattern very well.

My ex pretended to hang himself while still sexting in the same night. That's how far he went to get me to feel sorry for him but it didn't start that way, as time goes in it only gets worse, and the history between you makes it harder to leave. That one more chance turned in to 50!

Eeew. It seems controlling because it is.

I'm sorry but, 'protect you' from what? You are a grown woman. You dont need protecting and if you did, you would protect yourself just like anyone would.

He is implying that you you are a meek little thing that cant even look after yourself. This is basically what he wants you to think.

The only thing you need to protect yourself from is someone toxic and manipulative like him.

Two red flags - blaming you for his work issues.
Then threatening you with the 'us' this and 'us' that.
There is no such thing as 'us'. There is a You and a Me.
He sounds very needy.
Why would you need him to 'protect' you.
He means 'protect' you from other people interfering with his property (you).

Also the just of the message yet again is 'i hear you need space and I'm not ok with that. So, no'.

Again, disrespecting your right to space and to choice. Bulldozing and manipulating.

Tell him no. Tell him you're out. And block and run for the hills. You gave him enough chances to respect your wishes and he doesn't want to. Infact, it's become a challenge for him to bulldoze them and get you back regardless of what you want.

Fuck.that.shit.

Tell him as he is incapable of giving you the spade that you need and respecting your need for that then the relationship is over and you will not respond to any further texts. Then block. And do the freedom programme.

He also proceeded to outline the repeating issues in the relationship, and ways he is going to 'change'.
For example: His short temper - He will learn to think, close his eyes, count to 10.
He also acknowledged that his verbal abuse was unacceptable and said it would never happen again.

I admit I was also verbally abusive at times but like I mentioned in my OP, most of it was a reaction from his outburst. When he outlined the issues and his solutions, I almost felt myself slipping back to him. He said that, the only way to fix this, is doing it together.

I'm not buying it. I may feel completely insane but I'm sticking to my guns. Am I right?

I don't think he has done anything wrong with these texts, he isn't being controlling, he seems genuinely confused and upset BUT if there was verbal abuse then that is not okay, either from you or him, it doesn't matter who initiated it. Finish with him, say you are sorry and then leave him alone. It sounds as though you are too immature for a relationship and you could to with some counselling to help you. It also sounds like you are playing games even if you are not aware of doing so. He needs help with his quick temper away from you and time to get his head together. You don't sound suited and the relationship sounds unhealthy and as though you are dragging each other down, you both would be happier with other people once you have both sorted out your quick temper and verbal abuse problems.

He isnt showing you any respect, is he?
You have asked for space, he is refusing.

One thing that is telling about these "angry" men is how well they can control there anger around other men. Does he have the same issues shouting at men bigger and taller than him at work, or is it just you?

Id be inclined to ignore him OP. Put yourself first.

*PheasantPlucker1
*
He loses his temper with anyone, he's not scared of other men. As I mentioned in my first update on my post, he said he had "lost his cool at work" WHICH isn't the first time (He works in construction with mainly men) He's stuck up for me many times in situations where I needed him to, always seemed to have my back. But when he'd lose it with me, over something ridiculous, I felt gutted and hurt.

I have received another text.. saying I hope you're OK. I'm here for you, no matter what. If you do decide to give us a go, we could go on holiday , anywhere - you pick. Anyway, how has work been?

That's not normal is it?!

Is he after a lockdown leg over? That why he's feeling irritated?

No. It is not normal. Please block him.

Abuse is about control, not anger or whatever supposed trigger he blames.

These messages are about control. He realises he's losing control of you and is deploying every trick he can think of to try and get it back.

You might benefit from doing the Freedom Programme course online. It would help you get a sense of how abnormal this is and what a healthy relationship would have looked like.

You can't fix him. Don't fall into the trap of staying in an abusive relationship because you're on a quest to rescue him/yourself or change yourself to chase after the nice side of him. It is the path to ruin.

He's stuck up for me many times in situations where I needed him to, always seemed to have my back. But when he'd lose it with me, over something ridiculous, I felt gutted and hurt.

He made you feel rescued and then he hurt you, and then he made you feel rescued again. And then he hurt you again. And then...

It's a classic abusive tactic used to break someone down and make them feel emotionally tied to you.

Look up trauma bonding.

Think about how you would feel when he’s being verbally abusive to your children.

I’m sorry OP he is abusive and controlling.
Please block immediately... and read @Bunnymumy ‘s posts again .. the first one in particular nails this ..

You deserve better

Why are you still reading his texts?

Op

This is the nice cycle, he will flip in to the nasty cycle fairly soon
It reads like a script, that's because it is

My Dad did this to my mum many many times, dont give you room to breath
In case you start thinking for yourself

She's had over 50yrs of it now and we both have PTSD IBS and fibromyalgia
Because I married a guy just like him, I divorced him thank god
They don't change, they have zero insight, it's learned from very early in their childhoods.

Take a breath and block him

His pattern is based on anger. He can see the issue but has done absolutely nothing to address it. Promising to count to ten is what children do. Adults seek anger management and proper counselling, which can take years to have an effect, and only works if the person wants to change.

Everything about his messages are about changing you, not him. He will promise you it will be different, but he’s doing that whilst disrespecting you and ignoring the one thing you actually need; space.

He’s showing you that you can expect more of the same. If you go back then he won’t call you names for a bit. Then one day he’ll call you a bitch (or whatever his word of choice is), and you’ll call him out, and he’s say “stop being a bitch then” and it’ll just get worse.

You know the pattern. You know the cycle. It’s not normal. It’s not how a relationship is meant to be. This is not love.

I know you’ve said you say things too. Think about the person you want to be. Was that the person you were in the relationship with him? No.

He will turn you into a shadow of who you could be. Don’t go back. End it. Block him. Grieve what could have been and go the Freedom Project so that you don’t accidentally slip into the same pattern.

You can do this. You are worth more. You will be just fine

So he’s a man with anger issues in all areas of his life and is currently trying to pin them on you.
No.
He was angry before. He’s angry now (which is apparent your fault). And he’ll be angry again in the future.
Life is way too short for that shit.
Run. Don't walk.