How do I tell DH that it’s over?

[Soconfused1980]

I have been with DH 22 years. 2 children together 7 and 10. Over the years he has had affairs, been emotionally abusive, financially abusive, been a rubbish father, this was all when the youngest child was a baby/toddler. I stupidly forgave him as I was so in love and had no self esteem. Had a second child. He was so unsupportive of me after having a c section and I have never seen him the same since. So 7 years I have became more and more unhappy, I did some councelling before lockdown with relate and they suggested he is abusive. At the start of lockdown I asked him to leave I said I couldn’t face being stuck in the house with him then I got upset and changed my mind. Without the daily pressures of working and the school run I have been more relaxed and don’t feel resentful that he doesn’t help as he is still working. So on the surface we are getting on. But I still hate him for all the things he has done in the past. He thinks we have moved past all that as the affairs were about 9 years ago now, he is mildly controlling eg acts moody if I go out with friends, he pays all the bills and my wages goes on anything the dc need and my car phone etc. So I don’t think he is financially abusive now I have a job, before I worked when they were babies he was I had to use my credit card to buy things for the DC with no way of paying it off. He seems really happy since I said I didn’t want him to leave, had put a tiny bit of effort in with the kids, has stopped shouting at them, he thinks we are making a go of things, is talking about where we should go on holiday next year. Excitedly telling me what he wants to do for his 40 birthday next month. He thinks we are going to be together for ever. I haven’t had sex with him since last summer. And before that it was about once every six months since the 7 year old was born as I cringe when he touches me, I hate all the things he has done to me. But he just thinks I have gone off sex and just tried to hug me instead and tells me it isn’t important and that my drive will come back hopefully. I just don’t want to be with him. But I don’t know how to tell him. He will be so shocked. And it will break his heart to leave. But he’s been a shocking husband, but for some reason he thinks everyone has problems like us and he thinks he is a good man. Sometimes I feel like I’m going crazy and maybe he isn’t that bad. But this is the man I walked in on in bed with another woman. But I was stupid and forgave him and 9 years has passed so he thinks it should all be forgotten by now and we should have moved on from any bad feeling. My life is a mess,

Sorry that was so long. In short he’s been a shit in the past, but only mild things like not helping with the dc for the last 9 years, but the past year he has put some effort in, does a bit of cleaning now and then, interacts with dc more, and he said if I hugged him etc things would be much better between us.

But I can’t bring myself to be physical because of all the hurt in the past. He seems so happy with our life but I need to tell him it’s over but I’m scared too as he is really happy with being a family and thinks we are trying and working on our relationship he thinks things are better now apart from sex. I’ve tried to tell him things I’m not happy with so he puts a smile on and tries to do better. Which makes me confused about all the things he did in the past like it didn’t even exist. He walks out the room and ends the discussion if we have an argument over money etc he just says he doesn’t want to argue he just wants to get on. Then acts like everything is perfect

You only get one life. Sending you support because it’s really bloody hard x

I'd just tell him that you've tried to get over all he has done but you cant. Tell him you dont feel the same way and it will never come back.
Dont let him guilt trip you. It's all on him.
If you ask him to leave do you think he'll go?
You're doing the right thing.

idblowjonsnow I would feel so guilty to ask him to leave. It was me that wanted to give the relationship another go 9 years ago when I found out about his multiple affairs. But that with him being a pretty rubbish father has killed my feelings for him. But I feel bad as he wanted to leave when I discovered his affairs and I begged him to stay.

sadonfriday thank you x

You're allowed to change your mind.
He cheated, he doesn't support you.
You feel differently about him.
Did he take your feelings into consideration when he was shagging another woman?
Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life?

I split up with my ex p before lockdown, I went for the plaster ripping off approach and said we need to talk about how things are between us and just listed everything I was unhappy with or things I felt like he was calling the shots on when actually it should be both of us taken into consideration so mine were, lack of sex (over a year), he didn’t want more children but I would like the option to have another child If i so desired, his controlling behaviour and double standards, lack of help with children/house tasks and lastly the lack of affection/intimacy/ wanting to spend time together or act like a couple and acting like house mates.

Took a few conversations to make it sink in but he’s stayed with us (we have a baby together) during lockdown but is actively searching but as you can imagine houses are scares at the moment.

We actually get on better now than what we ever did when we were together

But my advice would be, if you can, wait till lockdown is done and dusted so he can quickly move out and into his own place and not have to be under your feet. I consider myself lucky that it didn’t turn volatile But this will not be the case for everyone.

If you don't mind me asking, what's changed between beginning of lockdown and now?

If you can pinpoint why you actually do want him to leave now, I think it would give you a lot more clarity about how to tell him.

For example, if you've changed your mind because you've had time to think about it since you asked him to leave before, then that's absolutely what you should tell him.

As a PP said, he didn't consider your feelings throughout the years of doing whatever he wanted. He is very lucky that you're leaving because you want inner happiness, instead of cheating on him for some kind of 'eye for an eye' scenario.

After all he has done, why are you so concerned with protecting his feelings? It's time to start being concerned with what you want. Tell him it's over in plain, simple English. Tell him you're getting a divorce and he needs to leave.

There is no nice way to tell someone, you don’t love them any more and you’re divorcing them. Don’t sugar coat it but quite frankly I don’t see the point in listing all his failings either. Just tell him you’ve tried but you can’t get the feelings back. It’s just not working for you anymore. Tell him it’s not going to change and you both need to move on to a better life. And I agree with PP that you should wait til things ease a bit and he can find somewhere else quickly. Good luck OP 💐

Here’s one way you could do it

• gather together copies of all financial information: he is still financially controlling and you need to protect yourself
• rehearse a short speech in your mind and to the mirror until you can say it clearly and firmly: LikeMe above has a good model and you can decide for yourself whether you want to add in any current issues
• be prepared for him to be shocked, sad, angry, to make promises to change, whatever. It’s going to be hard for him. Don't argue, don't discuss, just repeat that it is over and you want to separate.
• only do this if you are absolutely sure its what you have to do, and you are not going to change your mind again.

juannil I think what changed is at the beginning of lockdown I asked him to leave then felt upset and changed my mind as I couldn’t bear the thought of us living together through lockdown while separated. And lockdown has shown me just how separate our lives are.

but only mild things like not helping with the dc for the last 9 years,

Sorry, that jumped out at me. Checking out of parenting for 9 years isn’t mild. That plus all his shit behaviour and affairs, no wonder you are done.

With someone like him, you need to be very firm. You need to say that your feelings have been gone for a long time and there is nothing to work on (as he will suggest you just need to ‘work on’ things). Be matter-of-fact. Don’t give him any hope that your feelings might change, or try too hard to spare his feelings. No pussy-footing.

Yes he will get upset, but he will be fine in the long-run. He might try the usual: crying, guilt-trips, threaten suicide. You need to stay strong and calm.

It might sound like I’m being harsh, but the fact that he shuts down conversations and then you back down and feel bad, he will definitely employ these tactics again as they worked so well for him in the past.

And it doesn’t matter that you begged him to stay in the past. Stop letting that hold you back from asking him to leave now.

twilightpeace thank you. I think I have such low expectations of him. Things were so awful before that I feel like I should be great full of how he is now. I have no idea why I begged him to stay 10 years ago, he was my first boyfriend and we have been together 10 years, I felt my world had ended when he had the affairs (well when I discovered them I think looking back he might have always cheated). Now I’m older I look back on the things he has done and an horrified that I stayed. But then again I’m still allowing things now, like checking out of parenting and working nights which doesn’t fit in with my job or the kids leaving me to struggle alone. It’s like I think oh it’s not as bad as before so it’s ok but the love has totally gone now. I’ve tried to leave him a couple of time’s over the last 2 years, but after I ask him to leave he looks upset I feel guilty and tell him I will try to make things worse. When I tell him he will probably think here we go again. But doing the councelling has made me realise I have to do this it’s not a way to live

*work not worse

He doesn't sound like the sort to tolerate a life without sex op, do you suspect he's getting it elsewhere?

Don't feel bad - it will benefit you & your DCs if you are happy. It's your life & this sounds miserable. Personally I would support your forgiveness of his earlier affairs is everything else was good but it's not, it's awful. You are suffering daily abuse. Your children don't deserve to see that as the norm.

Is it just fear of his reaction that is stopping you?
Or are you also afraid of being on your own? It sounds like you do absolutely everything anyway, so him not being there won’t really make a jot of difference. You will feel soooo much better though! He’s a dead weight hanging round your neck now.

Rip the plaster off in one go is my advice. Short, sharp shock for him.
Please let go of your guilt.

twilightpeace it’s a fear of his reaction. He gets angry easily and has what I can only describe as a tantrum if things don’t go his way, he likes to control everything

I'm glad you've come to a point in your life where you've realised that you don't want to live like this any more.

Please, please make sure that when you tell him, and subsequently when you're discussing your decision to leave, that you do not place any of the blame at your feet.

That doesn't mean you haven't done anything wrong, every human being makes mistakes. But it means that you won't be giving him the fuel to guilt you with.

If you say something like 'sorry I asked you to stay before, I should have ended it earlier', he will take that and run it into the ground, telling you that he would have been better off before and you gave him false hope, wasted his time, blah blah blah. You were entitled to come to your own conclusions in your own time.

If you say 'I'm sorry I didn't get back to a place where we could be intimate after your affairs, I'm sorry I struggled to forgive you', well again, suddenly it's your fault and he is blameless.

You can process 'what you did wrong' after he leaves, and if for whatever reason you think you owe him an apology, you can tell him in two years after you've healed and moved on.

And then of course, by not apologising during the breakup, he will probably say you're 'cold', 'self righteous', 'never think you're wrong about anything'. Again, blah blah blah. You're not. You are coming from a place of strength in order to make this as quick and as painless as possible, and you don't need to apologise for that. If anything he'll thank you for it later. Don't attempt to justify why you're being so decisive even if he begins to tell you that you're being selfish. Tell him what needs to be said, tell him what needs to be done, tell him when you expect him to be gone by. Don't play any games he invites you to, because they will inevitably suck you right back in and you'll find yourself back here in a year or two asking for more guidance. (Which there will always be, so don't worry if you don't succeed first time round. You're human and people here care enough to see that).

Very sorry for the essay. I really hope that you can feel proud of yourself for how far you've come and how you're handling things. You deserve happiness now x

Well now it’s time for you to take control. Think back on all the shit he has done and let your anger give you the strength to move forward.

You know he will have a tantrum, that’s ok. Try to detach emotionally and just observe. Staying calm will give you a lot of power.

He has had you where he wanted you for so long, facilitating his life and you doing all the shit work. You weren’t put on this planet to be his skivvy.
You’re going to have to push past the fear.

It’s so weird like I feel guilty for asking him for us to try. And now 10 years later I’ve had enough. But I don’t think it’s just the cheating, it’s all the other things since. So even though things are the best they have been in 10 years all the stuff from the past has killed my feelings

But he thinks he is doing amazing now because he is not cheating anymore and he does the occasional bit of hoovering, washing up, and interacts a bit with the kids.

But it’s still not enough for me. But he thinks I’m lazy because I only work part time and expect him to help more and that I should be happy

I guess I will just have to tell him however hard it is, if I had somewhere to stay I would just pack up and leave it would be easier.