Is this forgivable?

[JustAnotherDay555]

Well. The bare bones of my situation was that I split up with my husband a couple of years ago. We continued to live in the same house for about a year. During this time I started another relationship. I didn't cheat and my ex knew all about the situation. Anyway we (me and bf) were taking it slow and we were going to wait until my ex moved out to start up anything properly. We talked a lot though , and spent a lot of time together and I felt connected to him. We were clear that we both wanted a relationship.

The day/week my ex moved out my bf started turning his phone off, disappearing and being quite off with me. He started acting strangely, he called me a few names and said some pretty mean things to me. We were arguing constantly so I ended the relationship. It was hard at the time but it was just everything I suppose. I struggle with my mental health at times and I got quite depressed, although recently I have been feeling better.

Anyway, he's back in contact and it turns out he met someone else on the very same day as my husband moved out and that's why his behaviour changed. He is very apologetic and says he doesn't know why he did what he did. The person he met was married and they had an affair up until a few months ago. So it lasted about six months.

I feel like it's a bad joke , actually meeting her on the day my husband moved out, but I don't know if I'm expecting too much, I mean I was in a complicated situation. I wasn't exactly a catch. If I could go back I would hold off the relationship completely. I regret that I didn't.

I had suspected something like this at the time, that he had met someone else, but he was adamant I was imagining things. I asked him a few time but he denied it.

So I'm 80 per cent in the "he's a bastard" field. But I know I am just looking at it from my viewpoint. So I'm looking for objective views .

The worst thing for me is the name calling and nastiness. And not telling me what was happening. I felt very confused for the last couple of months of our relationship. It lasted about 6-7 weeks after my ex moved out.

Thank you for reading my post .

@NooneElseIsSingingMySong

Absolutely walk away. You deserve so much better. It’s worth considering doing The Freedom Programme (you can do it online for about £14) to help you recognise red flags for the future.

Thank you , I've heard of the freedom programme, but I never really thought if it applying to me. It's interesting that you suggested it.

I have got nothing but time to kill the next few months so I am going to give it a go. What's the worst that can happen? I learn to see problems showing up earlier in a relationship?

That's actually a really good idea. Thank you. I will do it.

@MsDogLady

Lying, cheating, cruelty and manipulation.

OP, this man has no integrity. He is a bad bet and will diminish your life. Send him on his way pronto.

It sounds so harsh the way you say it, but it's all true. He lied repeatedly, he cheated on me, and he was cruel. I've thought that word a few times and I always think it's too strong but it felt cruel to me. The manipulation.... He did do some things to steer me off track to finding out about his cheating, which worked. It's only in hindsight that I realise it. I think added to the other stuff he was very manipulative.

I honestly struggle to think of people like this, but he is objectively all of these things. Thank you.

He just said he got caught up and before he knew it they were in a relationship.

This is the kind of man who shags other people and then gets defensive and says it 'just happened' as if their dick magically fell into someone else's vagina.

He lied to you. Repeatedly.
He cheated on you.
He did not prioritise your feelings.
He was capable of lying to you and being complicit in someone having an affair.
He has called you names.

I suspect when things got real and you could live together, it was too real for him and he panicked. Yet is so cowardly he didn't want to be alone so lined up someone else... that day if you believe him - that is best case scenario!

Unforgivable for me but if you want to forgive him that doesn't mean you need to get back with him.

This is all so, so, so very messy.

I'm so glad you've decided to write it off. Start a new life free of the complications of him.

He's not worth it. That's the simple truth.

My first thought was: he's an abusive year who is testing you to see how much you will put up with so that when he moves in he knows you'll put up with it. Testing how vunerable you are.

I could be completely wrong though...

@MsDogLady

He wanted to tell me at the time but he chose not to...

He didn’t just choose to not tell you. He accused you of imagining things. He chose to behave despicably with name calling and meanness.

He did tell me I was imagining things. I remember thinking he was with one woman in particular ( it wasn't her) , so he happened to "pocket dial" me while having a platonic conversation with her. I thought I was wrong and being paranoid, I felt so bad at the time. I was wrong about the who , that was all.

Thank you for helping me sort through this in my head. I feel so much more resolute and calmer today than I have been. It's really made a difference to me, posting on this.

@GilbertMarkham

Get rid, don't get back with him.

Can't put it any plainer than that.

Done and done !!!!

I'm even clear that I'm an idiot for even entertaining the idea of forgiving him.

Although I will forgive, for me. But I just will never see him again.

@Dawncleo62

You said you planned to do somethings? I suggest you take a deep breath, change ‘phone numbers, get doing the things YOU want to do & learn to respect yourself, which you deserve. Spend time caring for yourself, not for those who obviously don’t care for, respect or Love you.

Yes. I was getting to a point where I was getting a bit happier but the way things ended with him was difficult. I was just unsure and confused about what even happened.

Getting some version of the truth makes a difference, I feel like I can draw a line under it. And I have my life in front of me. It's problematic and imperfect but it's honest. I'm happier today than I have felt in a while. Thank you.

I have always been bad at putting myself first but I will make an extra effort.

@RLEOM

He's lying. Too much of a coincidence he met her that exact day. He played you for a fool and obviously just likes the chase, sorry OP.

I know you're right. I don't think I've been the chase before. It kind of makes me laugh a bit.

And he did play me like a fool. I was ridiculously smitten with this man , now I'm starting to feel icky about him. Like how the hell did I end up here? lol.

Write down all those things he said All the 'you're needy and pathetic' things, all the bad stuff. All the lies he told you. All the things he tried to make you believe.

Write them all out on a piece of paper. And then, underneath, write NEVER AGAIN. Big letters. Underline them, if you like.

And if ever you find yourself trying to give a man the benefit of the doubt, you just re-read that list and remind yourself.

@Nihiloxica

Up until that point it did feel like it could be a love story

Of course, because it suited him to spin that tale.

I really hate this guy because he has done so much damage to two innocent women for his own amusement.

You were doing so well until he came along. Pricks like him can smell your need for love.

Jesus what a total arsehole to offer you all that. I presume you told him about your recovery? So he knew full bloody well what he was doing and he did it anyway.

Cruel, heartless prick. I think you are right to go back to your therapist. I hope you tell your mates and your Mum and let them back up what we're saying.

Arrogant, selfish arsehole.

You didn't deserve this. You deserve something so much better. Xx

The other woman...I don't know much about the relationship that they did have. I don't want to know anything. I suspect that she didn't leave her husband for him and he isn't happy about that. Although he says the opposite , just shows how little I trust him now , doesnt it.

I asked for details like when it started and a couple of things I had suspected he lied about, I kind of felt I needed to know to process it. He kept refusing to confirm things and only told me when I said there was no point talking anymore. It shouldn't have been that hard , I mean he told me about the relationship quickly enough, so the details should have just been part of it. ( I only wanted about things that affected me, like when it started and things that he had lied to me that hadn't added up at the time).

I feel more relieved since I blocked him. If anyone is struggling to do that, just take the plunge. I felt good after a while and I'm glad I don't have to worry about any more surprises.

I have told him that I was struggling and doing better. I wish I hadn't, I don't think he really cares at all. Ah well, live and learn.

Thank you so much for your kind words , it is helpful to me .

@CoffeeBeansGalore

He has already shown you who he is. He dishonestly dumped you for an affair with a married woman. Do you really want to go back down that rabbit hole?

Oh , I love talking rabbit holes, I mean , what are the chances this guy will be faithful to me? If I was a bookies , I would have closed that down for bets.

It kind of stung that she was married , he actually complained that... What was it again... They couldn't have shared experiences because of her situation. Yeah. He is a complete creep. Lol.

And he can be very judgemental of me for other things, I thought that was a sign of integrity.... I think maybe it isnt.

Nope - you deserve better OP

@Lozzerbmc

He sounds quite cruel i think

I think maybe he is cruel. I don't know , it's a word I've used and thought but never really believed. I think I am safer , emotionally, without him. I know he couldn't have loved me. I'm better off without him. I thought he was someone that cared about me though , but I'm so relieved I know the truth now .....I read mumsnet and some woman have given many years to men like this, so I am very lucky that he showed me who he was so throughly. This thread has been a true godsend to me.

@fuckoffImcounting

Nasty man. You also know this, because you have behaved with integrity and he sounds like a world class arse. Move on OP. You are way better than him.

I like the word nasty. I'm trying to come up with a sentence to link with him, something that portrays how bad he is. Just before I think of anything good. The word nasty will get included somehow I think.

And world class arse is good too!!!

Thank you

@Eckhart

I just believed everything. That's not great for a adult woman in her thirties

Don't judge yourself negatively because someone else betrayed your trust. His horrible behaviour is not your responsibility. Just don't take him back. Make sure you learn from his behaviour: He has shown you that he's untrustworthy, so don't trust him again.

I wont, I'm still annoyed at myself for not knowing immediately that he should be out the door. Even just based on his treatment of me last year. These things get measured in your head though. Like I argued back, I made mistakes as well, I was stressed.

I should have just said this man isn't making me happy, ended the relationship and blocked him and never looked back. I deserve to be happy. It's strange though, I don't act like I deserve to be happy.

What do they say, the most effort goes into the worst relationships? Something to work on. Thank you.

@Billben

and it turns out he met someone else on the very same day as my husband moved out and that's why his behaviour changed.

Yeah, right 😀🤣😂 Please don’t tell me you believe him?

I actually thought it was so awful that it had to be true..... Lol

That was my reasoning for believing him

"He met a married woman on the day my husband moved out".... You couldn't make it up

(well , it turns out he probably could).

I will definitely laugh about that a lot.

What's that you say... You're selling a bridge? I love bridges

@wildone84

Completely unforgivable. This man is a user and an abuser.

Thank you , I appreciate the support .... I really don't think I knew him at all. It felt like we were totally in tune and on the same page, with the same dreams and hopes for the future.... And then suddenly I'm turning into this confused mess who doesn't have a clue what's happening. I still don't know exactly why I ended up like that so quickly. I am grateful that it is something I can fully move on from though. There are no ties. I am very lucky.