Please tell me how your children were after separation

[Mumneedingadvice78]

I'm making plans. 20 years plus of criticism, moaning, beIng shouted at, losing his temper, moaning about the house and mess, wanting everything done his way, lack of affection and I cant remember the last time he said anything positive about me. There are positives, there really are and so much shared history and love there but I'm done with walking on eggshells. Had another confrontation last night when he blew up over nothing and is now clearly making an effort today.

So I'm done. Would leave today if it wasn't for the kids. They are 9 and 12. Youngest one particularly adores his Dad and the thought of telling them and they then having to live across 2 houses makes me so sad. Please advice and help me. Planning on saving some money over the next 5 to 6 months and renting somewhere. It's me who wants to end things so I'm not going to chuck him out of our house.

Meant advise.

Mine, and I don't want to sound flippant, have been absolutely fine. They were 14, 7 and 4 at at the time. They adore their dad and I was pretty worried but they just accepted it. The 7 year old asked if we hated each other, because that's what divorce means. I said no we don't hate each other, we just don't love each other anymore so it's best for everyone if we don't live together anymore so we don't make each other sad or angry. We've been living separately for about 6 months now and I honestly wish I had done it sooner. They are thriving in an environment where I am happier and more relaxed, they see their dad as often as they want.

It might be hard, but you're not definitively subjecting them to a life of misery.

I hope it goes well for you.

Tbh mine seemed fine - I had a grumpy ex and you cannot believe the difference in the atmosphere in the house!

We are now 2 years down line and all still seems well. He is still grumpy!

Ten years on (dc were 10 and 15 at time of separation)......looking back to when I moved out......we made it sound like an advantage for them to have "two houses". Two bedrooms, two places to hang out with their friends, two cats. It wasn't easy, but we got through it. I moved out of the family home as I wanted a new start and a smaller house so I could be financially independent. The dc have grown into well adjusted adults, both went to uni (one is about to start his final year in September). The oldest chose to live at his dad's on graduating from uni, as the bedroom is bigger there, but it's 10 min. walk away so they can both come and go between both houses on their own steam as they please. Don't get me wrong, it's been hard at times but we all survived! I wish you luck OP.

Haha thanks both! Not so much grumpy as blows up over what I see as very minor things. Older child (daughter) getting fed up with it too I think and i dont want her to see her Mum being a doormat and pacifier, apologising all the time, anymore. Harder today as he being nice but am still determined. I actually feel a lot happier for having made the decision. How did it all work practically for you?

Agree about wanting a fresh start and my own place. We live in his family home and I want somewhere that feels like mine. On my salary alone I could afford to rent a reasonable 3 bed house. Not sure what benefits I would get and also my husband is far from tight so wouldnt deprive us financially.

Did anyone lose friends? I know sometimes friends can be a bit strange and worry that you will come on to their husbands??? (No thanks!!)

I think if you lose a friend because they think you'll come onto their husband (wtf??), they weren't much of a friend in the first place. I also still see friends that were originally 'his' friends iyswim.

Like others, my kids are largely fine, much more so than I expected in the early days, I always knew they'd be fine long term.
Teenage DS has had a few blips, but nothing unexpected. They live in a far more relaxed environment now.

Yes very good point NeokK I just have a funny feeling about one friend.

Could any of you tell me how you broke this yo your husband if he wasnt expecting it? How much did you have in place in terms of moving out before saying anything?

Part of me feels very sad but a huge part of me feels lighter and happier than I have in years. Just because I've made the decision.

Sorry NeonK

My kids, 31, 23 & 21, said it was the best thing we could have done.

Separated Sept 2018

I was chatting to my middle child the other day, and I said I probably should have left 10 yrs ago, it was a really unhappy time for me.

She said no mum, you should have left 15yrs ago, we all knew how unhappy you were even then.

So if you consider staying for the children, don't, they know x

Same age Exactly kids !!
Ended it Dec 19
The end was awful and highly traumatic for them
To start with it was horrible , we were all arguing
Lockdown majorly majorly helped
My main tip is lower expectations
Acess therapy if you think they need it
And the big one is actually have 1:1 time with them both , making time to just BE with them

They will be OK , we were also 20 ducking years !!!! Feel free to PM me as very similar scenario to you xx

My DC told me they were grateful. I wish I'd done it much sooner. For them.

They now live in a happy home. We still have our little squabbles but that's just domestic life. Generally it is a peaceful home now with no tension hanging over it like a black cloud.

Thanks Greenkit. I actually think my almost 13 year old DD would totally get it. I think my own parents should have split up years ago. My dad talk to my mum like shit. Always has.

I would hope it could stay amicable for the kids. I dont think H (not D!) has a clue that I'm considering this. Although for years I've told him to get anger management counselling. He's quite a messed up person. I remember our wedding and in his speech he said he couldnt cope without me and he would find it hard, I on the other hand would be fine!!

I did lose what I thought was a good friend. But hey ho, I've got new good friends now!

And a new DP who doesn't treat me like shit.

Don't get sucked into feeling guilty, OP. Not for him.

Mine cried, said sorry, said he would change, get therapy, have anger management, medication, etc etc., said he loved me, couldn't cope without me, implied he would 'do something stupid etc etc

I worked very hard and spent money to limit the hardship on HIM of separating (stupidly with hindsight) as I felt responsible. Even though it was his abuse that really ended the relationship. We had been together so long that I felt I could not abandon him. What the fuck was I thinking? But our marriage always revolved around him and his feelings so I had been conditioned to put those first. After a while, when he realised we weren't going to get back together (because guess what, he hadn't changed at all) he started dating and within a few weeks moved in with a new girlfriend.

Divorcing him was the best decision I ever made for me and my DC.

Men have a way of bouncing back and into someone else's bed and house very quickly.

Thank you. That is so well put and so relevant to me. Wouldnt bother me remotely if he got another partner which speaks volumes really doesnt it.
It is always about what he wants. He likes to go away a lot so we do (not at the moment obviously) to places he likes and to do things he wants to do. I would actually like a very different type of holiday.
He is very critical. Hes a perfectionist, I'm the total opposite, I never try to do anything new due to knowing I will get told I'm doing it wrong.

Have you done any reading OP? Like Living with the Dominator, or any Lundy Bancroft books?

No I havent.

But actually I no longer care why he does that (just been googling those books!)!!!

Ds was 6 when I split with his dad, had a rough couple of years with him, but that was mainly due to exes family trying to brainwash him against me. He is 16 now & totally understands why I left his dad, he has even said that I must have been mad to marry him in the first place.

Mine were 4 and 6, and we separated 4 years ago. Most liberating thing I've ever done.

They're both close to their dad and he didn't want a divorce, so made it really difficult with unnecessary court proceedings for a very extended period.

I also moved us out to a 3-bed house, mainly because he refused to move out.

Still, despite the tough divorce process, I managed to get a clean break and have never been happier.

He's still angry that I left but we're civil, with minimal contact.

Our kids on the other hand, have adapted beautifully. We have shared care arrangement and he lives 5 minutes drive away so they spend a good amount of quality time across both homes, and they are happy children.

Although not a great exH, he has actually become a much better, more involved dad. So, it's been even better for our kids. They certainly have a much closer relationship with both of us separately, because we have quality time together.

For me, it's been perfect too. I believe I'm a much better mum because I have my me-time when they're at their dad's - spend time with friends, have my hobbies, focus on my self development and on growing my business (which has thrived hugely).

As others have said, the divorce journey can often been rocky but the destination (peace and for me, a calm and fun home) makes it all worthwhile. Zero regrets here.

Good luck!

I took a very long time leaving and our relationship was so awful that the kids definitely knew splitting up was a possibility. Eldest was most resistant, doesn’t like change. All are now totally accepting that it was the right thing to do, and I can’t tell you how absolutely amazing it is to have that crushing presence of nitpicking misery and negativity out of my life. They still see him( widely varying amounts for each of them) but they realise that he is odd and has issues.
Our new home is a haven. So glad I got out although it took years.
I think you should get legal advice and don’t give him too much because you feel bad about leaving- you may find he turns nasty when he knows you mean it, so make sure you have details of all your/his assets.

ExH and I split when DS was 5. ExH moved out. We made sure his new place was nice and that DS bedroom was all sorted. Then we both sat him down and explained that mummy and daddy both love him but that we were not getting on very well anymore. That we both though we would all be happier living apart. Reassured him that he would still see us both and spend time with us and that our love for him hadnt changed. A few tears but then all ok.

Been almost 2 years and hes a happy kid. One bit of advice would be to make plans re contact and stick to them. My Ds knows what days he stays at his dads and is happier being in a routine and knowing where he will be sleeping on a said night.

Also, as much as exH drives me bloody demented we are amicable for DS sake and will stop for a cuppa at drop off/pick up etc and can spend family events all together (even with my now dp). Ds sees us a very much still a family but with the added bonus of Dp being included in that. People do find it strange that we all get on so well (our small town almost lost the plot when my Dp and Exh where spotted together having lunch with Ds ).

So, kids will be fine and happier in the long run. Just be consistent with contact if you can and amicable.

Also, you only get one life and you have to live it. Not waste it on a half hearted marriage.

The kids will see how happy you are without their dad's anger and they will also be happier.