@lime10 I'm so sorry you are hurting.
Fwiw my family is much like yours, but more distant. My sister flatly will not spend time around me if I am anything but happy and social. My mother is good at showing sympathy at the time while I'm telling her something - and will then make up a story for herself as to why my troubles are my own fault, and will then refuse to discuss them with me. I am a responsible, compassionate, sensible person - not a drama queen at all - but they simply don't "do" closeness of any kind. (Unless I am supporting them emotionally - that's different - that's allowed!)
I read all your posts feeling a great deal of sympathy for you because I know how it all feels.
You ask good questions about whether you should hold your parents accountable, etc. for their lack of intimacy with you and how they dismiss you. Again, I've been there, I've asked myself those questions.
For me, the journey got a lot easier once I distanced myself (stopped phoning, duty visits only, stopped revealing personal details). It hurt enormously at first. I felt very guilty, all the time, but I experimented with it, I let the guilt happen just to see how it would all pan out.
After a few years, the guilt and pain faded. During those years I spent time learning to be compassionate and loving towards myself. In essence, I tried to teach myself how to be the parent that I had never had. I practiced speaking gently to myself, acknowledging my own feelings, being honest with myself about how scared and sad I felt at times, etc. etc. I took more baths, watched more silly movies, bought myself little gifts, wrote in a diary, started to draw and sketch again as I had when I was a child. Etc.
Over time, the distance from my family combined, with my re-parenting of myself, meant that my very raw painful feelings had some time to heal. The psychological distance from family was key, the more I went back to my mum and sister trying to get them to love me, the worse I was hurt each time. I had to remove myself in order to allow the wound to close up and for some scar tissue to form properly, if that makes sense?
Now it's been about 4-5 years since I got that distance in place properly, and I'd say for the past year or two, I have felt a lot better. It does take a long time and you never full get over it, but you learn to carry the pain more comfortably, in a way that doesn't hurt so acutely.
I hope you can get to that place too.
I think it's important to remember that in the final analysis, it doesn't matter if your parents are "right" or "wrong", or if they take responsibility for anything, really. What matters is you, and how you reduce the pain you feel as much as you can, in the hope that you don't pass it on to another generation.
For what it's worth, I once did a multicultural counselling course, and your parents sound like they carry around a lot of fairly typical ways of thinking and doing things, as it relates to certain Asian cultures. Their ways work very well in their own cultural context. The problem is they had a child who absorbed a different culture, and now they find themselves radically distanced from that child due to massive cultural differences. Even the idea of what an emotion is, and what emotions are for - those things are radically different from one culture to the next.
You can learn a different way of seeing things, and some folk are quite good at learning new things and discarding parts of their culture in search of different ways of being. Others are inflexible, others lack the cognitive ability to learn easily about abstract things, others have so many other differences and issues that can keep them from bridging these types of gaps. That's just the way people are. It can't always be helped and it's not something that is anyone's "fault", iyswim.
But that doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt you, deeply, and make you feel terribly alone at times.
It is something that's worth grieving over, it really is. It's a hard thing. I'm sorry. xx