Ex husband is a twat

[Ail12385]

Hey so my exh and I split up a couple of years ago and there have been a lot of disputes since, mostly regarding money. Would be interesting to hear your thoughts.

Firstly our shared house was under his name and he paid all the bills related to that and our shared sons childcare. Aside from that I paid everything else and spent a few years either at home with our son when he was born or at uni. So he got to keep the house and paid me a token amount to buy me out.
Another point to note is that we bought that house in a more expensive area so our son could go to a good school.

Once all that had been sorted he started asking if I would contribute towards our sons childcare (approx 350 per month). I said no because I wasnt claiming child maintenance at the time and had every right to do so, so I certainly wouldnt be giving him money.
He said if I wouldnt pay that he would cancel the childcare. And if I claimed child maintenance he would be forced to move house, meaning our son would have to move school.

Am I being unreasonable or is he definitely a twat?

[Ail12385]

Thanks everyone for your comments.
I want to apologise for misleading you but I am actually the ex husband in question.
I have struggled to empathise and see her side of the story, so I wanted to tell it from her perspective to see if others could empathise. I also wanted to make sure I didnt tell the story with my own bias.

The issue is now settled. She refused to talk about the situation so I had to cancel childcare and she now claims cms.
The cms amount is complicated due to our specific situation. So without going in too much detail the time we spend with ds is fairly 50/50, I give him dinner 4 nights a week etc. But in terms of over nights and cms she has him 6 nights per week. I give her 280 and my house is up for sale. We no longer get on in the slightest and I now feel like shes pushing me aside as a parent as according to cms she is the "main carer", so acts as such.

[GhostOfMe]

What portion of child care is your days OP? I'd work out that compared to cm the calculator says he should be paying and see what the difference is. If cm or your portion of childcare cost more.

[Frankola]

Any CMS will be calculated on how many nights he has your child. Given that it's almost 50/50 you wont be entitled to a big amount.

I think it's unfair hes paying for childcare on your days.

This one to me is really simple. You've had pretty much a clean break separation so just work out a private maintenance amount and then each of you pay your own childcare costs?

[LouHotel]

You wrote her perspective as if she was a money grabbing bitch which I don’t think is truthful, you also misled on the nights split.

Dinner 4 nights and 1 overnight is not remotely equal to 6 nights, presumably 6 school runs etc...

[Doyoumind]

I thought £300 a month for almost 50:50 sounded strange, OP but if you aren't really having many nights it makes sense. She should be responsible for childcare on her days. You weren't wrong on that front.

[Ail12385]

Ok so originally i had him 3 nights. I dropped him at her house early in the morning as I start work early. We both agreed it wasnt best for him so I allowed her to take him overnight on those days for the sake of my son. However I still leave work early to pick him up from childcare in the afternoon, give him dinner and get him ready for bed. I then drop ds at hers to sleep.
So now I pick him up on a Monday and tuesday, give him dinner etc and drop him at hers. My mum picks him up from school on a friday and he stays at mine friday night and all of saturday. I give him dinner etc and drop him at bedtime. So essentially I have him mon, tue, fri, sat. In terms of overnight stays he is only at mine on a friday night. I'd say that is fairly 50/50.

In terms of the "money grabbing bitch", there are a couple of things I do regret saying as I dont believe she thinks like that. But at the end of the day I give her 280, she gets around 80 or 90 child benefit (=360) and childcare is approx 350 a month. She makes a profit from me. I struggle to get by. She doesnt pay a penny to his childcare and she shares her bills with her new partner who moved in with them the day he met our son.
Her family no longer talks to me because they think I'm the bad guy. But my family and friends dont like her because of what I have told them.
That is my side of the story. But I didnt tell it because I know it is biased.

[Ail12385]

My other point is that all I ever said to her was, can we please just discuss it!
Her answer was always no.
There was never an amicable discussion. I was forced down this route.

[justanotherone123]

Surely the childcare should still be split between the two of you? That is not fair for you to be paying it all.

[justanotherone123]

Or since she's the main parent for 6 nights then the childcare costs are hers?

[Ail12385]

@justanotherone123 I agree. I cancelled the childcare and she now pays it all. But I pay child maintenance.
So according to cms how much time I have with ds, how many meals I feed him etc doesnt matter. Overnights is what counts. She has him 6 nights. Therefore I am not responsible for childcare any other day than a friday. My mum picks him up from school.

[leolion1]

I've reported this thread, why do people do a reverse? It's not a true reflection of the situation. It's your interpretation of her stance. Ridiculous.

[Scrumpyjacks]

Oh ffs. You definitely mislead on the nights per week. Yes she should get cms from you if you don't have him overnight at all. It's not the 5050 split that you lead us to believe

[LouHotel]

Your definitely an involved father and I expect your a nice guy but then you say something that makes me wince.

It isn’t profit, child maintenance and child benefit are not solely for childcare, it’s for all expenses associated with having an extra person in your house - presumably she’s not struggling because she is in a two adult household, when you meet someone else it will be the same for you.

Do you split other child costs? Clothes, Uniform, trips? Also as much I sympathise because you are essentially saving her on childcare costs on Monday & Tuesday, I have primary age children and 3.30pm to 7.30pm is not having them a whole day.

[randolph78]

I think you're being a bit disingenuous in fluffing how many nights he stays with you. Having him till bed time is not the same as overnight and saying it is suggests you have a limited understanding of the full parenting role. You could consider suggesting a review of the custody split now your child is older so that you are more genuinely nearer to 50:50 but that might mean you having to compromise on your work - like your ex wife has to at the moment I expect.

[RandomMess]

Well you were silly to give up overnights with your son.

Do you not have him for more time during the school holidays to compensate? I don't get why you only have him the equivalent of more than 1 night per week

[aceyace]

You are paying less than you were before as cms is less than the childcare bill that she now pays 🤷🏼‍♀️

[Techway]

There is a reason overnight are calculated because is does cost more and she has limited time to work of none of her evenings are free.

I do however agree that an early start for your son wasn't sensible so well done both of you for putting him first.

If she pays for most of his costs then she isn't making a profit. I would suggest you revise that attitude as it's unhelpful and treating your contribution to your son as a transaction. It will help you to have empathy as well. Having your son 6 nights per week is pretty full on and I assume she handles any sick days.

I think going for CMS is sensible as it is removes the debate. The reason she may not want to talk to you is that she might feel it is not going to be helpful or productive.

If you genuinely want to be amicable don't fight her for small amounts of money. It just seems to suggest you are looking to reduce money available for your son. You don't know how her finances are set up so don't assume she is managing ok.

[skeemee]

@Ail12385 OP just to correct one of your calculations.... child benefit is £80ish per month, not per week!