Is this forgivable?

[JustAnotherDay555]

Well. The bare bones of my situation was that I split up with my husband a couple of years ago. We continued to live in the same house for about a year. During this time I started another relationship. I didn't cheat and my ex knew all about the situation. Anyway we (me and bf) were taking it slow and we were going to wait until my ex moved out to start up anything properly. We talked a lot though , and spent a lot of time together and I felt connected to him. We were clear that we both wanted a relationship.

The day/week my ex moved out my bf started turning his phone off, disappearing and being quite off with me. He started acting strangely, he called me a few names and said some pretty mean things to me. We were arguing constantly so I ended the relationship. It was hard at the time but it was just everything I suppose. I struggle with my mental health at times and I got quite depressed, although recently I have been feeling better.

Anyway, he's back in contact and it turns out he met someone else on the very same day as my husband moved out and that's why his behaviour changed. He is very apologetic and says he doesn't know why he did what he did. The person he met was married and they had an affair up until a few months ago. So it lasted about six months.

I feel like it's a bad joke , actually meeting her on the day my husband moved out, but I don't know if I'm expecting too much, I mean I was in a complicated situation. I wasn't exactly a catch. If I could go back I would hold off the relationship completely. I regret that I didn't.

I had suspected something like this at the time, that he had met someone else, but he was adamant I was imagining things. I asked him a few time but he denied it.

So I'm 80 per cent in the "he's a bastard" field. But I know I am just looking at it from my viewpoint. So I'm looking for objective views .

The worst thing for me is the name calling and nastiness. And not telling me what was happening. I felt very confused for the last couple of months of our relationship. It lasted about 6-7 weeks after my ex moved out.

Thank you for reading my post .

Get rid, don't get back with him.

Can't put it any plainer than that.

You said you planned to do somethings? I suggest you take a deep breath, change ‘phone numbers, get doing the things YOU want to do & learn to respect yourself, which you deserve. Spend time caring for yourself, not for those who obviously don’t care for, respect or Love you.

He's lying. Too much of a coincidence he met her that exact day. He played you for a fool and obviously just likes the chase, sorry OP.

@morethanafortnight

The worst thing for me is the name calling and nastiness

He's shown you what he can be like. Not only the horrible behaviour towards you, but also the lying and cheating, right at the moment when you thought your relationship could finally begin in earnest.

Perhaps you need to close the door on this one.

That made me quite sad, I did think the relationship would begin in earnest. It had been a stressful few years before that, and although my split with my ex was pretty amicable there was still difficulties.

I remember the first time he switched his phone off was the day before my ex moved out. Which was unusual at the time but I didn't think much of it. I have a good memory for all this stuff and I think maybe he doesn't realise that I remember certain things. I deleted everything when we split (texts etc) or I would be analysing everything just now, so that's probably a good thing.

Now I'm thinking he must have met and started seeing her before he said. It really doesn't make sense otherwise. It's funny I just accepted that as an unfortunate circumstance. I'm trying to work out what that means .

He hasn't shown a good side at all. I just really fell for him. I was kind of hoping people would see something in the OP that would be salvagable. Or that this is the kind of thing that happens in fledgling relationships. Thank you.

@Sally2791

Don’t bother analysing him. He’s an arse, and you can be happy alone or find a decent man

I know , you're right. I spent a lot of time analysing it all last year when all this happened. And it's just stirred everything back up again. Although I am glad I know the truth of it, the other woman that he met. Posting has been amazing though. It's pretty much unanimous so far. He's a bastard. Well for me he is.

He sounds quite cruel i think

@Nihiloxica

God, don't go back there.

His own version of the truth is that he ditched you for a better offer but it didn't work out so maybe you'll do for a bit.

Not much of a love story, is it?

Up until that point it did feel like it could be a love story but I agree with you. No one is queuing up to watch my story at the cinema on valentine's Day.

I like your take on it as well. Its telling it like it is. Thank you.

Up until that point it did feel like it could be a love story

Of course, because it suited him to spin that tale.

I really hate this guy because he has done so much damage to two innocent women for his own amusement.

You were doing so well until he came along. Pricks like him can smell your need for love.

Jesus what a total arsehole to offer you all that. I presume you told him about your recovery? So he knew full bloody well what he was doing and he did it anyway.

Cruel, heartless prick. I think you are right to go back to your therapist. I hope you tell your mates and your Mum and let them back up what we're saying.

Arrogant, selfish arsehole.

You didn't deserve this. You deserve something so much better. Xx

@MaeDanvers

Interesting he met someone also not available to him the very day your ex finally moved out. Or so he says. It's quite the coincidence!

Being horrible to you until you ended it because he was apparently interested in someone else is childish and selfish behaviour. And the best he can come up with is he doesn't know why he did what he did?

Honestly, get this guy out of your life once and for all, he sounds like a proper asshole.

I know. When he said she was married I was just really sad that "married her" was a better option to him than "single me". Especially as we had waited for that day, and had made plans.

Although he tried to have both of us, actually though he didnt. I was the one that ended things but it was obvious that he wanted me too.

He was horrible, he said some things that still sting a lot. Although I was in a sensitive place at the time. I need to let him and his words go now.

It is childish and he's not young . In his 30s.

He has already shown you who he is. He dishonestly dumped you for an affair with a married woman. Do you really want to go back down that rabbit hole?

Nasty man. You also know this, because you have behaved with integrity and he sounds like a world class arse. Move on OP. You are way better than him.

@lachy

For me, no it wouldn't be forgivable.

I'd be inclined to feel that he was ringing for a bunk up...and he probably thinks if he's apologising then you'll give him what he wants.

You don't need to explain anything to him, just say no thanks, not interested.

It's hard for me to get my head around this idea of a bunk up. Which is ridiculous because he hasn't shown himself to be a person of integrity so it's more than possible.

Every second sentence he said was an apology which seemed okay at first but looking back. He was just saying sorry. He wasn't giving me a proper explanation or asking me what I wanted.

I kind of hoped people would say give him a chance , we all mess up at times. But I can't disagree with everyone. I was hurt by what happened. Life is horrible sometimes.

@category12

God no, what are you thinking even considering this?

He dropped you like a stone, very unpleasantly, in order to go off with someone else. And now you're thinking about taking him back? Where's your self-respect?

I know . You're right. I look at my OP and I wrote it as objectively as I could make it. I didn't add the things he said and did, and I didn't talk about how I felt and he still looks like a complete bastard.

It's really useful actually. But it didn't seem so clear before I started this post.

I think I need to work on finding some self respect. I thought I was okay , but maybe I need to do some work on it. Well . It wouldn't hurt. Thank you.

I just believed everything. That's not great for a adult woman in her thirties

Don't judge yourself negatively because someone else betrayed your trust. His horrible behaviour is not your responsibility. Just don't take him back. Make sure you learn from his behaviour: He has shown you that he's untrustworthy, so don't trust him again.

@OldWomanSaysThis

He's a liar. Is that the other 20%? He's 80% bastard and 20% liar?

I like your maths a lot here. It's made me smile, he is a liar. And I don't like liars . So why am I even contemplating it? Or why was I even contemplating it I should say.

@Windmillwhirl

Oh god, just no. So basically why you felt you were in a relationship he takes up with a married woman and shuns you. If nothing else the fact he is ok to engage in cheating with no bother says a lot about his morals.

In your shoes I would have absolutely nothing to do with this snake.

This post made me cry, thank you . He did just shun me. It has all affected my confidence quite a lot if I'm honest.

Her being married is just an insane cherry on the top of a really horrid cake. It's all kind of like a bad joke.

On the day your husband moved out I met and took up with a married woman.... It's not really likely to have happened this way, is it?

I just remembered that he said she pursued him and he responded. He's so guilty for responding.

The word responded looks kind of creepy now.

and it turns out he met someone else on the very same day as my husband moved out and that's why his behaviour changed.

Yeah, right 😀🤣😂 Please don’t tell me you believe him?

@NoMoreDickheads

Anyway, he's back in contact and it turns out he met someone else on the very same day as my husband moved out and that's why his behaviour changed

It's really, really unlikely he just happened to meet someone he liked that same day and his emotions were so intense immediately that he started acting that way towards you. I think he'd probably started seeing this person before then. He turned nasty once your husband moved out because he didn't want to commit.

Either way, he's proved you can't trust him, and that he can disrespect you.

I love your name. I think I will borrow it as a banner for my mind. For a while anyway.

It's hard for me to get my head around this idea that he was never really going to commit, although I agree with you. We talked so much about what we were going to do, we had booked things to do. Concerts and trips. I honestly thought I was starting a lovely phase of my life.

He wasn't perfect but until the day my husband moved out I was very happy with him. I said to him once just before we split that I felt that he had pulled the rug from under me, he told me not to be so pathetic and needy. ( He said worse than this as well).

Thank you

Completely unforgivable. This man is a user and an abuser.

I felt that he had pulled the rug from under me, he told me not to be so pathetic and needy

RUN! Love bombing and gaslighting. Serious emotional abuse to follow, if you go back.

Sorry. It's miserable when you see behind their mask. Such a shock, when you've been talking about your bright future together. You're far better off without him, though.

@Abbcccus

Gosh! You know the answer really. On here the usual response to any minor difficulty or indiscretion is leave the bastard...I often don't agree.

In this case, the man is clearly a shit and you should have blocked him six months ago!
Of course you shouldn't entertain anything with him, unless you want him to hurt you again.
Totally implausible that he met someone then, and even if he did, his treatment of you then shows his true colours.

You are well rid of him

There was this little part of my mind, this thought that maybe it was all just a fucked up situation and I didn't deserve to get so invested. And I thought someone could find an angle to explain why it happened as it did.

I was kidding myself on but it's been brilliant for understanding that this man didn't just do a bad thing, he is actually not a good person. And that is definitive. I won't be contacting him again and I have blocked him.

Thank you.

Glad you have made the right decision OP. You deserve so much better.

Well done OP. It takes strength to walk away.

Well done, Op. if

@HereForTheFeminismChat

The best case scenario is that he met someone amazing on the exact same day your ex-husband moved out. To deal with this, he turned off his phone, disappeared, said mean things to you, was snarky, and to top it off, when you asked whether there was someone else, he gaslighted you.

In short, in a difficult situation, his go-to strategies were dishonesty, obfuscation and abuse.

You need to tell him the door is that way --->

Yes. I like your way of describing the situation. . When I was thinking about it I was getting caught up on the fact it takes two to argue , I expected too much, etc etc. Therefore nothing was ever totally him or totally me.

But I was happy to make a go of things and I enjoyed being with him. If the direction of the relationship WAS being led by me it would have been a happy one ergo the reasons it became an unhappy relationship had to come at least significantly from him.

And it came from him because he didn't want to be with me, he wanted something else. But instead of being honest he acted in the way you describe. The way he acted was hurtful to me. He did hurt me a lot. If he had been honest and told me straight away I would have a lot more respect for him.

Gosh that was convuluted wasn't it . I hope it makes sense, it's a new thought from me.

And thank you for my new word.... obfuscation.
I looked up the meaning, a very good word.

He's getting shown the door >>> Thank you