Advice needed

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My wife and I were never getting on she seemed to be over critical of me all the time and showed me no affection or intimacy, I never showed an interest in her stuff either generally passing a sarcastic remark thinking I was funny.
Tbh neither of us was treating the other how they deserved to be treated.
We have had more going on in our lives than most, our daughter was diagnosed with cancer in 2018, relapsed early 2019 and had a bone marrow transplant in September 2019.
I made the mistake of asking my wife to leave about a month ago, I love her more than anything and was just trying to kickstart some emotion/fight on her side.
When she thought it was a good idea and started arranging her life without me in it. I confessed to my stupid plan and told her that I wanted her to stay in my life.
At this point she told me that she didn’t love me and wasn’t attracted to me, she decided to stay to see if any feelings would come back this is 3 weeks ago now, I am struggling no hearing her say I love you back to me and the feeling of dangling in a no mans zone is sending me in to depression. I have over the last few weeks treated her like a goddess, done all the housework, foot rubs, time out the house etc etc pretty much everything she could ever want of me. We had sex 2.5 weeks ago and she said she thought if we abstained for a couple of weeks it would take the pressure off and help.
She says everything is moving in the right direction but when I asked about sex some point in the future she clammed up.

Really don’t know what to do or expect I am literally all out of ideas. Struggling to keep my mood up.
Anyone got any tips who has been through this?

A few weeks of being 'Mr perfect' isn't enough to wipe out the past and you dumping her!

Bloody hell have some patience.

You want immediate declarations of love and sex so you can pretend everything is fixed. She wants to see if your relationship is fixed before declarations of love and sex.

This is a marathon, not a sprint. This 'limbo' has only lasted a few weeks. Weeks ffs. If you're not prepared to be in long term work on this relationship, just give it up now. You can't demand she loves you, or get your sex life back on track, after a couple of weeks. Clicking your fingers and deciding everything is fine after a few weeks after years of being disinterested and sarcastic is bollock!

Firstly i hope your daughter is recovering after transplant. It must have been an extraordinary difficult time to see your child go through this and its no wonder you and your wife have drifted apart under that pressure. Have you had any counselling? I think its a good place to start.

I am the wife in a very similar situation. It sounds as though you have both been under tremendous stress. Really. Just let her be. Try to be friends, try to be a team for your daughter. My partner had an affair. It absolutely blindsided me and he left. He came back with declarations of love. Trying so hard to suddenly be perfect. It doesn't work like that. You asked her to leave. Walk a mile in her shoes and think how that must have felt. I do think there's hope for you both but stop stressing her. She will start to resent you.

I should add I have left and am much happier and feel far less stressed about trying to be some perfect romantic couple and it's taken the stress away of living up to an impossible ideal.

First, I do hope your daughter beat this. I also can only imagine the strain on the relationship. Now, to you telling her to leave to get a reaction, have you ever heard of 'play stupid games, win stupid prizes' ? Why would a grown man do that, instead of just talking to this woman he has been through so much with? Just as you felt yoy were falling apart, she must have been feeling the same, and you pushed her right over the crossing line to the finish. If I were her I would not need incessant groveling, but more talking, more openness, more affection, more being a team. You groveling for a few weeks will not provide a long time result.
Again, my very best wishes for uour daughter. And I really hope you guys can pull through this shit hand life has dealt you

@Thingsdogetbetter

A few weeks of being 'Mr perfect' isn't enough to wipe out the past and you dumping her!

Bloody hell have some patience.

You want immediate declarations of love and sex so you can pretend everything is fixed. She wants to see if your relationship is fixed before declarations of love and sex.

This is a marathon, not a sprint. This 'limbo' has only lasted a few weeks. Weeks ffs. If you're not prepared to be in long term work on this relationship, just give it up now. You can't demand she loves you, or get your sex life back on track, after a couple of weeks. Clicking your fingers and deciding everything is fine after a few weeks after years of being disinterested and sarcastic is bollock!

I am guessing you have read what you wanted to read and not what I wrote in it’s entirety!

We have had to live through every parents worst nightmare, during that time we drifted apart as we tried to cope with what was going on.

We have been together 16 years, married for 14 of them so commitment isn’t the issue.

@Lozzerbmc

Firstly i hope your daughter is recovering after transplant. It must have been an extraordinary difficult time to see your child go through this and its no wonder you and your wife have drifted apart under that pressure. Have you had any counselling? I think its a good place to start.

We have spoken of it but with the covid situation and our daughter we can’t risk meeting people.

@welliesarefuntowear

I am the wife in a very similar situation. It sounds as though you have both been under tremendous stress. Really. Just let her be. Try to be friends, try to be a team for your daughter. My partner had an affair. It absolutely blindsided me and he left. He came back with declarations of love. Trying so hard to suddenly be perfect. It doesn't work like that. You asked her to leave. Walk a mile in her shoes and think how that must have felt. I do think there's hope for you both but stop stressing her. She will start to resent you.

I think you are right.

I am sorry to hear about what your partner did to you that must be extremely hard to deal with. I have never considered it myself.

My wife and I have always had 100% trust even when I worked as a bouncer in a strip club she never once questioned me.

@JustC

First, I do hope your daughter beat this. I also can only imagine the strain on the relationship. Now, to you telling her to leave to get a reaction, have you ever heard of 'play stupid games, win stupid prizes' ? Why would a grown man do that, instead of just talking to this woman he has been through so much with? Just as you felt yoy were falling apart, she must have been feeling the same, and you pushed her right over the crossing line to the finish. If I were her I would not need incessant groveling, but more talking, more openness, more affection, more being a team. You groveling for a few weeks will not provide a long time result. Again, my very best wishes for uour daughter. And I really hope you guys can pull through this shit hand life has dealt you

Taken on board and cannot argue with a single thing you stated.

You asked her to leave. MASSIVE rejection for her.

She doesn't tell you she loves you, 3 weeks later, and YOU feel rejected?

Lots of counsellors are doing online sessions, so 'we can't meet people' is a bit of a cop out. If you want to do it, you can find a way. Others are.

To be honest, your post comes about very much line a 10yo complaining that he's been told her by his mum and that since he's been good for 2 weeks, he doesn't understand why he hadn't got his xbox back yet.

She told you that she didn't live you or find you attractive any longer. When it gets to that point, the chances of things coming back are very low. If they do, it will because you've shown to be the man she fell in love with in the first place and that will require a lot more than making efforts for a few weeks. It's easy to make efforts for a short period of time when there is a clear carrot at the end. What she'd be looking for is evidence that it will continue without the carrot.

You need to prepare yourself for the fact that it is just too late. Keep trying and giving all you can but don't expect a complete turn around in her feelings in a few weeks, it will take much much longer if at all.

@Eckhart

Lots of counsellors are doing online sessions, so 'we can't meet people' is a bit of a cop out. If you want to do it, you can find a way. Others are.

Having the 3 children always in ear shot and not being able to leave the children with anyone as we are shielding I wouldn’t say is much of a cop out it’s factual due to the current pandemic.

@dontdisturbmenow

To be honest, your post comes about very much line a 10yo complaining that he's been told her by his mum and that since he's been good for 2 weeks, he doesn't understand why he hadn't got his xbox back yet.

She told you that she didn't live you or find you attractive any longer. When it gets to that point, the chances of things coming back are very low. If they do, it will because you've shown to be the man she fell in love with in the first place and that will require a lot more than making efforts for a few weeks. It's easy to make efforts for a short period of time when there is a clear carrot at the end. What she'd be looking for is evidence that it will continue without the carrot.

You need to prepare yourself for the fact that it is just too late. Keep trying and giving all you can but don't expect a complete turn around in her feelings in a few weeks, it will take much much longer if at all.

Again you taken it completely out of context!

Having the 3 children always in ear shot and not being able to leave the children with anyone as we are shielding I wouldn’t say is much of a cop out it’s factual due to the current pandemic

Then accept that things will take longer and don't start crying that she doesn't love you after 3 weeks. You ENDED THE RELATIONSHIP.

@Eckhart

Having the 3 children always in ear shot and not being able to leave the children with anyone as we are shielding I wouldn’t say is much of a cop out it’s factual due to the current pandemic

Then accept that things will take longer and don't start crying that she doesn't love you after 3 weeks. You ENDED THE RELATIONSHIP.

Not crying at all trying to get advice was a bad idea obviously as some on here are pretty self righteous. What part of we both made mistakes don’t you understand? Looking for advice from people who have been in this position before isn’t a bad thing.

Best advice I can give: time and consistency. Lots of time and consistency. Bear in mind that it might not getvyou what you want. But she has given you a bit of a chance by staying. What for you seems like the smallest gesture, for her it must have been a very big trample over her heart and mind, after you 'ended' things. Always, always try to put yourself in the oter's shoes and think how you would feel in their position. Really try to visualise this. Them you will have an idea of why she wont be easy to 'reconquest'.

Grr, excuse typos.

OP, you ended the relationship with your wife 3 weeks ago, and are upset after 3 weeks that she won't say 'I love you'.

I fully understand that she has made mistakes too. It's interesting that you're holding onto making this point, whilst also grovellingly trying to be the best partner in the world. Is she doing that for you, regardless of your mistakes?

Passive aggressive comments about 'some people' being self righteous don't make you look any more like a grown up than you already did.

Whatever your wife has done wrong, she is unlikely to fall in love with you again, especially with the attitude you're currently displaying.

Sorry to hear about this tough time for you and your daughter.
Seems that the stress might have contributed to your bad decision?
And unfortunately, you've opened a can of worms in that your wife has admitted she'd really quite like to break up anyway. You can't really argue with that, unfortunately - but she has at least agreed to give it a go.

The last thing you should be doing is putting on any pressure, I'd say. You're going to have to be hugely patient, and also accept that you might not get what you want.
Maybe cut back a bit on the foot rubs and make it a bit more "realistic" so that she starts to think that maybe you might be able to keep this up in the long term. Do little things that she might not even notice straight away. Listen to what she wants and respect her wishes - so if she says "no sex for now", your response might be "OK, I respect that. Let me know when the time is right for you."

The end of your relationship wouldn't mean the end of the world, though. People do break up, and survive, or even prosper. Have a good think about whether it is even the worse option.

And read the critical comments that people are making, as they might tell you what your wife is thinking. If you are ever going to have a tiny chance to win her round, you are going to have to understand her point of view.

@JustC

Best advice I can give: time and consistency. Lots of time and consistency. Bear in mind that it might not getvyou what you want. But she has given you a bit of a chance by staying. What for you seems like the smallest gesture, for her it must have been a very big trample over her heart and mind, after you 'ended' things. Always, always try to put yourself in the oter's shoes and think how you would feel in their position. Really try to visualise this. Them you will have an idea of why she wont be easy to 'reconquest'.

Thank you. Much appreciated.

Have I got the timings right? 3 weeks ago you tested her by asking her to leave, which has unsurprisingly backfired. Somehow you ended up having sex 2.5 weeks ago though, so a few days after ending it, no wonder her heads mashed . Then, 2 weeks later you are already asking when sex will be on the table again? No wonder you've got problems, sex does not equal love, but a woman needs to feel she loves and respects her partner to want to have sex, so the more you ask about sex, the more she's going to lose respect for you. It's the wrong way round, earn respect and create the love before sex can be on the agenda.
Also, it's a bit confusing to read that you've been taking no interest in each other and not been affectionate for a while, yet only recently you are missing her not saying she loves you, which does imply that she was saying this to you during the time you were not being affectionate to each other? Were the sarcastic remarks that only you found funny to do with sex by any chance? Clearly she felt pressured to have the sex just a few days later which is why she asked for a break from it, you pushed your luck way too soon, I'm not surprised she doesn't want to go there at least for a while.

My partner did something similar (not the same) even moved out for two weeks. It's taken about 12-18 months to forgive him. Not because of what he's done, he's no different practically but emotionally he's a different person. That made all the difference.

@Opentooffers

Have I got the timings right? 3 weeks ago you tested her by asking her to leave, which has unsurprisingly backfired. Somehow you ended up having sex 2.5 weeks ago though, so a few days after ending it, no wonder her heads mashed . Then, 2 weeks later you are already asking when sex will be on the table again? No wonder you've got problems, sex does not equal love, but a woman needs to feel she loves and respects her partner to want to have sex, so the more you ask about sex, the more she's going to lose respect for you. It's the wrong way round, earn respect and create the love before sex can be on the agenda. Also, it's a bit confusing to read that you've been taking no interest in each other and not been affectionate for a while, yet only recently you are missing her not saying she loves you, which does imply that she was saying this to you during the time you were not being affectionate to each other? Were the sarcastic remarks that only you found funny to do with sex by any chance? Clearly she felt pressured to have the sex just a few days later which is why she asked for a break from it, you pushed your luck way too soon, I'm not surprised she doesn't want to go there at least for a while.

I didn’t initiate the sex.

We have both been a little fucked up for obvious reasons.

Sex isn’t the issue I was just putting a few briefs into the story. I do struggle with not hearing her say I love you.