I have been with DH 22 years. 2 children together 7 and 10. Over the years he has had affairs, been emotionally abusive, financially abusive, been a rubbish father, this was all when the youngest child was a baby/toddler. I stupidly forgave him as I was so in love and had no self esteem. Had a second child. He was so unsupportive of me after having a c section and I have never seen him the same since. So 7 years I have became more and more unhappy, I did some councelling before lockdown with relate and they suggested he is abusive. At the start of lockdown I asked him to leave I said I couldn’t face being stuck in the house with him then I got upset and changed my mind. Without the daily pressures of working and the school run I have been more relaxed and don’t feel resentful that he doesn’t help as he is still working. So on the surface we are getting on. But I still hate him for all the things he has done in the past. He thinks we have moved past all that as the affairs were about 9 years ago now, he is mildly controlling eg acts moody if I go out with friends, he pays all the bills and my wages goes on anything the dc need and my car phone etc. So I don’t think he is financially abusive now I have a job, before I worked when they were babies he was I had to use my credit card to buy things for the DC with no way of paying it off. He seems really happy since I said I didn’t want him to leave, had put a tiny bit of effort in with the kids, has stopped shouting at them, he thinks we are making a go of things, is talking about where we should go on holiday next year. Excitedly telling me what he wants to do for his 40 birthday next month. He thinks we are going to be together for ever. I haven’t had sex with him since last summer. And before that it was about once every six months since the 7 year old was born as I cringe when he touches me, I hate all the things he has done to me. But he just thinks I have gone off sex and just tried to hug me instead and tells me it isn’t important and that my drive will come back hopefully. I just don’t want to be with him. But I don’t know how to tell him. He will be so shocked. And it will break his heart to leave. But he’s been a shocking husband, but for some reason he thinks everyone has problems like us and he thinks he is a good man. Sometimes I feel like I’m going crazy and maybe he isn’t that bad. But this is the man I walked in on in bed with another woman. But I was stupid and forgave him and 9 years has passed so he thinks it should all be forgotten by now and we should have moved on from any bad feeling. My life is a mess,