Please tell me how your children were after separation

[Mumneedingadvice78]

I'm making plans. 20 years plus of criticism, moaning, beIng shouted at, losing his temper, moaning about the house and mess, wanting everything done his way, lack of affection and I cant remember the last time he said anything positive about me. There are positives, there really are and so much shared history and love there but I'm done with walking on eggshells. Had another confrontation last night when he blew up over nothing and is now clearly making an effort today.

So I'm done. Would leave today if it wasn't for the kids. They are 9 and 12. Youngest one particularly adores his Dad and the thought of telling them and they then having to live across 2 houses makes me so sad. Please advice and help me. Planning on saving some money over the next 5 to 6 months and renting somewhere. It's me who wants to end things so I'm not going to chuck him out of our house.

Mine are 17 & 15 and we separated 4 years ago. I can honestly say they have been amazing. We have the happiest home and all three of us get along so well. The saddest part is that Dd has had some tough times with her dad as he's barely put the effort in and prioritises his new wife over them. She's become hardened to him now which is sad as he's losing out on so much - his loss.

I thought I'd ruin their lives but it's actually been the contrary.

Mine was 12 years ago and my DC were 7 and 5. They've turned out fine - I was always respectful of my XH and ensured I was fair about access etc. As grown up late teens they've made their own minds up about how much time to spend with him. It's not that much. They love him but he doesn't put a lot of effort in, is away a lot and they know I do everything.

I lost one friend. He lost lots - they were my friends in the first place. He never made much effort with anyone so it's not surprising. I think I git invited Jess to couplet dinner parties but my independence is so important to me. I've had some amazing experiences. My DC know I'm a lot of fun and live life to the full.

Thanks everyone. Definitely agree about only having one life. I'm 42 this year so hopefully its not too late for me.
How much did you get sorted before telling husband and kids? In terms of money, somewhere to live etc.

Mine are unrecognisable from what they were like when he lived here. So much happier and chilled out. Sounds like we were in a similar situation to what you are in now, 20+ year relationship which mainly survived because I became so good at treading on eggshells and had an impressive wall built up to protect myself from the constant criticism etc. I was prepared to sacrifice my own happiness to give the kids stability, but have since learnt that happy mum equals happy kids. Mine were 10 and 13 (with ASD) when we split.

Mine was 4 when we separated 6 months ago. My ex was very hands on and she loves him and she has found it quite hard - but at the same time she’s adapted and is pretty happy. I do get asked if we can get back together though and still get some tears at night. Not every night - probably once a week.

Ex and I get on well and he lives 5 minutes away so that side has been fine.

Not lost any friends, although one was really weird at beginning (but not in way you’re suggesting) but have made a fair few new friends through single parenting apps which has been lovely!

@Mumneedingadvice78

But actually I no longer care why he does that (just been googling those books!)!!!

that's a good place to be!

If you ever start to waiver, then 'Should I leave or should I stay' is a good one. It sets out what you should expect if he wants to change and make the relationship worth having. Most times they don't bother.

Also to add, my ex stepped up to parenting much better when we separated (he could never be bothered when we were together), BUT it didn't last long. His new GF and her DC now take priority, which is sad, mainly for him because he is missing out. But my DC are thriving. He was not a good influence anyway.

Children are so adaptable. Yours will be fine so long as you handle it sensibly and both parents don't involve them or use them against each other. And they will reflect the new happy carefree mum and home you will create, right back to you.

In practical terms, I had a 6 month plan that involved saving up as much as poss, and decluttering the house as I was going to be the one to leave. Didnt work out that way, as it all came out one evening and he left to stay in a mates empty flat. Wont lie and say it was easy, think loads of gaslighting etc, but I had the longgame firmly in mind.

Thank you. Yes I'm thinking 6 months. I'm wondering if he suspects something as being very nice today although we just had a row about me babying our youngest which is an ongoing row. Youngest child cried cos mum and dad arguing and dh never picks up, notices or acknowledges that. Also I say s row, more like him loosing his shit and having a go.

If you can afford something decent on your salary its worth looking now. Worst comes to the worst, you can probably get a loan to cover deposit etc, plus that takes the pressure off trying to find the right place quickly with all the inevitable emotional upheaval going on when he realises it's the end.

If you haven't already, start having a good think about what items in the household are undeniably yours, what's worth fighting over, and what you don't care about. Once that's fixed in your mind, it makes the prospect of the physical split of possessions a little easier.

My ex "didn't like to argue" but what that meant was he'd come in, bark something at me then walk away trotting out the hating arguing line if I tried to say anything in my defence, or correct him if he was wrong.

I was almost ecstatic with joy when he left, had wanted to split for years but as he's such a volatile psycho I thought I was trapped with him forever.

I really needed this thread today OP thank you.

My kids are 5 and 11 and we’re telling them tomorrow. I feel sick about it.

Hugs for you trees. What has brought to this point?

It’s been on the cards for a long time.

No big issues like cheating or violence just death by a thousand cuts really. He drinks too much, I don’t think he’s emotionally supportive, issues with his family and I think he’s probably got lots of things he’s unhappy with me about too. Tried numerous times over the years and this time, although he did really try my heart just isn’t in it. There’s no going back so although it would be easier to just plod along for the kids I worry about what example we’re setting them for future relationships.

They idolise their dad but we’ve spoken today and I have been clear that he can have as much contact as he/they want. He’s angry and doesn’t want this, I feel like I’m ruining everyone’s life because of my unhappiness. Dramatic I know but it’s how I feel.

Will be thinking of you. We've just had another blow up because I didnt check we had a vital ingredient for our dinner. Apparently hes shaking with hunger. Not entirely sure how any of this is my fault. Have just walked away. I'd had a lovely time doing a work out with my son and came back to the moaning and blaming me. Now hes too hungry too cook anything even though he specifically earlier said he would cook. This is just how it is most days. Descends into these sort of stand offs. I'm so drained. Think maybe he is too.

Sending you lots of love. It’s awful isn’t it?

Try and detach as much as you can, you can be living a completely different, happier life this time next year x

And you. Let me know how it goes. Who is moving out?

Sorry I didn't mean that to sound so flippant!

Don’t worry it didn’t! He is temporarily, into his friends house that is vacant for the next month so.

I’ll use that time to find somewhere to rent and then he will move back in here until it sells I guess. I’ve asked him to go for months and he’s refused.

How are things there now?

I told DH 3 month, nearly 4 months ago that I felt things were over, he initially wanted yo keep trying but after a week (tried really hard 🤔) he agreed. He's leaving as for me to do so with the kids would be impractical and we can't sell the house for a couple of years.

I told DD and she barely reacted. Just shows how little affection and love she sees between us.
He's still here, looking for somewhere to live, things are strained, but the kids are OK I think. Maybe it'll impact them when he's gone, maybe not for a few months.
This thread has been helpful though, thanks.

And @IWillNotNameTheTree I have almost the same situation, except that the kids barely interact with him, or him with them.
I feel horribly guilty and sad that he has to be the one to go and that aside from us he doesn't have anything really, barely any friends, nothing but work.. But I couldn't and can't keep living my life like this because of guilt and fear and obligation.

Strength to you and @Mumneedingadvice78

It's so hard and there's going to be huge ups and downs, I still doubt myself about a hundred times a day, but I know I'm doing what I have to.

I decided to leave my ExP about 5 weeks ago although it had been coming for years and years, we haven’t told our 4 year old yet. I am supposed to be signing my rent contracts on Monday and moving a month later, so will have to tell her after that. It’s so hard isn’t it. Thinking of everyone else in the shitty situation. I know it’s for the best and it’s 100% what I want, but it’s still horrible not sleeping next to anyone and I feel so lonely. I need to find a hobby or something nice for my child free evenings.

I’m sorry there are so many of us in the same boat.

I hardly slept last night and I feel sick to my stomach, wondering if we should wait until Friday so the kids are at home for two days afterwards rather than having to go to school tomorrow.

I hate being the one that’s going to hurt them and the hurt I’ve caused him.

Hi, we jointly told our kids (9 and 11) on Thursday evening. It was incredibly painful and the shock and hurt was as expected, but still tough to witness. BUT even by Friday afternoon they were proactively and excitedly looking at new houses, asking practical questions and openly saying they were feeling more comfortable with it. I know there will be dips and medium and long term impact, but it’s gone far better than I could have ever have wished for. They are in pain, but they’ve been able to talk about it and they’ve found comfort in secure love from their parents. We had a script agreed and enough plans in place so had answers to some of their immediate concerns re Christmas or school uniform at both places etc. We also had a counsellor pre agreed in advance to have a phone call with them that evening if they chose or whenever they want it. It hasn’t been as horrific as I feared is the comfort I wanted to offer. They’ve both behaved differently (as I expected) and it’s hard to hear their anger and hurt, but currently I’m surprised at how resilient and adaptable they have been. Good luck. The decision to do it is possibly the hardest step. x

Mine were 10 and 12, separated 2.5 years ago.

To be honest, it was awful but they weren’t expecting it. Neither was I. I found out he was having an affair so I made him leave that day and we told the kids the next day that we were separating.

We all cried and it broke my heart. BUT, despite what happened I was civil to ex when he cane to collect the kids and over time we have actually become friendly. That didn’t happen until he spilt with the OW as I just couldn’t then but now it’s easier.

The kids would have preferred us to stay together if I ask them but they don’t know the real reason we split, just that we “weren’t making each other happy anymore’.

2.5 years on they see their dad 40% of the time, he has to do more parenting than he ever did when we were together and I am now happy. I am in a relationship with someone else but fiercely protect my own space and time with the kids. They deserve that.

Time does make things better x

Thanks everyone xxx

Separated end Feb this year, kids 10 and 13. They took it really well. Eldest (DD) pretty much finished our sentences and knew what we were about to say, corrected us on things like “mum and dad aren’t getting on very well“ to “at all well”. They seemed happy with having 2 bedrooms. DS made me laugh (Inside, not out loud) when he said it’s a good job we didn’t do it 5 years ago as dad wouldn’t have been able to take him to school.

H has rented somewhere and We told the kids 2 weeks before he moved out.